Random thoughts at 50

President Obama and I both turned 50 this month. Although he's clearly had a more successful career, I console myself with the certainty that I'm having a much better year.

If this is not the life I imagined for myself, say, 30 years ago, well, thank God for that, for no one at 20 is creative or twisted enough to imagine what life can dish out, for better or worse. It is better, richer and also harder and more heartbreaking than one can imagine as a callow youth. Presumably, even the 50-year-old who’s learned plenty of hard lessons still cannot grasp what lies ahead. I hope so.

I don't kid myself that I have all the answers. But I’d like to think I’m asking better questions.

Anyway, some random observations, bits of advice, ramblings, whatever, from a guy at 50:

-- Don't wait for your ship to come in. It doesn't work that way. You’re probably going to have to row a leaky dinghy out to it, or maybe even swim through shark-infested waters.

-- Speaking of leaky dinghies, always go to the bathroom when you have the chance, even if you don’t think you have to go. This is even truer at 50 than at 5.

-- I, too, believe the children are our future, which is why I avoid shopping malls on weekend afternoons because, Jesus, they’re annoying, and it’s depressing to imagine them running the world.

On the other hand, look what we’ve done with it, so never mind.

-- If one is lucky, one’s hearing and sight will fade at roughly the same rate as one encounters more and more things one doesn’t want to hear or see.

-- The greatest lie in life: “It’s more afraid of you than you are of it.” Bullshit.

-- Everyone should own recordings of “Rubber Soul,” "Astral Weeks," “Dusty in Memphis,” “London Calling” and “Modern Sounds in Country & Western Music.” Anything else is extraneous.

-- Cautious optimism is generally the best way to approach life, but for a change of pace every now and then try hopeful pessimism.

-- Most of the ills in today's world can be tied to the fact that librarians don’t shush people anymore.

-- Every day is a near death experience. Live accordingly. And, yes, that is code for go ahead and stand in front of the fridge, door open, while you polish off that cheesecake right out of the pan.

-- When in doubt about what to do, pray. And love. And, go ahead and eat, too. You gotta eat. Hey, maybe I’ll write a book.

-- Panburger Partner is no substitute for Hamburger Helper. Spend the extra 75 cents, tightwad.

-- When looking for an exit strategy, sometimes it's as simple as finding a door.

-- At least once a day laugh so hard that milk comes out your nose, unless you weren't drinking milk, of course, in which case get yourself to the emergency room.

-- There’s a huge difference between being up until 3 a.m. and getting up at 3 a.m., and maturity, if not fun, is preferring the latter to the former.

-- Money may not buy happiness, but if you happen to be rich and happy, quit saying that to the rest of us.

-- Whenever you enter a room you've never been in before, take note of where the security cameras are. That's not to say some shit's gonna go down, but you can't be too careful -- and you may need to know how to eliminate the evidence.

-- Speaking of which, it may never come to this, but give a little forethought to the message you want your mugshot to convey if all hell breaks loose and it gets splashed in the paper and across the local news and Interwebs. No stunned disbelief, teary-eyed anguish or drunken gape. How about a crooked smile, a raised eyebrow, maybe a devil-may-care wink that says, "well, we all knew it would come to this, didn't we?"

-- The unexamined life may not be worth living, but the over-examined one is probably worse.

-- The parable of the blind men and the elephant is an intriguing one, though you're pretty sure you know exactly what part of the animal you always end up grabbing, and .... eeew.

-- Whenever possible, choose to spend time with people who make you laugh and who don't look better in a swimsuit than you do.

-- The secret to success is neither “volume, volume, volume” not “location, location, location,” but rather, “love, love, love.”

-- And, finally, a thought my fellow August '61 baby asked me to share: Although it's great to live in a country where anyone can grow up to be president, for God's sake, don't!