Huskers this week are like a kid getting ready for his first day in a bigger, tougher school. Excited, nervous, butterflies in his stomach. His classmates know a little about him; some have heard he's a tough guy, but others suspect he's kind of a tool, not nearly as hot shit as he thinks. He doesn't expect to be the smartest or best looking at the new school, at least not on the first day, but let’s hope he doesn't make a complete ass of himself by, say, tripping in the cafeteria and sending his food every whichaway, dropping his books in the hallway, or accidentally going into the wrong restroom.

GBR!

OK, kids, time for the key words and phrases from this week’s current events quiz: Andy Rooney, Doritos, Kindle Fire, Saudi women voters, tainted cantaloupe, exploding toilets and the Red Sox suck rancid chow-dah. You know how to play our game: Work them all into a single sentence in casual conversation before week’s end. And ... go!

I love me some bad local ad copy, like the radio promo for a local charity's door-to-door fund drive, which says: "Over 1700 volunteers will knock on your door." Really? I dunno, man -- at about No. 10, I'm probably emptying either my bank account or my shotgun on the porch.

Congratulations to a former Husker who, even if he does nothing else in his baseball career, is assured of forever being known in Red Sox Nation as "Dan F---ing Johnson."

Until this week, the phrase "rappelling the Washington Monument” was known only as a euphemism for a certain intricate sex act by a D.C. hooker that'll cost you $50 extra.

This is nice: Andy Rooney's gonna donate his eyebrows to the Newseum.

Zuckerberg's playing hardball now. Subscribers who've tried to quit have found a huge Facebook logo in flames on their front lawn.

Breaking news: Ted Williams's head just escaped from the deep freezer and is headed to New York to kick Jose Reyes's ass.

Congratulations to a former Husker who, even if he does nothing else in his baseball career, is assured of forever being known in Red Sox Nation as "Dan F---ing Johnson."

I just checked in at the men's room, second floor, Ag Communications Building, University of Nebraska-Lincoln, Lincoln, Neb. Going No. 1. What? Well, Zuckerberg says he needs to know. I’m sure he has his reasons, and I really think it’s best we do as he says.

Research confirms our lives do in fact pass before us as we die. Well, sorta. It’s actually more specific than you might think. For 85%, the last thought is: Crap, I left the kitchen a mess this morning.

Arch West, the inventor of Doritos, has died. Mourners are invited to take a jar of their favorite salsa or nacho cheese to the viewing to dump in his casket. I making up a batch of seven-layer dip.

I don't care what the experts say. Child-proofing your house only goes so far. We did our best, and our house still ended up infested with ‘em.

Close call in California: Stanford QB Andrew Luck abducted off the street in broad daylight. Just outside Palo Alto, cops rescued him from a ramshackle van leaking oil, rolling on its rims, a KC Chiefs emblem on the side. Team defends itself, calling it "a spontaneous supplemental draft."

Things just got interesting. I changed my Facebook privacy setting to "enemies of friends."

Friends, be careful. There are some serious security and privacy glitches with the new Facebook that are just now coming to light. I caught the damn thing holding a fistful of my credit cards while it was rifling through a drawer of my unmentionables and polishing off a case of my beer. And I'm pretty sure it activated my computer cam and secretly recorded me playing air guitar to a YouTube video of "Freebird," at which time I may or may not have been wearing pants. As if all that weren't bad enough, it asked my teenaged daughter out.

Facebook knows what you're saying about it. Don't make Facebook angry. You wouldn't like Facebook when it's angry.

Somewhere, in that great American Legion Club in the sky, Bob Devaney is watching his two old teams go at it, and he is not amused. "What the hell do you call that thing Wyoming's doin'?" he bellows at one of his buddies. "It's the spread offense, Coach!" "Well, that's the godawfulest thing I ever saw. Christ, somebody get me another drink, I don't know if I can take much more of this."

Don't tell the pope, but a reference to "our fellow parishioner Coach Pelini and his team" made its way into the Rosary prayed before Mass at my church Saturday night. Of course I approve, though I do think we should wait until Bo's won his second national championship before we add his statue, mouth open in mid-scream, to the altar near those of the Virgin Mary and Jesus Christ.

My first novel is gonna be one of those alternative histories, like those written by Harry Turtledove, who imagines how history would have played out if the South won the Civil War or the Germans won WWII. Mine's gonna be even more terrifying -- Bob Devaney choosing to stay at Wyoming and, yes, somehow luring Tom Osborne and some of the best players in the land there, and the Cowboys enjoying five national titles and years of stadium sellouts, while NU flounders for decades in mediocrity and ultimately winds up not in the Big 10, but as one of the weaker sisters in the WAC. Look for it in the Horror section of your bookstore.

