Pope Emeritus seems a disappointingly conventional title considering the other options: The Priest Formerly Known as the Pope, Pope Dogg, Pope Diddy, J.R. (Joseph Ratzinger) Popenstuf, etc.

I hope the Vatican gives the Pope a few hours of comp time, maybe let him skip a couple of prayers and cut out early today.

Good Lord, Bob Woodward was threatened by the White House back in the days when it by God meant something. He's really become a whiny baby in his dotage, hasn't he?

Pope leaves behind note: "My beloved people, I was just KIDDING about 'consubstantial.' Good Lord, I'm glad I didn't suggest working in 'impactful,' 'irregardless' or 'YOLO.'"

Sequestration according to Schoolhouse Rock, with a character that looks a little like our old friend Bill, except much seedier:

I'm just sequestration,
Yes, I'm just sequestration,
Here in the capital of a once-great nation.
I’ll cut guns, and I’ll cut butter.
Too bad I won’t cause Congress to shutter.
It’s no way to make decisions so crucial,
But then you’re the ones who elected leaders so douchial.

That smoke reported to be coming out of the Capitol today is NOT a sign Heineman's decided to run for Senate. It's Ernie Chambers going off.

You're all aware IKEA's furniture is made of horsemeat too, right?

Sure hope the Vatican goes for Bravo's pitch for a “Project Conclave” reality show for the big decision. Hats and shoes competition; a “Wow, Now THAT’s Infallible” segment; contest to rewrite all prayers to include word "consubstantial"; and, finally, run the candidates through some theological trivia – “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grade Catholic School Student?”

Pope Benedict wants to alter the pope-selection process a bit -- presumably to whichever cardinal's foot fits into the ruby red shoe.

Take-home lesson from the Oscars: People still respect that "Jaws" music. I want it on an app for my phone to signal the end of lengthy office meetings and appointments.

Chenoweth: "Who are you wearing?" Buffalo Bill: "Well, Kristin, a little bit of Mary, some Lisa, a tad of Sue." -- 1991 called, it wants its Oscars joke back.

I heard an analyst describe a player at the NFL combine as able to reach his full speed in just three seconds. Big deal, so can I.

Oscar night

Assorted FB posts from Oscar night.

-- I believe my outfit for tonight's festivities is on that satisfying razor's edge between making the best-dressed or worst-dressed list.

-- "I hate it when women shave their heads." -- Oscars $#@! My Teenage Daughter Says. (Yes, that's right, on seeing Robin Roberts.)

-- So, what are the side boob regulations tonight? Jack Nicholson needs to know ASAP.

-- Seth Rogen, Seth Green, Seth Meyers, Seth Avett. How hard could this have been?

-- The greatest mystery of Oscar night: how the world's most gifted actors can come across so hideously awkward and uncomfortable in these presenting schticks.

-- Robin Roberts looked terrific on the red carpet. Not a lot of people know this, but she's had cancer.

-- They don't like you, Sally. They really, really don't like you.

-- At this point, I'm just hanging in there for the Dodge Ram "So God Made a Narcissistic, Self-Congratulatory Actor" ad.

-- I don't mind that Affleck, Clooney and Jackman all make me feel like a girly man, but I really resent that Jessica Chastain in "Zero Dark Thirty" did, too.

Every time an American student has a snow day, Indian and Chinese students get one month farther ahead in math, science, hell, even English.

Please don't let them take the snow out of snow days.

CVS Pharmacy plans to open three more stores in Lincoln this year. Then, all will be connected with above-ground walkways, so it will be possible to traverse the entire city via them.

It only took two straight snow days, and speculation yesterday about another storm, to produce a sense of entitlement in my household that another snow day today was only fair. But it's not to be. My high-schooler handled it fine, but the teacher in the house was kinda cranky.

I sure love Charlie Janssen's first campaign video, but the music seems a tad off. Instead of that "Friday Night Lights" pastiche, a little Richard Wagner might have been more fitting.

