Is there anything more inspirational or beautiful than a bright, shiny new offensive coordinator? Why, just look at ours: The stylish shades and headset; the grim but fatherly set to his jaw, mouth halfway between an encouraging smile and profanity-laced takedown of a 300-pound offensive lineman; the bold, confident hand gesture; the slightest of belly overhang, just enough to show this is a man who doesn't waste his time on vain pursuits in the gym but rather lives every waking moment breaking down game film and plotting the destruction of the next opponent. And, best of all, in his left hand a sheaf of papers, on which, no doubt, are the most masterful offensive plays ever devised, plays so brilliant that when they're executed, the masters on high -- Bryant, Lombardi, Rockne, Paterno (wait, is he dead yet?) -- will look down with great approval and say, "this one has The Force with him." Hope and change, baby; hope and change.

God, I think I might be in love.

Now, try not to f*** this up, Beck.

Oh yeah: And GBR!

Looks like A&M just put Beebe in a corner. But he’s working on a replacement. Several possibilities on his list: a shirts-and-skins flag football team comprising drunken Gulf Coast oil-drill workers, a community college from Colombia, Mo., or, most intriguing, Real Madrid, which is looking to make inroads in the U.S. Failing that, conference is considering new name. The Supine Nine? The Bad Bet Nonet? Tex Mess? Bevo and his Bitches?

3 Days and Counting Amazing if True Husker/B1G Trivia: In 1982 Mike Rozier posted a disparaging remark about the 1971 Huskers, saying they weren't fit to hold the '82 team's jocks and noting that Bob Devaney wasn't all that. Fortunately, Twitter hadn't been invented yet, so the observation went unseen in Rozier's college-rule notebook, interspersed with pages and pages of sketches of himself striking a Heisman pose.

Saw preview of programming from The Longhorn Network. NU fans should avoid James Brown’s “4th & Inches Cold Sweat” but will enjoy the McCoy-Suh sitcom “One & a Half – Oops, Eew, Make That One & a Quarter -- Men” and Ricky Williams’ “Yoga & Weed Revue.” Not sure what to make of Earl Campbell’s “Hey, Look at the Weird Things I Can Make My Spine and Knee Do” reality show. But BevoVision is mostly Texans staring into the camera, saying “gaaawdamn, we’re from Texas. Gaaawdamn, ain’t we somethin’?!”

Most startling revelation in Cheney's new memoirs? He once shot a page in the Senate cloakroom, just to watch him die.

Reports are that polygamist/child rapist/all-round d-bag Warren Jeffs has been put into a medically induced coma. That's too bad. He would have been a better candidate for a physically induced coma. It's cheaper that way, too.

Well, at least Longhorn fan can count the teams in his conference now without taking a boot and sock off. And soon, he'll be able to do so without taking his thumb out of his ass, either. (Hey-oh, saddle up, podner; it's a Texas-bashin' Tuesday.)

4 Days and Counting Amazing if True Husker/B1G Trivia: New hotshot Wisconsin quarterback Russell Wilson may be all that, but rumor has it he practices quick kicks using puppies and kittens. Just thought someone might wanna mention that to noted animal lover Jared Crick shortly before the Husker-Badger kickoff Oct. 1, that's all I'm sayin'.

It's starting to dawn on me that the fact that Bachmann and Perry are GOP frontrunners is itself a sign from God. Apparently, and for whatever reason, He's REALLY pissed at us.

5 Days & Counting Amazing if True Husker/B1G Trivia: Two new multi-lane roundabouts have been built near Memorial Stadium to help with game-day traffic flow. Excellent idea. They also have a second purpose: On days when the Huskers lose, they will serve as post-game demolition derby tracks where fans can work off their anger and frustration. The design even includes a clever drainage system designed by Nebraska engineering students for sluicing away blood and body and car parts.

5 Days and Counting Amazing if True Husker/B1G Trivia: The Lincoln Chamber of Commerce already is concerned about Miami’s game against the Huskers here Sept. 20, 2014. This town doesn’t have nearly enough hookers to meet The U’s needs. They may need to bus some in from KC.

