Found a mouse in my Lean Pocket this noon. On further inspection, it does appear to be quite lean, so kudos to Nestle.

Health-club parking lot nearly full last night. Had a ridiculously long walk from car before I could work out. #firstworldproblem

I used to be a writer and editor. Now I’m a content provider and aggregator. You’d think that would pay better, but no. I believe I'll try content engineer. No, make it senior content engineer.

Sixty-four degrees in Lincoln today. Enjoy this ridiculous winter while you can, folks. But know what we’re dealing with here: By mid-July, highs will be 210 degrees, streets will be molten and sucking cars under like quicksand, trees and crops will randomly burst into flames and the sky will rain hailstones composed of mercury, Froot Loops and hamsters. Never mind cooking eggs on sidewalks; small children will roast to a lovely medium rare during a mere three-block walk home from school. Whether you look for explanation to the Mayans, climate-change science, Fred Phelps or chalk it up to the Earth offing itself at the prospect of Neutron Newt as president, this shit’s on now, man. But seriously, though, go ahead and enjoy today.

Dammit, already running late this morning. Got stuck in line at bakery behind Bob Kerrey deciding on donuts.

My water heater's capacity is not quite sufficient to fill my whirlpool tub to the temperature I like. #firstworldproblem

For some reason, the likelihood that a man will walk around the health club locker room naked for much longer than necessary, as if he's strutting a catwalk, is directly related to how brutally gravity has ravaged his body and how much hair he has on his back. And, no thank you, ladies, I don't want to know if the same phenomenon is true in the women's locker room.

Truth be told, most days I'm satisfied to just be able to move like Watts. #Maroon5

Never mind the Keystone pipeline. A new study estimates the campaign between Obama and Gingrich will generate enough gas to meet U.S. energy needs for a year.

Looking forward to the 3D remake of "Titanic," though note the warning: "Those in front rows may get wet."

If you love the moon-base idea Newt is pitching in NASA-nuts Florida, wait 'til the Michigan primary, where he'll be pushing his radical thinking for taking automobile-cupholder technology to the next level.

He walks the mean streets of New York City for hours on end, day and night, deciding, deciding, deciding. Fueled by takeout coffee but scowling under the enormous weight of all that deciding, wearing his, um, I don't know, his lucky deciding cap, I guess? But deciding, always deciding. And then realizing, alas a click of the camera shutter too late, "Oh f---, guess what picture's gonna show up in every Republican ad if I run?"

Mitt is kind of intrigued by Newt’s plan to build a base on the moon. No wonder. Imagine the tax advantages of off-planet accounts.

Watching yet another debate last night and trying to keep an open mind, but I'm sorry, I just don't think America is ready to elect a white man president.

At the last GOP debate the audience was forbidden to cheer, jeer or otherwise react. Those limits have been removed for tonight's debate. Still, in the interest of preserving some decorum, debate sponsors announced that spectators may not yell any of the following phrases: "Oh no, he di'int," "bitch please" and "that's what she said." The candidates, of course, are free -- in fact, encouraged -- to use any or all of them.

Man, if I only had a Navy SEAL team at my disposal for an hour or two, I believe I could clear up several complications in my life forthwith.

A coalition of rural state senators proposes damming the Missouri River and turning Omaha into a lake. Their bill gives no particular explanation. It just says: "Well, you know, just f--- 'em."

Chuck Norris flunked out of Navy SEALs training because he cried and wet himself like a little baby girl.

I don't get the fuss. I got one o' them Swiss bank accounts myself. You know, one with lots of holes in it (ba-da-bump). #MittRomney

Biggest surprise of the speech: Obama says Democratic National Committee will sponsor 50 more Republican presidential debates. #SOTU

Obama pointed to John King & Juan Williams in the press gallery & berated them. "Sorry," he said. "Seemed like the thing to do." #SOTU

All that GOP drama has Obama feeling pretty cocky these days. He opened his speech wearing a dashiki and quoting Marx in Swahili. #SOTU

Newt will enjoy the State of the Union address tonight in his usual fashion – sound muted, a photo of his head pasted on TV screen over the president’s and reading his own version aloud. His will go on an hour longer than Obama’s, though, because he assumes more interruptions for applause.

Watching Bainman and Freddie Mac’s historian argue over who’s been more rapacious in ransacking the economy for their own personal gain is a little like watching the Cowboys and Patriots play each other. Who cares who wins, really? Just grab a bowl of popcorn, tune in and cheer for lots of injuries.

