Doubting Virginia asks: Is Tebow real?

Dear editor: My friends don’t believe in Tebow. Signed, Virginia.

Virginia, your friends are wrong. They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. They do not believe except what washed-up, envious ex-quarterbacks; Mel Kiper Jr.; ink-stained, obsolete, soon-to-be-on-the-unemployment-line newspaper columnists; and blithering ESPN hacks embittered because they never played the game tell them. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by the NFL draft board, over 105 years of history of the forward pass or their fantasy-football statistics.

Yes, Virginia, there is a Tebow. He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion and, most important of all, Norv Turner and a truly shitty AFC Western Division exist, and you know that they – especially that last one -- abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas, how dreary would be the world if there were no Tebow. It would be as dreary as if there were no Elway, no TJ, no Alzado. Or, more to the point, as dreary as if you still had behind center Orton, or Griese, or Brister, or Frerotte, or Beuerlein, or Kanell, or DeBerg, or Weese, or Hufnagel, or Penrose, or, oh, what a quarterbacking crapfest you have endured, Virginia. Have you considered following lacrosse?

Not believe in Tebow! You might as well not believe in Jesus! (As if there’s a difference!)

No Tebow? Thank God, he lives, and he lives forever. A thousand Super Bowl titles from now, Virginia, nay, ten times ten thousand Super Bowl titles from now, as Denverites take a knee daily in homage as a Muslim bowing to Mecca, he will continue to make glad the heart of Broncodom.

Unless he starts sucking bilge water again, of course. In which case, you’ll have to believe in Brady Quinn. You’re on your own there, Virginia.