We need to come up with a term for the unusual mix of relief, disappointment and embarrassment that media and weathercasters feel when a much-hyped storm peters out and is less ferocious than promised. And I’m pretty sure we’re gonna need to dip into German to capture the gestalt of it. Let’s see: Maybe “stormenfreude” or “hurricangst.” Perhaps “storm und … und … und … dang!” Or "fachtung" (the key is the pronunciation, of course; you know how to say it). Or, for winter storms, “blizzeitgeist.”

There’s something deeply disconcerting about natural-disaster victims with New York rather than southern accents. Too many “fuhgeddaboutits,” not enough “gaaaaahdayams.”

6 Days & Counting Amazing if True Husker/B1G Trivia: The first forward pass in NU history was, like so many of history's technological and scientific advances, an accident. A QB was trying to hand off but the ball slipped from his hand and went forward 5 yards, to be caught by a wide receiver, a species previously kept on the roster only to serve as the subjects of hazing, and an occasional appetizer, for offensive linemen. The year was 1980. Osborne liked it so much, he called another pass. In 1985.

7 Days & Counting Amazing if True Husker/B1G Trivia: Got a new DVD of Husker highlights from the 2000s. From 2004-2007, though, there's just a cartoon figure of Tom Osborne wearing a hardhat, scowling and holding a hammer and, written underneath, "Please be patient. We are experiencing technical difficulties." Then the highlights resume in 2008.

7 Days and Counting Amazing if True Husker/B1G Trivia: NU's offense fumbled 45 times last year. So, it's back to basics this season, as Coach Bo's gonna try an age-old motivational trick in which every time a player fumbles he'll spend the following week required to carry the ball with him everywhere he goes. To drive the point home, though, a Pelinian twist: Bo will give the ball to the offending player in suppository form.

Rick Perry announced today that he'd cut back on foreign trips if elected president, in part to save money. Also, he said, "That round Earth talk is just a theory, and I ain't gonna take a chance by gettin' too close to the edge."

New advisory from federal government: If the quake-damaged Washington Monument should go down during Hurricane Irene, it can be used as a flotation device.

At the risk of being indelicate, it should be noted that anyone who says men aren't capable of multiple orgasms has never watched a weathercaster reporting on an approaching hurricane.

8 Days and Counting Amazing if True Husker/B1G Trivia: The Cornhusker Marching Band has a very nice tribute planned for its new conference mates when the Buckeyes play in Lincoln Oct. 8. At halftime, the NU band will march into that classic Ohio script formation, then spell out Nebraska before ending in a giant sweater vest pattern on the field.

I'm pretty pumped about the new DIY Deep Fat Fry booth at the Nebraska State Fair. Anything you can put on a stick they'll dip in boiling oil, no questions asked.

More cracks discovered in the Washington Monument, and new quake damage found farther north, too: In Philly, the crack in the Liberty Bell closed up, but even worse is the split that opened up in the Statue of Liberty’s robe. Damn. Let’s just say Lady Liberty got back.

Nine Days & Counting Amazing if True Husker/B1G Trivia: I saw Tommie Frazier and his family at the grocery store. Helluva sight. He grabbed a dozen eggs, scampered to right side of the aisle, then, right before he collided with an old lady's cart, pitched them back to his son, as his daughter flattened a stockboy who was in the way. Shoppers applauded, but his family looked exhausted. I guess he drills 'em on playbook nightly. Kinda sad, really. Years of therapy, but the man cannot stop running the option.

To hell with it. I've decided to forget both the Maine AND the Alamo. I just think it's time.

10 Days and Counting Amazing if True Husker/B1G Trivia: The new head football coach at Minnesota is Jerry Kill. Yes. As in Kill, Gophers. When Minnesota plays in Lincoln, one hopes the Husker student section can be counted on to lead the chants of "Carl Spackler."

Random thoughts at 50

President Obama and I both turned 50 this month. Although he's clearly had a more successful career, I console myself with the certainty that I'm having a much better year.

