New exhibit from Doorly Zoo: 2014 GOP World

Exciting announcement from Omaha’s Henry Doorly Zoo: A new exhibit paying tribute to the 2014 Nebraska Republican primary. Built to scale and cleverly laid out so that you can move only to the right, the exhibit comprises a variety of habitats on 100 acres with plenty of interactive, you-are-there displays:

-- Take the controls of an EP-3 spy plane for a crash landing on China’s Hainan Island.

-- Head down to the Mexican border to stick your toe over the line.

-- Look in on some Washington insiders, behind closed doors, as they wield their awesome influence (Note to those in the front row: You WILL get wet.)

-- Here’s Wrigley Field where one candidate’s family has proven its sterling business and management acumen. Use buttons to choose the kind of ignominious defeat you’d like to witness.

-- Slap on virtual green eyeshade visor as you audit a state agency. Be careful now, there’s math.

-- Have a seat at a meeting of college administrators and faculty. Can it be? Yes, a PowerPoint display of new paradigms in promotion and tenure guidelines.

-- Hang out on the porch of the lake house you own with banking execs – and what’s that racket by the boat house? Why, yes, it’s a bunch of scavenging raccoons.

-- Hunker down as jackbooted federal bureaucrats threaten to regulate you, your family, your business.

-- To the floor of the Nebraska Legislature where you will show your cojones by tangling with a hologramic Ernie Chambers, then wander down the Statehouse halls to the governor’s office, where a set of lifelike gubernatorial cheeks are ripe for kissing.

-- Feel the butch thrill of strapping yourself into a fleece vest and walking into a small-town coffee shop.

-- You’re on a debate stage: See how many times can you praise Reagan and assault Obamacare.

-- Stride purposefully across a farm field, squinting manfully into the distance, then nodding earnestly as you listen to a life-like farmer next to you. Listen carefully, as you can tell by his walk, his seed cap and the cut of his haybales that he is full of common sense.

-- Stand on a stage next to a so-real-you-won’t-believe-it Sarah Palin as she endorses you, going weak-kneed at her heady fragrance of Calvin Klein’s Euphoria, rank political opportunism and demagoguery, snowmobile fuel and moose shit.

-- Finally, the firing range, with a full complement of guns with which to pose. Guard against too much excitement, lest you shoot off prematurely.