An Omaha senator's plan to explore damming a river and flooding the town of Ashland to create a reservoir has died in legislative committee. Still in committee, though, are his bills to burn the town to the ground or starve it into oblivion. I don't know what that little town ever did to him, but damn, man, let it go.

As for Steven Tyler singing the National Anthem: Just push stop.

Mitt Romney is going to release some of his tax returns, but only grudgingly. “I was told there would be no math,” he said.

Fresh trouble for Newt, who likes to say he's a changed man because he's "gone to God for forgiveness and reconciliation" for past transgressions. But God issued a statement today saying he's "never heard of the guy." ABC has a blockbuster interview with God tonight to get His side of the story. In response, Newt prepares to unleash 30-minute attack video against the Lord, pointing out some of the nastier acts of God over several thousands of years.

Take it from me, guys: If you're gonna ask your wife for an open marriage, make sure you already have a mistress lined up, or at least a prospect or two in mind. When I asked my wife, she laughed hysterically and said, "Sure, loverboy, knock yourself out." Now, every time I go out, she asks, "Goin' to see the other woman?" And then she laughs and laughs and laughs. No respect, I tell ya, I get no respect.

Democrats aren't booing. They're saying "NEEEEEEEWT!"

How confident is Newt Gingrich now? Well, he just formed a committee to choose a vice presidential running mate -- and another committee to choose a first lady.

Going to see "Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close" this afternoon. It's a documentary about the 2012 Republican presidential race so far, right?

Here’s my concern: Does Newt believe in an open presidency, too? Is he gonna want to govern some hotter, blonder little country on the side while serving as president of the tired, obese, debt-ridden United States? There’s your first question for the next debate, John King.

The revelations from Mrs. Gingrich 2.0 landed with a bit of a thud, but be sure to tune into ABC News tonight for a real blockbuster. They have an exclusive interview with Mitt Romney's infamous roof-riding Irish Setter, Seamus. That son of a bitch just might bring Mitt's campaign down with his inside story.

One reason the Newt Gingrich story isn't catching on is it lacks the irresistible euphemisms of other famous recent extramarital adventures -- Senator Craig's "I have a wide stance," Governor Sanford's "walking the Appalachian Trail," Pastor George Rekers' "I hired him to carry my luggage." Let's see what we can do with Newt: "Banging the Speaker's gavel" is a bit too obvious. "Invoking cloture" isn't bad, but that's a Senate thing. Maybe "passing the stimulus package?"

Not that I’m in the market for one, mind you, but how exactly does one begin a conversation with one’s wife about having an “open marriage?” Ideally, I suppose, from a distance farther than one’s wife can throw. #NewtGingrich

Mitt's a little looser at tonight's debate. He just went Duderino on Newt: "yeah, well, that's just like your opinion, man."

Rick Perry's farewell news conference turned kinda poignant when he asked, "Now, would someone remind me what state I'm governor of, so I can go home?"

To review: Newt Gingrich left wife No. 1 after she got cancer and wife No. 2 after she got multiple sclerosis. No wonder Callista’s trying to hide from him that nagging little cough she’s developed.

I can't wait for the next issue of The Atlantic, in which Stephen Bloom updates his controversial essay. Headline: "Iowans May Be Ignorant, Backward, Culturally Clueless, Overly White, Evangelical Rubes, But At Least They Can't Count Either."

For the second straight day, the Lincoln Journal Star reports Bob Kerrey is still deciding whether to run for Senate. Elsewhere in today's paper: Generalissimo Francisco Franco is still dead.

In the wake of Paula Deen’s diabetes revelation, other celebrity chefs are coming clean: In Alex Guarnaschelli's home pantry: nothing but ramen noodles and Velveeta. Every morning Geoffrey Zakarian empties three Dustbuster loads of Oreo crumbs from his bed. And Rachael Ray's blood-EVOO content is 35 percent, which makes her legally and biologically a member of the olive family.

Moment When You Question Your Decision to Have Children, No. 2,117: Your child asks to borrow one of your favorite items of clothing to wear for Nerd Day at school.

Hot seller in Italy: T-shirts emblazoned with "Vado a bordo, cazzo!" Translation: "Get back on board, for f---'s sake!" Capitalism always finds a way, doesn't it?

BREAKING NEWS: University libraries are overrun as millions of students grapple with the Dewey Decimal System for the first time. (That’s DEWEY – not Do Wii, kids.) #SOPA #Wikipedia

Iran is plotting revenge on the U.S. Not going after mere nuclear scientists, though. CIA intel warns they’re gonna hit America where it really hurts: Take out, one by one, "American Idol" and "Biggest Loser" contestants, maybe a “Desperate Housewife” or two.