If this is not the life I imagined for myself, say, 30 years ago, well, thank God for that, for no one at 20 is creative or twisted enough to imagine what life can dish out, for better or worse. It is better, richer and also harder and more heartbreaking than one can imagine as a callow youth. Presumably, even the 50-year-old who’s learned plenty of hard lessons still cannot grasp what lies ahead. I hope so.

I don't kid myself that I have all the answers. But I’d like to think I’m asking better questions.

Anyway, some random observations, bits of advice, ramblings, whatever, from a guy at 50:

-- Don't wait for your ship to come in. It doesn't work that way. You’re probably going to have to row a leaky dinghy out to it, or maybe even swim through shark-infested waters.

-- Speaking of leaky dinghies, always go to the bathroom when you have the chance, even if you don’t think you have to go. This is even truer at 50 than at 5.

-- I, too, believe the children are our future, which is why I avoid shopping malls on weekend afternoons because, Jesus, they’re annoying, and it’s depressing to imagine them running the world.

On the other hand, look what we’ve done with it, so never mind.

-- If one is lucky, one’s hearing and sight will fade at roughly the same rate as one encounters more and more things one doesn’t want to hear or see.

-- The greatest lie in life: “It’s more afraid of you than you are of it.” Bullshit.

-- Everyone should own recordings of “Rubber Soul,” "Astral Weeks," “Dusty in Memphis,” “London Calling” and “Modern Sounds in Country & Western Music.” Anything else is extraneous.

-- Cautious optimism is generally the best way to approach life, but for a change of pace every now and then try hopeful pessimism.

-- Most of the ills in today's world can be tied to the fact that librarians don’t shush people anymore.

-- Every day is a near death experience. Live accordingly. And, yes, that is code for go ahead and stand in front of the fridge, door open, while you polish off that cheesecake right out of the pan.

-- When in doubt about what to do, pray. And love. And, go ahead and eat, too. You gotta eat. Hey, maybe I’ll write a book.

-- Panburger Partner is no substitute for Hamburger Helper. Spend the extra 75 cents, tightwad.

-- When looking for an exit strategy, sometimes it's as simple as finding a door.

-- At least once a day laugh so hard that milk comes out your nose, unless you weren't drinking milk, of course, in which case get yourself to the emergency room.

-- There’s a huge difference between being up until 3 a.m. and getting up at 3 a.m., and maturity, if not fun, is preferring the latter to the former.

-- Money may not buy happiness, but if you happen to be rich and happy, quit saying that to the rest of us.

-- Whenever you enter a room you've never been in before, take note of where the security cameras are. That's not to say some shit's gonna go down, but you can't be too careful -- and you may need to know how to eliminate the evidence.

-- Speaking of which, it may never come to this, but give a little forethought to the message you want your mugshot to convey if all hell breaks loose and it gets splashed in the paper and across the local news and Interwebs. No stunned disbelief, teary-eyed anguish or drunken gape. How about a crooked smile, a raised eyebrow, maybe a devil-may-care wink that says, "well, we all knew it would come to this, didn't we?"

-- The unexamined life may not be worth living, but the over-examined one is probably worse.

-- The parable of the blind men and the elephant is an intriguing one, though you're pretty sure you know exactly what part of the animal you always end up grabbing, and .... eeew.

-- Whenever possible, choose to spend time with people who make you laugh and who don't look better in a swimsuit than you do.

-- The secret to success is neither “volume, volume, volume” not “location, location, location,” but rather, “love, love, love.”

-- And, finally, a thought my fellow August '61 baby asked me to share: Although it's great to live in a country where anyone can grow up to be president, for God's sake, don't!

11 Days and Counting Amazing if True Husker/B1G Trivia: Bill Callahan got fired just in time. When Pelini went through some old files, he came across a secret Callahan plan to change the tunnel-walk music the next year to "My Heart Will Go On" from "Titanic," with Callahan to lead the way of the tunnel, shouting "I'm king of the world." That man sure did love him some Celine Dion.

