Freedom's just another word for somethin' left in ooze

As the proud holder of a bachelor's degree in journalism and political science, I cannot help but be a hardcore First Amendment absolutist. It's an occupational hazard. So, yes, I welcomed the Supreme Court's ruling this week that Phred Felps and company are free to spew their bile wherever they wish, even at funerals of soldiers who die in the service of a country way too good for those Topekretins.

Besides, the Supreme Court presumably will be there for me when I and my own cult -- comprising gays, soldiers, atheists, Jews, Muslims and Christians of all denominations -- march outside the Westboro Baptist Church with signs proclaiming "You know, God's really not in the business of hating, though He's considering maybe carving out a few exceptions. On the other hand, Satan's a big fan of your work."

Yeah, I know it's a bit much, but it'll just be one sign, held aloft by about 20 of us.

In any case, I love freedom of speech and the whole Bill of Rights. I put it with the Ten Commandments, 1 Corinthians 13: 1-13 and John "Bluto" Blutarsky's motivational speech in "Animal House" as the most meaningful and inspirational words ever penned.

Still, there's no denying the First Amendment has become the refuge of all manner of idiocy, pointless offensiveness and just plain douchebaggery. If Voltaire had lived to see our age, he no doubt would have amended his famous free-speech defense to something like: "I may not agree with what you say, in fact I really can't believe you're saying something so stupid, but I will defend your right to say it. Not to the death, of course, because how embarrassing would it be to die for some hate-mongering jackwagon's right to say 'God hates fags' or a gangsta rapper's right to threaten to kill his m-f'ing bitches? In fact, not only would I not defend it to the death, but I don't think I'd take a punch, or even a pinch, for it. But go ahead, say it; what do I care if you make a fool of yourself?"

Not very pithy. It's probably just as well Voltaire isn't around anymore.

So, a modest proposal: Perhaps it's time for a Constitutional Convention to tweak the Bill of Rights just a bit. What we need is a series of subamendments. As a working title, let's call them the Yeah, But What the Hell, Dude, Seriously, That's Where You're Going With This? amendments.

Here's how it might work:

Amendment 1: Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

a. Yeah, But What the Hell, Dude, Seriously, That's Where You're Going With This? You think freedom of speech should protect you from being disciplined for bitching about your employer on Facebook? I mean, c'mon, having the "right" to do something doesn't excuse you from the consequences of being an idiot.

b. YBWTHDSTWYGWT? Don't get your panties in a bunch with every mention of God in the public square. At the same time, though, quit insisting Christianity be waved in everyone's faces everywhere. As the book of Matthew tells us: “Be careful not to practice your righteousness in front of others to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven ... When you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by others ... when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father." Capice? (Matthew didn't say that; I did.)

c. YBWTHDSTWYGWT? The right to peaceably assemble is all well and good, but the moment you play the Hitler card, or accuse your government of either socialism or fascism, you probably could use a trip to Libya or Myonmar for a little perspective, or at least a bop on the head with your picket sign.

Amendment 2: A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.

a. YBWTHDSTWYGWT? This is awkward. A clerk actually made a terrible mistake when transcribing James Madison's scrawl, a mistake from which this country has suffered dearly. Madison intended to guarantee the right to "bare arms," as there was great persecution in that time of those who dared go sleeveless. Even Ben Franklin once was nearly lynched when he showed up in a tavern wearing a tank top.

You get the idea. The amendments would still be in full effect. This is merely an attempt to provide a little modern context to account for the general asininity of our time.

Finally, how about naming this Constitutional Convention after the late John Blutarsky, who, you'll recall, went on to be elected to the U.S. Senate, where he was legendary for the Pearl Harbor Day speech he gave every Dec. 7.