Gov. Perry. It's me, God

God -- who, you'll recall, got us into this mess in the first place -- appeared before a Rick Perry campaign meeting last night. He took shape in the cheese pattern on a pepperoni pizza on the table before them, having scolded Jesus and Mary for their overuse of toast and tree bark for their own appearances.

He came upon staffers planning Perry's next Iowa ad, which will brag about how many of the 234 executed under the Texas governor's watch were gay.

Said the Lord: "Governor, contrary to popular opinion, I am not infallible. Sometimes, I get things wrong. Sometimes, I'm ashamed to say, I just like to screw with people. Like Pat Robertson. Sometimes I whisper the goofiest, most godawful -- ha! -- stuff into his ear because he'll run with anything I say. Anything. I am so bad sometimes.

"Anyway, in a passing moment, I may have muttered, 'what this race needs is a nasty, ignorant bigot from Texas so they'll appreciate that Mewt and Nitt aren't so bad after all.'

"But I blew it. And though I know you believe in your heart you're on My side and doing My work, please don't do Me any more favors. So, go ahead and finish this pizza -- wait 'til I get out of it, of course -- and head home.

"For my son, though it pains me to say it, you haven't got a prayer."