I saved a kitten stuck in a tree this morning; then, while jumping around celebrating, I accidentally knocked a little girl down a well. So, I guess it’s gonna be one of THOSE weeks, eh?

12 Days & Counting Amazing if True Husker/B1G Trivia: NU fans pride themselves on sportsmanship, applauding opponents, win or lose, as they leave the field. It's not quite as it seems, tho: The University stocks the corner of the stadium where visiting teams exit with ringers -- Mormons, Quakers, nuns & the like. In '90, Colorado coach Bill McCartney accidentally led his team to the wrong corner and saw several of his Buffs roughed up by fans. McCartney barely survived; 'twas the day he found Jesus, BTW.

As for "The Help," I haven't seen so many white women I wanted to dope slap since I accidentally landed on "Toddlers and Tiaras" while channel surfing.

Wow, that was disappointing. Turns out "The Help" is NOT a grammatically more precise update of my favorite Beatles movie. Want my $7.50 back.

12 Days & Counting Amazing if True Husker/B1G Trivia: A&M brags about its 12th Man tradition. Big deal. NU has 81,067 people in the stadium champin' at the bit to step in at a moment's notice, grab the headset from that clueless jackwagon in the coach's booth and call the offense because, for chrissake, how hard can it be to come up with a play to convert a 3rd-and-2? (As for me, I keep my own secret playbook zipped away in a compartment in my portable stadium seat; I assume others do the same.)

A new Taiwanese study says just 15 minutes of vigorous exercise a day can add three years to your life. Damn, talk about a vicious cycle. You know what three more years of life means? 16,425 MORE minutes of exercise. So, screw that.

13 Days and Counting Amazing if True Husker/B1G Trivia: NU is unveiling an exciting new offense this season -- the 3D Offense. Be sure to pick up your free 3D glasses when you enter the stadium. Put them on and check it out: it looks like the offense is actually moving! Awesome.

After checking out my daughter’s new dorm digs this week, I did what every other girl’s father does – wandered the halls of the co-ed building and laid the stink-eye on every guy I encountered.

When I was a young man, I lived by the words of that great English musician/philosopher, Declan MacManus: “I used to be disgusted; now I try to be amused.” But as I have aged, I’ve come to appreciate that life is far too nuanced to be captured by a single smug punk rock lyric. In other words, I’ve learned it’s possible – indeed, necessary in these times – to be capable of feeling both disgust AND amusement, at the same time. That's called maturity.

Maybe the best way to put the Miami story into perspective is to imagine, what if National Lampoon made a movie about college football?

14 Days and Counting Amazing if True Husker/B1G Trivia: When Tom Osborne drinks a little too much milk, gets hopped up on calcium and forgets to take his heart meds, he gets a little loopy and can be talked into doing his incredible Steve Spurrier impression, which ends with him spraying spittle every whichaway and grabbing his visor and throwing it on the ground in fury. It is not to be missed.

No death penalty, scholarship losses or bowl bans for Miami. No, something much more diabolical: Make The 'Canes relocate, take their talents from South Beach to, say, Fargo. Snowmobiles and ice fishing instead of yachts and surfing, where a well-heeled booster might offer fast-food coupons rather than tens of thousands in cash, and where the hookers wear snowsuits, mukluks and skin as pale as snowdrifts and carry around about 75 extra pounds of winter insulation instead of stuffing shapely tanned flesh into bikinis. That oughta take the starch out of The U, eh?

I am cooperating fully with the investigation. Just always wanted to say that.

We moderate Nebraska Republicans -- all 6 of us -- dread '12. Having made it our No. 1 duty as citizens to vote against Don Stenberg every chance we get, now we contemplate his Senate opponent Jon "It Was an Inartful Statement" Bruning, who hears raccoons in his trash and presumably yells, "hey, you poor people get outta there!" & who earlier gained national attention for warning gay marriage could lead to human-furniture unions. BTW, loser of this clash of titans already is favored to be President Perry's attorney general.

