The War on Christmas -- A Report From the Front

LINCOLN, Neb. -- Witnesses this morning reported seeing a convoy headed into town: tanks, artillery equipment and armored Humvees -- including, in the lead, one driven by Santa, bazooka- and AK47-toting elves hanging out the windows; and another driven by a guy in a robe and with long, flowing hair and beard, huge, ostentatious crucifix swinging from the rear-view mirror, “Honk If You Love Me” bumper sticker on the back.

"Bring us the head of Staci, Walmart clerk, checkout lane No. 10, who dared to utter 'Happy Holidays' to a shopper," screamed one of the elves as he tossed a Molotov cocktail toward a couple of unbelievers.

It looks like the counter-attack in the War on Christmas has begun. JC and Santa are fightin’ back. It’s on now.

Count me as a noncombatant, a conscientious objector even, in the War on Christmas. I believe in Jesus Christ and dig Santa, too, but my faith in them is affected not one whit by what anyone else believes or doesn't believe, or how they choose to show or not show it.

In other words, as a practicing Christian, I'm way too busy practicing, practicing, practicing in a vain attempt to get my own faith right to get my kerchief in a bunch about what anyone else is doing or believing this time of year.

Granted, it would be a better world if everyone believed in everything I do, but if I ever get to wave a wand and make that happen, I'll choose to make this a world in which everyone believes in red traffic lights rather than one in which everyone believes in Christ and/or Santa.

Alas, though, for some 'tis the season to embrace victimhood, gin up outrage and promote unrest on earth. That includes the American Family Association, which keeps a list -- and checks it twice -- of retailers who refuse to greet customers with a "Merry Christmas" but rather offer "Season's Greetings" or "Happy Holidays" or some such Godless, commie hate propaganda. The AFA also harangues local governments that refuse to place creches on their grounds.

I saw a cashier last week utter the offending "Happy Holidays" to a woman, who clearly was put out. "And a Merry Christmas to you," the woman responded acidly. Why, yes, kids, look: It's a visit from The Bitch of Christmas Present. Then, she turned and looked at me as if I were on her side. I wish I'd said, "Don't look at me, lady -- I'm a Kwanzaa man."

The Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights weighed in this season by sending small nativity scenes to all 50 governors, encouraging them to display them in capitol rotundas. Those who do so, of course, can expect legal action from the ever-vigilant ACLU. (Did you know that every time the ACLU files a creche-crushing legal brief, an angel gets its wings torn off?)

My position on this is clear: I don't want my local municipality wasting one dime on legal battles over nativity displays that it could spend instead on buying more snow removal equipment.

And then there are the atheists, who got into the fun this year by placing a billboard outside the Lincoln Tunnel in New Jersey that says "You Know It's a Myth. This Season, Celebrate Reason." To which the aforementioned Catholic League responded, in a billboard nearby, "You Know It's Real. This Season, Celebrate Jesus."

In other fronts in the War on Christmas, Sen. James Inhofe, R-Okla., was "deeply saddened and disappointed" when Tulsa replaced the word "Christmas" with "Holiday" in a parade title and he refused to participate in the parade, which was OK, as it made for one less horse's ass to clean up after. In Philadelphia, Christian outrage ensued after a Christmas Village display was rechristened -- oops, better make that renamed -- Holiday Village.

And then there's this new straight-to-video production: http://bit.ly/huLgXK. What this lacks in subtlety it appears to make up for in bad acting, including a stirring performance by one of the Lesser Baldwin Brothers.

I don't share this angst. I can't think of a single time in this country that I've felt oppressed or persecuted as a Christian. As for my brethren who do see conspiracy and jack-booted oppression in the insufficiently Christian tone of some poor overworked and underpaid cashier's greeting, might I suggest they try getting caught with a case of Bibles in, say, Saudi Arabia, where Christians still can get arrested and lashed in public. Perhaps that might provide some perspective, hmm?

In any case, there's certainly no shortage of creches in my town, and probably not in yours either. In fact, you can't swing a dead reindeer without hitting a creche, and I love them all -- from the kinda tacky, plastic, lighted ones to the simple, elegant hay-bale or wooden designs to the live versions. I find solace and peace in these beautiful depictions of my faith, particularly on a cold, clear winter night when one can look at the stars and almost imagine the original Christmas some 2,000 years ago.

I can't imagine why, given the Christian immersion around me this time of year, I'd pass a courthouse lawn and feel outraged that no nativity is allowed there, or lament that a clerk wishes me "Season's Greetings." I can't imagine why I'd feel so insecure in my faith, however imperfect, that I'd demand all pay tribute to it this time of year.

Perhaps we might ask: WWJD in this environment? Or, for that matter, WWSCD? I suspect J and SC would agree on this advice for everyone this time of year: Chill out. Quit bitching. Accept and tolerate others, whether they believe as you do, or not, or maybe just aren't sure what they believe. Some are more into Santa than Jesus, but judge not. Love the ones you're with, and those you can't be with -- and tell them. Count your blessings, which include living in a country built, however imperfectly, on respect for those who believe, whatever they believe, and those who don't. Give a special hug and kiss to any babies you encounter because babies at Christmas are just plain cool. Pray if that's your thing, and don't if it's not. Let there be peace on earth, and let it begin with you. Eat and drink sensibly. Put your hat and gloves on. Check the oil. Etc.

For Christ's sake. For Santa's sake. Or both's. Or neither's, if you prefer.

Oh, and Merry Christmas -- AND Season's Greetings.