NASA's wayward space junk fell harmlessly to earth early this morning, but for one chunk that landed -- you guessed it -- on Dan Beebe's car. Man, what a week!

Amazing if True Game Day Husker/B1G Trivia: It ain’t easy recruiting football players to Laramie, so the University of Wyoming got a special dispensation from the NCAA to play two bighorn rams and one buffalo on its offensive line. They are some tough sonsabitches, especially since they haven't eaten for a week. Boys, do NOT let one of those rams get behind you. If you think what Jerod Eddie pulled on Ben Cotton -- almost literally -- in the A&M game last year was a personal foul, you ain't seen nothin' yet. GBR!

After Perry's awful debate showing, God seriously doubted His infallibility. Then He smacked His head and said, "Me-dammit, I know who I was supposed to talk into running -- Christie! Of course! Now, how do I get Perry out? I wonder if he'd buy it if I told him I've decreed it's time for a Mormon to rule, especially -- oh, I got it! -- after four years of a Muslim? Yeah, he'd eat that up. Man, I hate talking to him, though -- especially when he starts throwing that 'eye for an eye' crap in my face to justify his executions."

Contrary to popular opinion, people who wear offensive, vulgar, sexist or racist T-shirts actually perform an important public service. It helps the rest of us identify creeps, douchebags and assholes more quickly.

Amazing if True Game Friday Husker/B1G Trivia: It’s instructive to note that a Tom Osborne relative boarded the HMS Titanic April 10, 1912, but the ship had barely gotten out of port when, citing “just a funny feeling,” she commandeered one of the lifeboats and safely paddled her way back to England, and a Harvey Perlman ancestor, in 79 AD, set out from Pompeii, saying to friends, “I don’t know, man, I just gotta get outta town for awhile. I do NOT like the looks of that mountain.”

Once more, into the GOP breach

Once again, watching the debates so you don't have to. Here's a roundup of my tweets from last night's gathering.

-- You know the rule, all: If you're gonna watch the GOP debate tonight, wait until at least 30 minutes after you eat.

-- Cain's enjoying his usual pre-debate meal: 4 large meat-lovers pizzas, and Newt his, the blood and entrails from 4 live human babies.

-- Bachmann aides fitting her with a shock collar right now -- the minute she starts talking about Gardisil, 250 volts to her neck.

-- Mitt's throwing a tantrum backstage & refusing to go on stage -- his staffer bought the wrong brand of teeth whitening strips.

-- DEA agents outside Gary Johnson's dressing room -- funny smoke & sitar music wafting from within, Ho-Ho wrappers covering hallway

-- Crowd LOVES Paul's health-care plan -- a human equivalent of an elephant graveyard. You aged and sick, you'll know when it's time.

-- Santorum can’t get a break. Chunk of that NASA satellite came thru roof, squashed him flat. Nothing left but a puddle of froth.

-- Mitt's at distinct disadvantage in race. He's typical pol who doesn’t believe half what he sez, amid crazies who are dead serious.

-- Gary Johnson giggles every time someone says “social security.” Just blew Dorito crumbs all over his mic. Oh, Christ, he’s baked!

-- Screw it. Let's dispense with answering questions, and just have candidates hold up word clouds.

-- No, no, no, a thousand times no. I will NOT read Romney's or Perry's books. I prefer nonfiction.

-- Bachmann: Put moat on Mex border filled with sharks & pitbulls, plus dome over entire U.S., tinted so no one will know we're home

-- BTW, why would a man go by the name Mitt? Cuz his real first name is Willard. Yep, Willard Mitt Romney. WTF? Why not go by Will?

-- Perry just personally executed a Texas death row inmate on stage. Gassed, shot AND electrocuted him. Well played, governor!

-- Lots of complaints about Obama "apologizing for America." Perry promises an international "kiss our red, white & blue ass" tour.

-- Perry just stepped over to Bachmann & stuck syringe in her ass. “Heh, I just gave you gay.” Marcus now on stage praying over her.

-- Isn’t it time to dismiss Newt with some lovely parting gifts? Keep Cain, tho. At least he’s funny, sometimes even intentionally.

-- A lotta big, empty bldgs in D.C. if one of these elected. EPA, Labor, Education all outta business. Be some great condo space, tho.

-- For those keeping score, GOP debate crowds so far have cheered for executions & letting sick people die and tonight booed a gay soldier.

-- Fox bills it as most interactive debate ever. I'll say. Audience now lining up to mud-wrestle candidates. Newt's already stripped down

-- Did Perry really just suggest having Newt & Cain mate? I'm tempted to work a Santorum reference in there, but I'm better than that.

All right, Husker fans, remember who we are, what we’re known for, what defines us across this nation – good sportsmanship, wishing our opposition well as they leave the field of play, no matter what. So, let us rise to our feet and put our hands together as Dan Beebe drags himself away, ass kicked, tail between his legs, bloodied and beaten, to his new gig as an assistant AD at some backwater Division III school somewhere.