15 Days and Counting Amazing if True Husker/B1G Trivia: Husker fans cannot watch Jets games on TV because the occasional camera shot of assistant coach Bill Callahan on the sidelines still sparks furious seizures and fits of throwing objects at the screen. (And as long as we're talking about Callahan, F---in' Hillbillies still would be a great name for a speed-bluegrass band.)

Like most Americans, I'm still getting to know the guy, but as far as I can tell, Rick Perry is basically W without the nuances and erudition, right?

Downtown Anycollegetown USA on an August night, observe the hordes of rush-going college girls as they storm the streets & lay waste to Chipotle, Qdoba and all points in between, relentlessly claiming entire blocks for their tribes, and compare them to the hordes of Visigoths who once sacked & pillaged towns. Similarities are striking -- fashion senses and language that are crude and indecipherable to the uninitiated and the merciless stampeding of anyone slower and weaker who gets in their way.

Look, we've all been there, right? Standing over our supervisor's desk late at night, accelerant poured and the match lit. But then we remember we are responsible professionals, and this is no way to solve disputes with management. So, we extinguish the match and do the adult thing: Scratch an obscenity into the side of his car in the parking lot, Photoshop some compromising photos of him and post them on the office Intranet, or slip a foreign substance into his coffee.

16 Days and Counting Amazing if True Husker/B1G Trivia: Scientists studying Tommie Frazier's legendary 75-yard TD run against Florida in '96 have concluded, after watching the video frame by frame thousands of times, that there's a moment in that tackle-breaking scrum when Frazier tore a hole in the time-space continuum and slipped into a parallel universe, where he lived for 40 years, before slipping back into our universe, in what was for us just a split second later, and going on to score.

Can't-miss TV: Marcus Bachmann faces his greatest challenge yet as a gay-curing therapist, entering the belly of the beast, as it were, as a guest on "Project Runway." His mission: "Hem the Fem Away."

Dammit, you'd think at 49 I finally could get through the first day of school without fear of a wedgie or a swirlie. But, no. Stupid jocks actually tracked me down at my office already and dispensed one of each. They stepped on my glasses, too. And I'm pretty sure my retainer got bent.

17 Days and Counting Amazing if True Husker/B1G Trivia: Many otherwise level-headed, reasonable adults occasionally get unhealthily obsessed with the life choices of 17-to-20-year-old young men. Henceforth, this condition shall be called Bubbaphilia.

I envy those to whom God gives such clear guidance: "Sell your worldly goods & feed the poor." "So, you love me s'more? Build me a 400-foot temple of graham crackers, chocolate & marshmallows. Get back here, child, I'm joking. Don't be so gullible." Or: "Run for president." When I ask His guidance, I get mumbling, riddles, cryptic parables. "It's in my Book, man. Look it up," He sez. Or: "Well, what do YOU think?" Or: "You know the answer. Quit asking, nimrod." Some of us are on our own, I guess.

Like the Bachmanns, my wife and I both believe in submission theology, but she’s part of the Reformation movement, which takes a slightly different tack on who is to submit to whom.

18 Days & Counting Amazing if True Husker/B1G Trivia: Old NU nemesis Barry Switzer is a modern medical marvel, having achieved a permanent blood-alcohol content of .18. Teetotaling Tom Osborne got hammered for the only time, via second-hand alcohol consumption, when he stood downwind of Barry at a news conference. Doctors say the ol' bootlegger's boy is quite literally pickled and thus could live forever. They call this heretofore unknown medical phenomenon Sooner F---ing Magic, of course.

I assume you're all getting the same message from God I am, right? "Yeah, yeah, I told him to run, but just to get him out of my hair. The guy was asking me, like, six times a day, 'What do you think, Lord? Should I run? Gimme a sign, Lord.' Like a yapping Chihuahua, but with a Texas accent and better hair. Anyway, what the hell do I care who you elect? Your planet doesn't have but about 18 months left. I'm finally chalking this thing up as a failed experiment. Oops, spoiler alert. Sorry."