At last night's debate Rick Perry said South Carolina is "at war" with federal government. Excellent: At long last those goofy Civil War re-enactors' moment has arrived.

Before you run around screaming that the sky is falling, stop, take a deep breath, calm yourself and make sure it's not just the ground rising really rapidly.

Tonight's debate drinking game: a swallow for every cringe-worthy reference to Martin Luther King. Chug at the first candidate who says "some of my best friends are black."

With Huntsman out, there'll be no Mandarin talk at tonight's South Carolina debate, so more attention will be on Perry's struggles with English as a first language and on Newt, who speaks fluent Asshat.

Don't get me wrong: Whether on land or at sea, I'm a women-and-children-first kind of guy myself, though I have been known to shove 'em aside if I see crab legs are running low in the buffet line.

Inaccurate Martin Luther King Jr. quote on the new monument is to be corrected, Interior secretary says. "I've been to the mountaintop. Can you hear me now?"

I wonder if Martin Luther King Jr. ever had a dream after eating burritos or pizza after 10 p.m.? 'Cause, man, I sure have some doozies then.

Michelle Obama started tweeting last week. Good for her. But I dunno, she might want to dial back a little on the Mao quotations, fatty recipes and rants about whitey.

We will know we have finally achieved Dr. King's dream of a color-blind society when stores celebrate Martin Luther King Day weekend with a white sale.

More bad news for the Broncos: The NFL announced it will suspend Tebow for the first four games next season for using PEDs -- prayer-enhancing drugs.

Last year's Miss America's cause was eating disorders. The new one's cause is mentoring prisoners' children. Doesn't anyone give a damn about world peace anymore?

Wait, what -- John Edwards has a heart condition? How can that be? Glad you asked. It's actually a fairly common medical phenomenon; perhaps you've heard of it.

Phantom pain.

Thrilled to see odometer at 99,987 a few days ago. Next time I looked: 100,004. Sonovabitch, missed it. #firstworldproblem

So, I guess Mitt Romney's business dealings are the Bain of his existence, huh? (Ba-da-bump.)

By the way, it's also a sin to mock a killingbird. Really stupid, too, on account of they get really, really angry when mocked, and ... well, I presume I don't have to spell out for you what they do when provoked.

The happiest phrase in the English language: Instant cookie delivery. #GirlScouts

By the way, it's also a sin to mock a killingbird. Really stupid, too, on account of they get really, really angry when mocked, and ... well, I presume I don't have to spell out for you what they do when provoked.

Nice touch: Romney celebrates his win by calling several staffers to the stage and firing 'em.

Another bad day for Romney, who tells a crowd in Derry, "I like to hunt for good people to hire.” Media, GOP rivals and Democrats rip him for "liking to hunt people.”

Delight, baffle and enrage colleagues and enliven those dreary office meetings by inexplicably barking out great movie and TV lines when it's my turn to speak. Like: “Well, this is not a boat accident! And it wasn't any propeller; and it wasn't any coral reef; and it wasn't Jack the Ripper! It was a shark.” Then, glare around the room, grab my notebook and storm out the door. #2012resolution

For the first time in BCS history, an SEC team lost in the title game. Ha-ha, SEC, you suck.

I understand politics makes for strange bedfellows, but hearing Romney's rivals channel the Occupiers in attacking him for corporate greed? Man, that must be some of that man-on-dog action Santorum warns about.

As one of those sought-after swing voters, I find Romney's reputation as a flip-flopper to be one of his most appealing qualities, as it helps me believe he doesn't believe half the things he's saying in this campaign.

After successfully remembering the three agencies he wants to cut during today’s debate, a cocky Rick Perry, feeling his oats, went on to recite the names of Newt’s three wives. At the next debate, he plans to mention the four food groups; the one after that, the names of the five original Rolling Stones; and, by the Michigan primary, if he’s still in the race by then, at least 20 letters of the alphabet.

So, let me see if I have the new NFL overtime rule straight: It's only sudden death if Tebow scores? That seems about right.

First question, next debate: Iran develops a bomb that doesn't kill people, but it makes everyone want to gay-marry. What will your administration do?

Good Lord, there's more gay content in these Republican debates than in an episode of "Project Runway."

One nice thing about switching gyms is that the workout equipment at the new place doesn't know me well enough yet to know I'm fudging a little when I tell it how much I weigh -- though based on its groaning, it may have its suspicions.