So, I guess this new snow coming in is Winter Storm R, short for You R So Full of Shit, Weather Service. They're saying 3-6 inches, though if it gets wet-slotted, that could be 36.

Winter-storm drinking game: Take a slug every time a city, school or college official is quoted by the media saying, "We're monitoring the weather forecast and conditions on the ground."

Steel yourselves, Lincolnites, here it comes: Snowmaf---inwithusagain.

Old rockers never die, having escaped, as young rockers, ODs, plane crashes, misadventures with assorted weapons, groupie-spread diseases, nasty encounters with lovers' jealous significant others, choking on their own or someone else’s vomit and so forth. They just fade away on nostalgia-stoking tours of mid-sized cities and state fairs with other has-beens.

To clarify, Lincoln: We are under a Drought Snow Emergency, meaning that people who live at even-numbered addresses must remove snow from their yards and redistribute it on the odd-numbered side of the streets. Thank you for your cooperation.

Please be aware, Lincoln residents, that in addition to a residential parking ban, the streets department has announced an idiot ban.

We were reminded this week that Lincoln in the national weather spotlight is a little like the Huskers in the national football spotlight -- sure to disappoint. In fact, now that I think about it, wasn't "dry slot" the defensive scheme we ran in the Big 10 title game?

Yes, as a matter of fact, I AM suspicious that the LPS superintendent didn’t get his homework done.

Looks like I picked the wrong Lent to give up bitching about snow removal in Lincoln.

You just know there's someone in ABC's marketing department thinking, "If we catch a break and Stephanopoulos gets testicular cancer, we can bury 'The Today Show' forever."

Two wrongs may not make a right, but who's to say eight don't? Or 15, or 50? Stand by, everyone, I'll be reporting back on my results later today. Science, baby.

This day wasn't a total loss after all. Nebraska's state flag just made an appearance on Sheldon Cooper's "Fun with Flags."

Well, Q had better be good, especially since it feels like we've been tracking this thing since, what, July, back when it was lower case d.

Uh-oh. Just realized the pantry is alarmingly low on chocolate-covered items for being snowed in. I shall commence to yoke the shih tzu to the dogsled and head out over the tundra to Trader Joe's.

I'm too sexy for my stocking cap with the ear flaps.

I'm too sexy for my stocking cap with the ear flaps.

Q-ku (winter storm haiku):

Q? 10 in Scrabble,
a 3 in storms. Still, more fun
than Carnival cruise.

"Don't suffer for your art. Make the other poor bastard suffer for your art."-- George Patton, if he'd been an art teacher.

Q-ku (winter storm haiku):

Not a flake in sky,
town shut down. What a bunch of
snowusses we be.

This storm has been so slow to develop, Jim Cantore is reporting live from Lincoln's Embassy Suites breakfast buffet, where he's desperately filling airtime by stacking omelets and stringing sausage links together to explain snowfall projections.

And as they wake up this morning, university officials and school superintendents look to the sky and do a desperate snow dance.

Oops. Guess I should have looked outside before I rousted my daughter to go out and shovel. Oh, well, a little preventive scooping can't hurt, given the Q-tastrophe to come.

Well, this is awkward. Turns out weather service made a mistake -- misplaced a decimal point, spilled Pepsi on a control panel, thought they were looking at weather maps but actually were playing a video game, they're not saying exactly what went wrong. In any case, that's not a winter storm bearing down on us after all. It's a big-ass asteroid. T-Rex extinction size, to be precise. Still, kids, good news: no school tomorrow!

We’re all secretly worried about letting Jim Cantore down again, aren’t we? His last trip to Lincoln, in April, was a bust, though, for the record, that storm DID cancel the Husker spring football game (which according to the Vanderbilt TV News Index that measures American interest in international disasters is comparable in Nebraska to 250,000 Burmese dead in an earthquake). Still, Cantore was heard to exclaim, ‘ere he flew out of sight, "to hell with Lincoln. I’m headed to the south where they do disasters up right.” If this storm doesn’t pan out either, we’ll never get him here again, short of a 50-foot tall Platte River tsunami.

