Bad news, kids: Immigration raided Santa's workshop. He had a bunch of illegals working there -- penguins from Antarctica. He likes 'em because they're non-union; keep their mouths shut, unlike those jabbering elves; work for fish; don't need the shop heated; and they really rock the March of the Tin Soldier. Also, they do jobs the elves won't -- scoop reindeer poop, assemble Lady Gaga action figures, rub Mrs. Claus's warty feet.