My Christmas wish to you: May you not encounter the three most awful words of Christmas Eve. No, not "Oysters taste weird." Not: "Mom, you're Santa?" Not: "Seriously, taste 'em." Not: "Dog's puking tinsel." Not: "Oysters definitely bad (urp)." Not: "Walmart, once more." Not: "Um, shitter's full." Not: "Yep -- expired June." Not: "911? Food poisoning!" No, the three most awful words of Christmas Eve: "Some assembly required."