A Suhmas Story

No one's mentioned the fine print in Suh's punishment. It seems Roger Goodell also ordered him to make one of those uplifting Lifetime Network Christmas movies that specialize in wretched souls finding redemption amid the joy of the season and a crapload of Toys 'R Us, Lexus and jewelry commercials.

It goes something like this:

On Christmas Eve, Suh sees Santa holding a football, a gift for a child; let’s go ahead and call him Tiny Tim. Suh gets confused, kicks Claus in his, um, ornaments, body slams him down a chimney and picks up the fumble. For good measure, he also punches Rudolph in the face, recalling what another Detroit Lions’ lineman once did to a horse in a certain Mel Brooks movie.

Santa goes on Injured Reserve, and Suh has to take over the job.

With the help of a plucky quarterback played by Colt McCoy and a multi-ethnic, multi-gendered, multi-abled and multi-sexually oriented bunch of elves, he learns the true meaning of Christmas: peace on Earth, goodwill toward all mankind, even QBs, and a Lions’ playoff berth. OK, that last might be a little far-fetched, but ‘tis the season to Believe, after all.

Great music includes “Here Comes Santa Cl --- Oh, F--- No, It’s Suh! Run!;” McCoy's stirring rendition of "I'm Dreaming of a Concussed --Um, Let's See, What ...? Oh, Yeah – Christmas;" “All I Want for Christmas is to Knock Out Someone’s Two Front Teeth;” and "I Saw Ndamukong Stomping Santa Claus."

Have some tissues handy for the dramatic climax, as Suh lifts McCoy up to put the star atop the tree and has one final crisis of spirit and conscience as he contemplates hurling him into the buffet table, but relents when an angel that looks suspiciously like Roger Goodell shows him a vision of his future living on the Island of Misfit Players, trying out, unsuccessfully, for the UFL’s Hartford Colonials and grubbing for work as a sparring partner for Ultimate Fighters.

Not to mention starring in another holiday special, dressed in diaper and sash as the 2012 New Year’s Baby.

As Suh gently lowers a squirming, crying, self-soiled McCoy to the floor, the whole cast gathers to close the show with a heartfelt version of “Suhlent Night.”