Yes, yes, the headline said "Nine Inches for Lincoln." Ha, ha, we get it. But seriously, at a time like this? With Jim Cantore in town? Like he hasn't already heard every weather penis joke in the book; in fact, probably wrote half of them himself. C'mon, people, we're going national this week. Let's act like we belong there.

Snowticipation -- the act of counting your flakes before they fall.

Well, this is awkward. Turns out weather service made a mistake -- misplaced a decimal point, spilled Pepsi on a control panel, thought they were looking at weather maps but actually were playing a video game, they're not saying exactly what went wrong. In any case, that's not a winter storm bearing down on us after all. It's a big-ass asteroid. T-Rex extinction size, to be precise. Still, kids, good news: no school tomorrow!

Yes, yes, the headline said "Nine Inches for Lincoln." Ha, ha, we get it. But seriously, at a time like this? With Jim Cantore in town? Like he hasn't already heard every weather penis joke in the book; in fact, probably wrote half of them himself. C'mon, people, we're going national this week. Let's act like we belong there.

Whither the wuthering weather? Hither and thither, though it dither.

Since you haven't returned my calls or emails, Jim Cantore, let's meet up while you're in Lincoln this week so I can make my pitch to have the Weather Channel hire me to do location reports from the spots with the most gorgeous weather each week

OK, it's semi-official: Jim Cantore is coming to Lincoln. Now, how about everyone dial it down a notch, act like we've seen snow before and quit canceling Thursday and Friday already. Show some damn dignity and self-respect; some of you are really embarrassing the rest of us.

It’s very disorienting that Nebraska is generating so much news these days – weather, politics, etc. -- and none of it involves football. This must be what it's like to live in Iowa.

Still a day and a half before snow flies and Channel 8's morning weatherman already has gone through a half-dozen underwear changes during today's program.

Still a day and a half before snow flies and Channel 8's morning weatherman already has gone through a half-dozen underwear changes during today's program.

Someone's checking Johanns's cell phone records, right?

Jesus, people, this isn't funny. We could be less than two years away from Gov. Charlie Janssen and U.S. Sen. Jon Bruning or Don Stenberg.

In honor of our retiring public servant, I have petitioned the National Weather Service to name our incoming event Winter Storm Snohanns.

Yoko turned 80 today, and I think it's time at last to forgive her. After all, without her, the Beatles would have experimented, hideously, with reggae, tried to adapt to punk, recorded with Willie and so on.

Dear "Downton Abbey" producers, aka You Bastards: I am disconsolate, outraged and devastated at the latest tragic plot turn on your heretofore excellent program. I do not appreciate having my emotions trampled so blithely. I bet you are hearing from plenty of other fans about your shocking, game-changing finale too (SPOILER ALERT): How dare you make us feel a twinge of respect and admiration for Thomas Barrow. If you do not have him murder Mrs. Patmore in the first episode next season and serve her in a shepherd’s pie to the Dowager Countess, I will cease watching immediately. (Also, as long as I am writing: Any progress on my previous suggestion of giving Carson’s eyebrows a spinoff series?)

Well, if an asteroid IS to hit Earth and wipe out all traces of human existence -- or just mine, for that matter -- at least let it happen by 6:45 a.m. on a Monday.

Zero Dark Thirty today: Navy SEALs board Triumph to capture several dozen passengers who refused to disembark, preferring conditions on board to Alabama.

Go home, Nebraskans who already have scheduled a snow day Thursday. You're drunk.

I'm gonna feel cheated if tonight's "Downton Abbey" season finale isn't a "Who shot O'Brien" cliffhanger.

Sen. Lindsey Graham, R-MiniMcCain, opened a new challenge to Chuck Hagel on "Meet the Press" this morning, demanding he send Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck into space immediately as a precautionary move against future asteroids.

An asteroid came within 17,150 miles of Earth last week -- perilously close, astronomers say, to being hit by a Lincoln driver.

People who believe living well is the best revenge obviously have never known an ex's Facebook password.

