A few words for the graduates

Disappointed that I have yet to be offered a graduation-speaker's gig this spring, I'm offering up these random thoughts for young people preparing to head out into the world, the poor bastards. Some are inspirational, some spirit-crushing. FYI, I'm available just about every Saturday and Sunday through the end of June and require no honoraria or expenses. It's payment enough to see the faces of young people gazing up at me in hope and optimism, expressions turning to disgust and horror as I am booed off the stage and pelted with mortarboards, tomatoes and student loan documents wrapped around bricks.

Good luck, graduates.

-- Yes, today is the first day of the rest of your life. So is tomorrow, next Tuesday and even July 17, 2017. Or maybe not. There are lots of opportunities for new starts in life but, not to be morbid, no one knows when they'll run out. Hell, you may not make it to the end of this piece. So, go ahead and make that new start today ... OK, make it tomorrow then. But no later. Maybe today you could at least get started by getting your lazy ass off the couch, though.

-- You can't pull yourself up by your bootstraps if you're wearing flip-flops. OK, I see from your blank expressions that you STILL don't grasp the concept of metaphors. Let me put it more directly: Don't wear flip-flops to work, idiot, unless you're a shower room attendant, of course -- which you'd better not be, considering that theatre degree you just received.

-- You'll get little sympathy in life blaming your parents for who you are today. We screwed up, we get it, get over it. Our parents screwed up, too. As will you, if you reproduce. You'll find this hard to believe, but you'll make some of the exact same mistakes. Nobody gets it right, everyone has to overcome a certain amount of dysfunction. Tough shit, gang. It's the circle of life.

-- There's nothing sadder than standing around waiting for your ship to come in, only to realize later you were supposed to catch the bus, or a rickshaw, or maybe even a Segueway. The point being: Don't wait around for something to happen. Get moving -- one way or another.

-- Let's be clear: Life WILL give you lemons. Also, kumquats, rotten tomatoes, rancid meat, overripe bananas, wormy apples and some moldy, unrecognizable stuff from the back of the cosmic fridge. So, some days it's not lemonade you have to make. It's a big, ol' Shit Smoothie. Stick a straw in and suck hard. Don't worry -- that burning feeling in your esophagus fades after the first couple of sips.

-- Strive to be unprejudiced, open-minded and accepting of all, no matter their race, religion, or sexual orientation; which direction they prefer toilet paper to unroll; or whether they dig Keith Olbermann or Glenn Beck. If you fall short – and you will – at least know your own prejudices, for only with such self-awareness can you avoid being a complete ass to your fellow human beings.

-- Your mother worries about you. Would it kill you to call her once in a while?

-- The shortest distance between two points is a straight line, and you may imagine your life from here as a series of such. But no. Life is broken pavement and jagged potholes, dead ends in questionable neighborhoods, hairpin turns on narrow mountain roads, washed-out bridges, unexpected detours. On the other hand, the scenery is terrific, sometimes breathtaking. Enjoy. But buckle up.

-- Question authority -- but not mine, you insolent punk.

-- With apologies to Kipling, if you can keep your head when all your co-workers
around you are losing theirs, you're probably the only one who hasn't seen the memo yet.

-- Never give up on your dreams no matter how far-fetched, for one day, when you least expect it, they might come true. For instance, I still would abandon my current life in a heartbeat – sorry, family -- to be a roadie for Bruce Springsteen. Hell, who am I kidding? There are days I’d chuck it all if a stranger offered me candy to get in his car for a free ride to a fresh start on the coast.

-- Bad news, kids -- you WILL have to use math after you get out of school, after all. However, you won't use phys ed -- at least not until 30 years and pounds from now when you'll desperately take it up again.

-- May the road rise up to meet you, and may it not be because you're falling flat on your face.

-- One day you're stickin' it to The Man and, before you know it, you're the one to whom it is being stuck. "Damn, I'm The Man, The Man I am!," you cry. Or, to put it another way: You're out merrily tilting at windmills and, before long, you've been put in charge of windmill security -- which is just as well because by then your chronic back pain won't allow you to tilt so well anyway.

-- But for her warning that your eyes would get stuck like that, Mom was right in everything she told you. Dads can steer you wrong -- sometimes even deliberately, for kicks, or to build character. But moms? Never. So, once a week, say, "Mom, you were so right about (fill in the blank)." And every other week, actually call her and tell her. (BTW, just because your eyes haven't gotten stuck doesn't mean they won't, so knock it off already; it really pisses mom off.)

-- Thomas Wolfe was wrong – you CAN go home again. However, this might be a good time to mention our new baggage fees – a single overnight bag is free, but every suitcase, box or bag beyond that will cost $1,000 each.

-- How 'bout baseball at-bats as metaphor? Once, everything was nicely teed up for you, you got as many swings as you needed, and people cheered for the measliest, dribbling little contact you made, even if you then scampered toward third base. Well, now it's nasty curveballs, baffling change-ups and high, hard, inside ones that leave you diving for safety and choking on infield dirt.

-- Be kind to your elders in the workplace, for, though we are tired, cranky, slow-moving and forgetful and we bitch too much about how this place sure ain't what it used to be, we're more on top of it than we seem, and you will become us one day, and sooner than you can imagine -- unless, of course, you get pushed down a stairwell because you’re just so damn annoying and insolent.

-- You've no doubt heard that it's not what you know but who you know that determines your career success. Maybe. But if you really want to set yourself apart and get ahead, it's about who you know, what you have photos or video of them doing and with whom they are doing it.

-- Most of you haven't lived long enough, lost enough or been kicked around enough yet to be cynical and jaded. You have to earn that. So, drop the attitude. Be idealistic, starry-eyed and full of hope, dammit.