19 Days and Counting Amazing if True Husker/B1G Trivia: In a secret operation, doctors last week replaced Joe Paterno's right shoulder and pelvis after he was run over by a player, completing their covert reconstruction of him over the last 25 years. Now, he's like Steve Austin, "better than he was before. Better, stronger, faster." In fact, the only original JoePa parts left are the coke-bottle glasses and Brooklyn accent. They even had to artificially add old man smell for authenticity.

Usually they're great neighbors, but every so often Iowa freaks us out just a little. Could be time to toughen border security here in Nebraska. Maybe a 100-foot wide swath of 100-foot tall genetically engineered corn with razor-sharp leaf blades would do the trick.

That was some kind of haunting scene after the Iowa straw poll Saturday, as Tim Pawlenty walked into a cornfield, the plants rustling gently in the breeze as they closed behind him, and he is never to be seen again.

With state fair season under way across middle America, a new warning from the FDA: Stay away from that deep-fried meth on a stick.

Well, this is awkward. God just put out an urgent statement saying He meant to tell KATY Perry to run for president. Apparently He was trying to make some sort of cosmic, though frankly pretty juvenile, commentary about electing boobs to the White House. Good one, God. But if this guy's elected, it's on you, Big Guy.

What the hell?! Missouri to the Parent-Teacher Conference? Hadn't even heard of that one. Apparently they don't even keep score; they just get a letter grade each game, though Mizzou's taking it pass/fail, of course.

Iowans and reporters who swarmed Sarah Palin on her appearance at the Iowa State Fair Friday afternoon were dismayed to discover it was a decoy: Butter Palin.

20 Days and Counting Amazing if True Husker/Big 10 Trivia: Husker fan this year is like the pathetic dude who's gone through a bitter breakup with a girlfriend. Though he's the one who broke it off, and though his new girlfriend is SO much hotter, he's still pissed at and obsessed with his ex. He watches her from afar and roots for her to be miserable. "Oh, look, another guy's dumping the bitch. What a surprise!" Let's move on, Husker fans. After all, we really weren't that into her, anyway.

I believe I could be a Libertarian but for one presumably disqualifying dispute with their tenets: There are certain people I really WANT government to screw with.

Upon watching the GOP debate last night and giving some careful day-after consideration, I'm still solidly backing Generic Republican.

Alec Baldwin’s considering a run for mayor of New York City. Would he govern as amoral but good-natured Jack Donaghy or amoral but ass-kicking “Always Be Closing” Blake from “Glengarry Glenn Ross?” Or, better yet, maybe Pete Schweddy? Ladies, you’ll love his Schweddy gavel.

Kudos to Dan Beebe on his excellent progress toward recreating the Big 8.

21 Days and Counting Amazing if True Husker/B1G Trivia: 'Til this year, as any birdwatcher could have told you, the name Bubba Starling was known only to refer to the southern U.S. cousin to the European Starling. Bubba Starlings are known for their unusually protruding bellies, curious markings resembling overall straps, their drawling mating call and the fact they can be attracted to feeders with chewing tobacco, beer and beef jerky and that race car tracks are their preferred nesting sites.

Oh, no he di'int! Newt divorced Callista & married his lone remaining staffer during Romney's opening statement. Cain nailed the part where candidates had to strip, clean & reassemble an AK-47 while reciting the 10 Commandments. And what a stunner -- Paul won the swimsuit competition, even with his black socks & garters. The sexual tension between Bachmann & T-Paw was so thick you could cut it with knife. And you had to feel bad for Santorum during the "Let's Go Googling" portion of the evening.

Looks like I picked the right week to start pounding my head against the wall until the blood streams down into my eyes.

22 Days and Counting Amazing if True Husker/B1G Trivia: Ndamukong Suh wasn't actually recruited by Nebraska. He was left on the athletic department's doorstep one night in a basket, with a note pinned to his shoulder pads from his parents that said, "We can't afford to feed our baby anymore. Please take good care of him, raise him in the ways of the Cornhusker and, while you're at it, teach him to rip quarterbacks' heads off." And the rest, as they say, is history.

