Best Father’s Day gift: Talking greeting card that opens to the voice of Cam's Fizbo the clown (of “Modern Family”) saying “I’m the ass-kicking clown that’ll twist you like a balloon animal.” Used it to awake my 15-year-old at 6:30 a.m. twice already, to hilarious effect (to me at least). Kids learn important lesson: The old man can weaponize the most innocent object to torment them. Hence, no more talking cards.