Iran freed those two American hikers, who now plan visits to North Korean bed and breakfasts and Myanmar wineries, a sailing venture off the coast of Somalia and, oddly, a vacation-ending trip to Norman, Okla., with Dan Beebe.

If this be class warfare, I think we all know who's gonna win -- because, you know, they always do.

Praise be! Barriers falling all over today. Fashion industry ends its own Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy. Straight dudes, rejoice!

New Suskind book claims Obama's economic team is suffering a crisis of confidence. Lord, one would hope so. Otherwise, they're delusional.

I haven't checked yet, but I presume today's Ziggy cartoon shows the lovable loser at the complaint department, saying, "Well, that's just great. Now I'm dead!" What, too soon?

I coulda been a huge star. The scouts all agreed I had all of the intangibles -- but, alas, none of the tangibles.

Women often undress me with their eyes -- but only because my fashion sense is so awful, they want to reclothe me in something that doesn't make them so nauseous. And I'm pretty sure they're changing my hair, too.

It's true, you know. There really are lots of inconsistencies in the Bible. For example: On the one hand, "love thy neighbor," but, on the other, "thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's ass." Well, which is it, Lord?

Perusing the daily roadkill carnage in my neighborhood, I can't help but wonder: Does any squirrel or rabbit ever die peacefully in bed, surrounded by its loved ones?

Amazing if True Husker/B1G Game Day Trivia: The Brothers Pelini figured out why the team looks so sluggish. Remember when NU reported an NCAA violation because some players got too many textbooks under terms of their scholarships? Well, it seems some players didn't turn in those illegal textbooks. That's right, they've been studying too much! Well, Bo confiscated the books and worked those Einsteins extra hard this week to get all that fancy book-learnin' outta their heads. It's all good now.

Amazing if True Husker/B1G Game Friday Trivia: All you whiny, water–huggin’ NU fans who drove TransCanada’s ads off HuskerVision better not bitch when you see what Tom Osborne lined up to replace ‘em – a promotional piece for a North Korean outfit that makes blankets out of puppy and kitten pelts.

Key words and phrases from this week’s current events quiz: Glen Rice, 9/11, NY District 9, Gardasil, Solyndra and Tony Romo sucks. You know the assignment: Please work them all into a single sentence in casual conversation sometime today.

You know how guys are. They all fell for Palin's favorite pickup line: "I can see your johnson from my house."

The traditional phonebook is becoming obsolete, replaced by Web-based directories. But you gotta stack at least three laptops on a chair to get the same lift as you get from one big-city phonebook. Is this really progress?

Breaking news: Michele Bachmann apologizes for making claims that HPV vaccine can cause retardation, blames her occasional mental lapses on fluoride in the water.

What really pisses me off is that Perry once forced Texas kids to be inoculated against the Rockin' Pneumonia and the Boogie Woogie Flu. In his defense, though, he also supported a vigorous vaccination effort against Bieber Fever.

I'm pretty excited about my new holistic diet. Nothin' but donuts.

Statue of Liberty closing for a year of renovation. The environmentally insensitive torch will be replaced by lamp with a CFL bulb, the tablet under her other arm by an iPad, the crown by a sideways ballcap and the robe with Spanx. Gonna install a lip ring and a few tats. And no more gender-centric Lady Liberty. A more androgynous look will make her over into Person Liberty. Finally, the statue, considered a bit American-exceptionalistic for these times, will be rebuilt at 4 feet tall.

Tweet, tweet, I tat I taw our next president

Once again, watching the Republican debate so you don't have to and, despite popular demand, tweeting about it again. Here's a compilation of my comments on Monday night's debate on Twitter, @danmoser1961.

-- Palin watching rivals gather on stage, seething about Bachmann & Perry. "I'm twice as ignorant as those 2. I should be up there."

-- Nice touch: When Perry's on camera, digital counter on his podium will track executions as they occur back home in Texas.

-- Other candidates making bets on when Ron Paul will have a James Stockdale moment: "Who am I? What am I doing here?"

-- That's nice. Candidates stopping by Pawlenty's seat to shake his hand before debate. "Now, who did you say you are?" Perry asked.

-- Who keeps yelling "Freebird" from the audience? Oh, it's Palin. Jesus, she really can't stand not being center of attention.

-- Bachmann stumbled at question about budget. "I was told there would be no math."

-- That's harsh – questioner noted Newt has personally destroyed more heterosexual marriages than have all gay marriages combined.

-- In an apparent slap at Mitt's manhood that left audience gasping, Cain just offered him a veggie lover's pizza.

-- More commotion in audience. What's goin' on? Oh, hell, Palin's crowd-surfing. Man, she really is desperate for attention.