Devastating tornadoes in the Midwest & South. Unprecedented flooding in the Plains. London aflame. Economies in Europe & U.S. collapsing. A pale rider with righteous fury in her heart and crazy in her eyes, goes by the name of name of Bachmann, comes down from the north country promising salvation. Can't anybody else see what's happening here? We had it all wrong. The Rapture DID happen May 12; it's just that none of us were worthy to be saved. These are the end times, folks. Strap yourself in.

Sometimes I feel like maybe it's time I start giving back to the community, but I'm just not sure I'm done taking yet.

23 Days & Counting Amazing if True Husker/B1G Trivia: Big 10 fans, you'll want to welcome the new team's backers properly. Here's a sure-fire barroom-conversation starter when NU's in town: "Man, that Todd Blackledge was a helluva QB, wasn't he? He played a great game against you guys in '82." Make sure you have a cocktail napkin and pen available because Husker Fan is gonna need a visual aid, move back a few feet to avoid the spittle, remove all sharp objects from his reach and enjoy the show.

Man, S&P certainly is getting cocky, aren’t they? They just issued their own top 25 football rankings. The Ohio State got downgraded. And don’t buy the Oklahoma hype, they said: AAA coaching, AA+ talent.

24 Days and Counting Amazing if True Husker/B1G Trivia: As any NU fan can tell you proudly, on game day Memorial Stadium in Lincoln is the 366th largest city in America.

He's a bright guy. And who knows whether anyone else would do any better. But let's face it: When Obama speaks, he ain't exactly E.F. Hutton, is he? And it ain't exactly a bully pulpit, is it? It's a guy standing on a milk crate clearing his throat nervously while chaos roils around him. It's Kevin Bacon in the parade scene in "Animal House." It's James Franco watching the apes run amok (now, THAT'S a fresh pop-culture reference.) If I were Obama's adviser, I'd insist: No more speeches, statements or news conferences for six months. Call it Operation STFU POTUS.

25 Days and Counting Amazing if True Husker/B1G Trivia: After Nebraska dismantled Florida to win the '95 national title, three Gators were unaccounted for. Later that evening Grant Wistrom burped up a running back's fibula.

To celebrate the oncoming football season, how about some snippets of trivia? Let's call this feature 26 Days and Counting Amazing if True Husker/B1G Trivia. For starters, how about this: JoePa finally set up a Twitter account this summer. His first tweet: "You kids get off my lawn!"

My favorite Chinese place already has a sign: "U.S. $$ no good here." To cover my tab, they frog-marched me to a backroom and made me write 2,000 fortunes under the glare of a guy in military garb who made us call him General Tso. The first 100 were pretty good, but they degenerated into series of "that's what she said" and "your mom" jokes and, finally, way more f-bombs than a fortune probably should have. But I discovered, and snuck into a fortune, the ancient secret of what the "goo" in moo goo gai pan is. Eew.

On Monday, after a weekend to reflect, will the first thing out of your elected officials' mouths be the usual talking points, blame for the other side and grist for attack ads? Or will it be an expression of humility, acknowledgement of a need to rethink old positions and an admission that everyone has a hand in this mess? If it's the former, they are unfit to serve and therefore unworthy of your support the next time they ask for it. Repost if you like, but more important, let Washington know it.

The hell with it, I'm tired of playing it safe. Beginning today, I'm following the recommendations of one out of five doctors.

Texas Gov. Rick Perry's Christapalooza appears to have been a success Saturday. Here's what I don't get, though: Perry says God wants him to run for president. Well, OK, though given what's going on in D.C. these days, I'd interpret such instruction as a sign God was screwing me over pretty badly. Be that as it may, if Perry is on such good terms with the Big Guy, why can't he get Him to bring any rain to that poor state of his?

Ate too many cookies at the bloodbank today, so they made me give more blood. Then it happened again. And twice more. Man, what a vicious cycle. Finally offered up a kidney and we called it even. So. very. weak. Maybe another cookie?

It's times like these I'm sure glad I have my guns and religion to cling to.

