A new groundbreaking study by MIT engineers confirms what we've all long suspected: It turns out each year contains an average of 67 Mondays and only 37 Saturdays. Obama, taking a break from offing international slimeballs, has ordered a SEAL mission to the sun to shift it one-decillionth of a millimeter to the left to repair the calendar. Of course the mission carries risks; any more than one-decillionth of a shift, and the sun will explode, instantly ending all life on Earth. Still, I presume you'll agree the risk is worth it. Godspeed, brave men. And hurry, dammit.