After successfully remembering the three agencies he wants to cut during today’s debate, a cocky Rick Perry, feeling his oats, went on to recite the names of Newt’s three wives. At the next debate, he plans to mention the four food groups; the one after that, the names of the five original Rolling Stones; and, by the Michigan primary, if he’s still in the race by then, at least 20 letters of the alphabet.

Holy crap! I just saw Debra Winger and Willie Nelson at the Lincoln airport. I think this thing's on! #BobKerrey

The advantage of electing Rick Santorum is that he's already declared war on Iran, so we can hit the ground running when he's inaugurated, unlike Romney, who will take a year to get troops into Tehran; or Obama, who took a couple of years to take it to Libya; or, worst of all, Ron Paul, who might not go to war at all.

Help us, Obi-Bob Kerrey, you're our only hope. #NebraskaDemocrats

Finally figure out the wattage of my microwave oven, even if I have to take the thing apart and count the watts myself. #2012resolution

Change emergency contact name on all medical, employment and field trip forms to Batman, because, really, who else? #2012resolution

Nebraska's attorney general is pushing for legislation to ban the chemicals used to make bath salts. Good idea, but as long as government's going to go into our bathrooms, how about a ban on the chemicals used to make Axe body spray, too?

Shhh, everyone. Please quit talking about the weather, or winter’s going to hear us and remember we’re here.

Refine, begin marketing and get rich on the new interior decorating/martial art fusion I have developed in which I carefully align furniture, artwork, etc., around my house, then kick the crap out of it. Very refreshing and invigorating. I call it Feng Shui Taekwondo. #2012resolution

I will spend less time and energy engaging in philosophical debates about whether glasses are half full or half empty -- and more time and energy in refilling them.#2012resolution

It may be 61 degrees out there, people, but don’t be fooled. With wind chill, it feels more like 60.5. Be careful.

To those like reporter Andrea Mitchell who say Iowa is "too white" to have such a key role in choosing presidents, good news: New Hampshire is next.

I am done with "learning experiences," thank you very much. But I do have a number of "teaching experiences" I'd like to deliver. #2012resolution

Oh no, disaster for Bachmann! She mistakenly has her supporters caucusing in Ohio.

Never mind having a star named for a loved one. Rick Perry is offering to name executions after caucus supporters.

I got alotta money riding on Newt Gingrich name-dropping Lincoln, Churchill, Thatcher and Disraeli in his concession tonight.

Cool. The CNN Classic Network is airing the 1980 Iowa Caucuses tonight.

I don’t mean to sound ageist, but every time I see Ron Paul, I can’t help but think of that old man in the neighborhood always yelling at kids to get off his lawn. So, if he’s elected, that annual White House Easter Egg Roll could be a real public-relations disaster for his administration.

Well, at least I’m among people to whom I can bitch about having to be at work today, since for some reason those without a week-plus holiday break just don’t seem to understand my pain.

I can’t believe Democrats are falling for this brilliant piece of performance art by the Republicans. Isn’t it obvious that this field of “candidates” has been deliberately and carefully assembled to give gullible liberals and the lamestream media a severe case of the vapors? I mean, look at ‘em: glib 1 percentism, racist rants; filthy neologism; xenophobia; birtherism; rank hypocrisy; social reactionism; the butchery of simple history. Hell, they even included a Texas governor that makes the last one look like Abe Lincoln. It’s like a ham-fisted Michael Moore satire. Some GOP leaders thought it was going overboard to throw Newt Gingrich into the mix, that surely their scheme would be discovered, but what a virtuoso performance he’s given; what can one say but “bravo!” After this diversionary tactic, come its convention next summer, the GOP will trot out its Colin Powell-Mitch Daniels ticket, which will kick Obama’s butt in November.

A (maybe) final 2011-12 edition of Beaucoup Boku (Husker haiku from Coach Pelini):

Well played, Alfonzo
Tried to get ejected, too
Bastards made me stay

All right Husker fans, let's all back away from the social media and do something constructive with the rest of our day: Punch a hole in the wall, kick the dog, scream at the kids.

On the bright side, the Mayan calendar tells us the world will end before the Huskers' next bowl game.

I have always mocked those who pay someone to decorate their homes for Christmas. Where is the spirit of the season in that? But I'd pay the first person who shows up at my door $75 an hour to undecorate this place. Maybe $100, plus you can eat all the old candy canes and Christmas cookie crumbs you find. Any takers?

I will quit trying to rescue dogs that are attached to leashes. #2012resolution

I will drink bad beer, eat cheap chocolate and work a Monday crossword puzzle if I must, but I no longer will accept lousy coffee. Everyone should be an elitist snob about something -- just not everything. #2012resolution