So, what's all this talk about a grocery store chain downgrading the United States' credit rating? Who cares? Can't the U.S. just get its groceries at another store? What? Oh, the S&P. Never mind. (Sorry, just channeling my inner Emily Litella for a minute there.)

Screw S&P. Big Al's Porn & Pawn Shop says USA's credit is still good there. Obama's gonna take some old fighter jets, a bureau from the Lincoln Bedroom and a couple of tubes of tanning cream he got from Boehner in the debt deal down there this afternoon and see what he can get for 'em.

Dammit, that's it. I'm grabbing my pitchfork and torch and heading to Washington. Who the hell's with me?

I hate to brag, but there are still 139 days ‘til winter and my body already is snowsuit ready.

Nothing says "no one's home here, break on in" quite like that security timer light that comes on at 1 a.m. every day. Not that I'm casing your house or anything.

Husker football fans aren't just drinking the Big 10 Kool-Aid. They're bathing in it, taking it in an IV drip and washing dishes, clothing and cars in it. I've heard a few on local sports-talk radio so hopped up I suspect they're coating their innards in that sweet true believers' joy juice via Kool-Aid colonic. GBR!

Not to be insensitive, but everyone’s wondering: What exactly is the security plan for when the U.S. Postal Service lays off thousands of disgruntled postal clerks all at once?

I'm not sayin' my girls are a little lazy as summer wanes, but that dude with the horse-drawn wagon is out by the curb again chanting "bring out your dead, bring out your dead."

Junior high school, though remembered fondly by no one, had some things right. Like: Workplaces should have weekly quizzes on current events and spelling. Job probation for anyone who fails 1; 3 fails a year, you're fired. Two of the world's greatest burdens are people who don't know what the hell's going on and couldn't spell it if they did. Speaking of jr. high, wedgies & swirlies probably could play a role in controlling certain annoying adult behaviors.

A “Super Congress?” Well, why not? And as long as we're at it, why not a Super President, who would, like Super Congress no doubt will, make the tough, courageous, always right decisions? Perhaps a Yoda-like sage: “A balanced budget approach we must seek.” Or maybe a President’s Council of Morgan Freeman, Harrison Ford and Martin Sheen, all of whom governed so wisely – albeit with the advantage of better writers and crises that lasted no more than two hours.

I hate to brag, but it just occurred to me that I didn't vote for any of these jackwagons, from the prez on down, responsible for the last month of banana-republic governing. So, my hands are clean. But the rest of you certainly $%#&ed this country up, didn't you?

Thomas Jefferson said, “The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants.” Well, maybe. But for chrissake, enough with the manure already.

I moved my dehumidifier onto the deck this morning. I think it’s helping. Yeah, yeah, I know it’s wasteful and bad for Mother Earth, but so what? She’s been a complete bitch to us lately.

This is Shark Week AND National Clown Week. SeaWorld will celebrate by tossing a half-dozen clowns into the shark tank at this afternoon's show. Warning: Those in the front row WILL get wet.

Donuts solve nothing, you know. They just temporarily fill that desperate, needy, self-loathing hole in your soul with sugar, glaze, chocolate icing and cream filling.

Better buy a second dozen.

Wow, we got played, folks. Turns out this fiasco in Washington was just an elaborate flash mob. Bravo, ladies and gentlemen. Bravo.

They say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. But if you hear your cardiologist say that right before you go under, get the hell off that operating table, stat!

When I was a journalist, it was an honorable profession. None of this despicable hacking into people's phones. Just going through strangers' trash and peeping in the occasional window.

Debt-ceiling deal still not 100% certain. Wavering on whether to schedule vacation day Tuesday for looting.

Saw a kid --17, maybe 30; hell, I can't tell anymore -- nearly run head-on into store-exit door. He looked up from his phone, glared at the door, backed up to size the door up, tiny brain whirring as he mulled another run at it, then sighed indignantly and went around rail to automated door. I watched another minute rooting in vain for him to get hit by a minivan, or at least a shopping cart, in the lot. I'm not proud of that, but I'll bet you would have, too.