You all watchin these interviews with the Triumph passengers? Some of them are so milkin' this thing: I'm pretty sure there were no walkers on that ship and it damn sure wasn't hit by a meteor either.

So, Lincoln's street engineers are just screwing with us at this point, aren't they? They've added something they call a "Michigan Left" turn near the notorious Superior roundabout (http://bit.ly/Z5CO1D). The Michigan Left? Yeah, right. And if this flies, they plan to add nearby a Davenport Dogleg, a Utah Uie, a Fargo Fork in the Road, a Ypsilanti Yield and, most exotic, the rare Pascagoula Pass.

Saturday on a very special episode of “The Love Boat”: Dr. Bricker starts engine room fire with his meth lab, cutting power to the ship. Isaac dispenses free liquor before getting overrun by desperate passengers. Perky Julie soldiers on with passenger activities on the, um, poop deck. Shelly Winters and Dom DeLuise caught hoarding food. Gopher draws short straw among crew in case food shortage gets really desperate. And despite it all, Loni Anderson and Erik Estrada fall in love as they gaze into each others’ eyes while sharing a bag for human waste.

On the bright side, I'll bet Rick Sheehy's Valentine's Day expenses are down considerably this year.

Dear Senator Janssen: Are you AWARE the UNITED NATIONS is sending ILLEGALS from Mexico into Fremont as Environmental Inspectors!!!!????? I found one under my BED last NIGHT!!! But He got back to the black AGENDA 21 Helicopter before I could plug his ass. Its an outRAGE!!! – Sincerely, A VERY Concerned C̶o̶n̶n̶s̶i̶s̶h̶u̶e̶n̶t̶ ̶ K̶o̶n̶s̶t̶i̶t̶h̶u̶e̶n̶t̶ ̶ Persson.

Dear Senators Kintner and Janssen: Can I protect my property from Agenda 21 if I put a tin foil fence around it? How tall would it have to be – 8 feet, 20, 100? Please advise ASAP as my uncle has a tin foil guy and he sez he can get me a real good deal. I might could get you some too if you want.

So apparently Carnival Cruise Lines is ditching "Lust for Life" in its TV ads, replacing it with another Iggy Pop song, "No Fun." (Thank you, thank you, I'm here all week.)

We Catholics have given up the Pope for Lent, so we're covered, right, my Lord?

A Lenten reminder for fellow Catholics: The key to successful Confession is good sinergy.

And with that, Heineman and Heidemann retire to enjoy a nice, cold Heineken.

So, I guess the rule is "i before e except after c or unless you're governor or lieutenant governor of Nebraska."

Power went out during the State of the Union for 30 minutes tonight and in their terror and confusion in the dark, Congress and Obama inadvertently achieved immigration, tax and debt reform.

Oh yeah? Well, I hear your mom is still delivering on Saturdays! (Waiting for chance to work this line into conversation today; no one's given me an opening yet)

Exciting week, sports fans. Pitchers, catchers and steroid suppliers report to camp.

Ted Nugent is being a bit of a diva about his State of the Union attendance tonight. In addition to sign-language interpreter, White House now has to find a headset and someone who can translate the speech into one-syllable words and set it to the melody of “Wang Dang Sweet Poontang.” The Nuge also demands they work in some cool gun sound effects.

Sure hope everyone in Congress got the no-boobs-or-butts memo for tonight's State of the Union.

Predicting tonight's biggest applause line: Obama points to the gallery and says, "America has a deal for you, Mr. Nugent. You can have any weapons you want -- bazookas, howitzers, tanks, anything -- if you promise to never take up a guitar or mic again."

Obama tonight expected to urge Senate to be "fair but rigorous" in confirmation process for College of Cardinals' nominee for Pope.

White House, worried about cutaway reaction shots of Ted Nugent during tonight's State of the Union, has invited Taylor Swift and given her a copy of the speech so she can sing along.

Celebrating New York's Fashion Week per usual: Taking extra care to make sure my socks match, my zipper's up and the toothpaste drool wiped off my shirt.

