A father's marital advice

My oldest son is getting married this week, and I suppose it is incumbent on me to offer some marital wisdom to the couple. Not that they've asked, mind you. But since the father of the groom has few official duties beyond keeping the mother of the groom from making a scene, it seems the least I can do. (And once you see my advice, no doubt you will agree, "man, he wasn't kidding -- that IS the least he could do.")

I don't claim any special expertise in matrimony, though I have practiced it for nearly 28 years, and all with one woman, too. Big deal, though, right? I mean Maria and Ahnold put nearly that much time in, and look what it got them. But let's go ahead and start there, with their cautionary tale. (No, Ahnold, I said "tale," not "tail." Down, boy). Unlike Ahnold, I knew, as do all of you I'm sure, the first rule of a successful marriage, instinctively, without even being told by my own father: Don't boink the help. Not that we ever HAD any help, or ever will. But had we, I would have known not to boink it.

It's straight out of the 10 Commandments, after all, though Moses edited "boink" out of God's original and replaced it with "adultery."

So, let us build from that solid foundation, with some random thoughts and advice:

-- 1 Corinthians is a favorite wedding Bible verse. But let's be honest: Sometimes love CAN be a little impatient and unkind, occasionally pouty and muttering, sometimes downright bitchy. Sometimes love gets really, really quiet for hours, maybe days; glowers and glares; uses inappropriate names; or, in extreme cases, throws things across the room. Fortunately, love is forgiving and, after a few decades, forgetful, too, so love survives.

-- Pick your battles carefully, and don't be afraid to sound the retreat when you're getting your ass kicked.

-- Which reminds me, "Love Story" notwithstanding, love often means having to say you're sorry. Sometimes you even have to mean it, and other times you say it even though you don't mean it. But saying "I'm sorry" is never the wrong thing to do, no matter what. Never. Never. Never.

-- Marriage is not a contest in which one tallies rights and wrongs and keeps score. But if you insist on treating it as one, it's really bad form to put the scoreboard in the middle of the family room. I keep mine it in a password-protected file on my computer. (By the way, I'm ahead 12,217 to 12,118, though I have a feeling this could be a bad week for me.)

-- Don't go to bed angry, it's true. But also: Don't go to bed gassy. Actually, under the covers, angry is better than gassy.

-- Alas, marriage doesn't come with a 7-second delay. In lieu of such, remember: More important than knowing the right thing to say is knowing not to say the wrong thing.

-- Guys, don't call her "The Wife" unless you're willing to be called "Hubby." Or maybe "Dipshit."

-- The melody of love is indeed sweet, but the lyrics often make no damn sense.

-- Marriage is a joyful journey, a veritable magic carpet ride, though often on a chunk of old shag torn up from the basement rec room, one that reeks of old teenagers' sneakers, vomit and cat pee. But hang on tight to it, and each other, for it's a wild ride.

-- You stand before each other on your wedding day healthy, young and vibrant. It's hard to imagine that one day, one of you will need glasses but refuse to wear them, while the other will need a hearing aid but refuse to admit it. So, when you go out to eat, one will read the menu to the other, while the latter deals with the waitress because, dammit, she talks too quietly. So, yes, love is blind, but also deaf. Sometimes, in fact, it's completely senseless.

-- Oh, and as long as we're on the subject, one day he may discover he gets a little winded leaning over to tie his shoes, while she discovers a heretofore unknown link between the acts of sneezing and peeing. This, too, comes under "for better or worse," four words whose meaning and scope cannot possibly be grasped on your wedding day.

-- Laughter is often the best medicine in marriage, but go easy on the pointing.

-- You are marrying someone who one day, if not already, will know you better than you know yourself. Some days this will seem the greatest gift of love, and others it will be aggravating beyond belief.

Finally, and not to beat a dead horse, or to flog a dumb Austrian as it were: You can get all of the aforementioned bulleted items just right, but if you forget Rule 1, it's all for naught. So, all together now:

Don't boink the help.

Godspeed to my son and his bride, and all who are marrying this summer.