-- Another science gotcha question for Perry; was asked where babies come from. Managed to answer without stork reference or snickering.

-- Romney just called Santorum’s campaign “shovel ready.” Good one, Mitt.

-- For you keeping score at home, GOP debate crowds so far have cheered executions & for letting sick people die. Next debate in Roman Colosseum?

-- Self-immolation by Huntsman in vain attempt to get attention. Perry gets big laugh with joke about Tex-Mormon fusion barbecue.

-- Cain makes tearful plea to tweeters, reporters, bloggers: Please, no more pizza jokes. OK. But here come "Cain ain't able" jibes

-- Ron Paul looks pissed. I think Newt was taunting him off-camera again by whispering Bryan's Cross of Gold speech to him.

-- Debate organizers make note to provide different brand of bottled water next time. Tired of Perry's "I'm Perrier than y'all" joke.

-- Is that who I think it is in crowd on guy's shoulders, lifting shirt? Yep. Just screamed "Hey, check out my wasillas." Security!

This is cool: Tonight's GOP presidential debate will be the first in history conducted under fortune-cookie rules. Candidates must end all answers with the phrase "between the sheets."

"Kate Plus 8" ends tonight, but Gosselinophiles will be happy to know that TLC already plans a sequel series: "8 + Decades of Therapy and Prescription Drugs, Paparazzi Punch-outs, Multiple Marriages and Cocaine and Hooker Binges."

Amazing if True Husker/B1G Game Day Trivia: As part of joining the Big 10, NU had to agree to tone down the arrogance in its fight song. Now it goes: "There may be no place EXACTLY like Nebraska, but there are some places similar enough that the differences are quite negligible and therefore hardly worth making such a big deal about." It goes into quite a bit more detail in subsequent lines; it was written by lawyers, of course. Just be sure to pick up a lyric sheet on your way into the stadium so you don't embarrass yourself, OK?

Tonight, a very special CNN report: Counselors offer advice on how to talk to your children about the coming Rick Perry presidency.

I got me one of them coveted game-day consultant jobs for the Huskers tomorrow. I’m assigned to the South Stadium to relay play calls from fans to offensive coordinator Tim Beck. It’s part of NU's new You Make the Call marketing initiative. I’m pretty pumped – my first time wearing a headset. So, if you’re up there, watch for me and send your calls my way. But, please, no fullback runs; we’re not due for another one of those 'til 2018.

Amazing if True Husker/B1G Game Friday Trivia: Terps' uniform experiment has other schools mulling potential new revenue streams -- corporate sponsorships. NU is in talks with Pioneer Hi-Bred for cleverly designed helmets seeded with the firm's corn. Of course, the Huskers still need to convince NCAA that any pass that lodges in the stalks would count as a completion, which, God knows, the offense could use. And to celebrate TDs, players would pluck an ear of corn from their heads and toss it into the stands.

America may be in decline, as some say, but we still are the undisputed world leader in commemorating the anniversaries of significant historical events. So, suck on that, terrorists.

By now, the path to success with the Republican base is clear: Bachmann gained early by challenging history, Perry has made hay lately by questioning science. So, Romney is headed out today with a new attack line against geography and Huntsman's gonna take on math.

Tweeting the GOP debate

I live-tweeted, from @danmoser1961, the GOP debate from the Ronald Reagan Library. Thought I'd compile them here.

-- Love that grimace Romney gets when he looks around & wonders how the hell he ended up on same stage as these people.

-- I think Brian Williams spoke for Americans of all political beliefs when he asked Newt, "WTF, you're still here?"

-- I think I'm likin' that Perry fella cuz of the way he's droppin' the g's from his gerunds, not like them elites in Warshington.

-- Can't believe Cain went through the whole debate without someone pointing out the pizza sauce on his tie.

-- Eew. Brian Williams just asked Santorum to wipe that frothy liquid off his microphone.

-- Oh, God, Newt just dragged Reagan's corpse out onto the stage and propped it up next to his podium.

-- Really, Romney? A 59-point jobs plan? You couldn’t round it up with one more? Oh, wait, your 60th is: Hire me.

-- Ron Paul just promised to eliminate the presidency if elected. Hmm.

-- That Huntsman seems like a reasonable enough guy. Maybe he ended up in the wrong room..

-- So help me God, if Perry refers to the Reagan “libary” one more time tonight, I’m gonna go Elvis on my TV screen.

-- I thought Romney was gonna get booed outta the building when he said, “Democrats are people, too.”

-- Bachmann doubles down on earlier promise of $2 gas by promising return of penny candy, 5 cent cigars and $1 movie matinees.

-- Her economic program slogan may need work, though: "Elect me, and I'll job America."

-- Gotta say, Perry made helluva entrance, soot on his face, smoke wafting off him as he tossed his fire helmet into adoring crowd