My daughter's guidance counselor and a teacher, independently of each other, suggested a career in marketing for her, a nice way, I presume, of acknowledging: The bullshit runs deep in this one.

So, the Pope's job AND Nebraska's lieutenant governorship now are open? And people complain there are no good jobs in this economy.

Even after such a late night, Taylor Swift still managed to look radiant every time the camera was on her at the Pope's address this morning.

I feel the Pope's pain. After a couple of months on Twitter getting to know my fellow humans better, I kinda lost the will to go on too.

"Put more money in my lunch acct ASAP! I want a cookie!" -- $#@! My Teenage Daughter Texts

So, I guess Taylor Swift is to the Grammys telecast what Jack Nicholson used to be to the Oscars telecast.

Uh-oh. Taylor Swift just passed her phone number on to Jack White.

Every time the camera shows Chris Brown or his name is mentioned, an angel gets beaten.

I'm not my old man just yet. Made it through the Grammys without once asking my daughter "is that a man or a woman?" Thank you, Google.

Love ya, Mumfords, but sorry, hearing a banjo, even after all these years, still says forcible sodomy to me. :(

"The Weight," so great, except judging from the expression on Jack White's face, his agent's getting an earful tomorrow for not getting him on stage for it.

Never mind football fans. This is the music industry. The power goes out here and it'd take these people 10 minutes tops to start slaughtering and eating each other.

Expressing solidarity with fashion-oppressed Grammys celebs by showing quite a bit of side boob myself tonight.

So, when you look a waitress at Twin Peaks or Tilted Kilt in the eyes, does she say, "My breasts are down here"?

Nemo must not be that bad yet. I'm not seeing any viral photos of the Statue of Liberty torch deep in snow or sharks trapped in snow drifts.

If called by the governor, I will not answer the phone. If appointed, I will not serve. But if offered the previous lieutenant governor's cell phone with contact list still intact, hmm, well, the job suddenly got more interesting.

Don Stenberg is considering a run for governor. For now, he says, he's "taking time to assess the best way to serve Nebraska." How about getting caught with a coupla thousand illicit calls on his state cell phone?

Everyone's atwitter about hacked Bush family emails that include a couple of partially nude self-portraits painted by Dubya. Big deal, though. Wait 'til Clinton's thousands of drawings of his own johnson become public.

"You mean all these years I've actually been singing that I'm getting PLENTY of satisfaction?" -- a mortified Mick Jagger as Charlie Watts finally explains concept of double negatives to him.

Let me see if I have this straight: The media take down the, I dunno, maybe 500th most powerful person in Nebraska over a coupla thousand phone calls but lets the most important person in the state, get away with some BS explanation for a mysterious bump on his forehead? I don't wanna be a conspiracy theorist -- bump birther? -- but I’ll tell you what I think is going on: The powers-that-be are trying to avoid a panic by hiding the fact that buildings in Lincoln now have begun colliding with runners and pedestrians, and Bo just happened to be the first victim.

Imagine an America where we celebrated the recruitment to our universities of the best math, science or English students. #NationalSigningDay

I, for one, welcome our new overhyped gridiron overlords.

Wait. We still GET mail?! I haven't checked my box in like five years.

Should we be worried that Tre'vell Dixon is a bit of a flake, Husker fans? I mean, players with extraneous apostrophes don't exactly have a great track record lately.

"God said I need somebody who can attempt to convince fickle consumers to seek shallow fulfillment, the illusion of value and worth and a false sense of belonging, community and validation by choosing one overpriced product they probably don't need over another, though the differences between them are so negligible as to be meaningless, by connecting that product to warm, emotional, gauzy sentiments that are utterly irrelevant to the product. So God made an advertising agency." -- Paul Harvey, speaking to American Advertising Association, 1977

Twitter is on to something, as I'm pretty sure virtually any human interaction would be improved if limited to 140 characters.

"Did you get an email about a detention? Funny story, haha." -- $#@! My Teenage Daughter Texts

The Tilted Kilt is planning an offshoot restaurant to appeal to women, with strapping, similarly attired waiters. Gonna call it the Tented Kilt.

This is Sheehy. Call me, maybe?

Hey, I just met you

Yeah, this is Sheehy

Here's my number

So call me, maybe?

It may be

hard to reach me

For a lieutenant govn'r

I'm awfully busy

After midnight's best

You'd be surprised

all the calls I get

So leave a message

I'll call you back maybe.

Say, here’s 2 messages

One’s World-Herald

Other the governor

Oh no. F---. Me. Maybe.

So-called "breastaurant" Twin Peaks is going into Lincoln's historic Haymarket. Into a building called The Tool House. Yes, for real; you couldn't make that up. The Historic Preservation Commission is trying to nip this in the bud, but good news: The restaurant has the full support of the Historic Breastervation Commission.

White House releases clip from new "Die Hard" movie that shows Obama taking out Russian gangster's tank with a bazooka and screaming "yippee-kay-yay motherf---er!"

Kinda surprising for Baltimore, but so far no fatalities reported from Ravens' fans' celebrations overnight, though the numbers haven't been tallied from Ray Lewis's party yet, so we'll see.

I'm down with concerns over the unseemliness of a Twin Peaks restaurant in the Haymarket, but first can we finally do something about the Kum & Go stores please?

Watching Jim and John Harbaugh greet each other at the end of the game, I've never felt more disappointed in my two sons

Yes, yes, I loved the Paul Harvey-Dodge ad too, but you know what's a drag? After she heard a week ago it was going to air, Beyonce abandoned plans to make her halftime show a tribute to farmers. :(

Nodaddy.com

Lights are out and Ray Lewis has a knife! Everyone evacuate!

Dan Marino has knocked up three women in this dark already.

Paul Harvey, big deal. You should hear Rush's soliloquy, "So God Made A Feminazi."

If I'm running an enterprising news outlet in Nebraska, I have reporters staking out cell-phone outlets for the next few days to see which elected officials are suddenly buying personal phones.

"A woman other than his wife" is surely one of the most delightful of quaint, old journalism phrases, isn't it?

Look, we already knew you can't exactly gather a quorum for a Mensa meeting in Nebraska's Statehouse, though the collective IQ in the building does go up significantly when a group of fifth-graders happens to be touring it, but 2,300 calls to four women on a state cellphone ranks as a new standard of stupidity even by the low bar we have set for our elected officials.

White House releases photo of Obama dropping walking dead in Georgetown with perfect head shots from an AR-15.

Hey, are the Harbaughs related?

White House releases photo of Obama shooting rabbits in Lafayette Park with a .22.

Reading the actually quite disappointingly unsordid Sheehy details this morning, I find it hard to entirely blame him. Everyone knows those emergency responder meetings are nothing but a big meat market.

How quintessentially Nebraskan -- low-key, unassuming, kinda banal -- to have a political/sex scandal involving a lieutenant governor.

Ned Ryerson saw his shadow this morning, meaning we all should get our life insurance policies updated in the next six weeks.

Chuck Hagel for lieutenant governor!

"Well, on the bright side, your name recognition just went through the roof." -- Rick Sheehy's political consultants today, probably.

You know what really sucks for Rick Sheehy? His day started with "I Got You Babe" on the radio. Now he's terrified he's gonna relive this day again and again and again.

Andre Cassagnes, 86, inventor of the Etch-a-Sketch, died in Paris this month. Doctors pronounced him dead after they turned him upside down and shook him but he didn't revive.

Jim Nabors' big news this week reminds me that I used to kinda root for Howard Sprague and Floyd to hook up.

Uh-oh. I need to apologize to all of you for clicking on that Southwest Airlines Has Invited You to Try the My Birthday Calendar in Exchange for Two Free Tickets and a Glimpse of Who’s Viewing Your Profile button. You are all well and truly screwed now.

Too bad Roman Hruska isn't still around to defend his fellow Nebraskan with "there are a lot of mediocre service men and women in the military, and they deserve some representation."

Deer-antler spray apparently is a very effective PED, but it does have some notable side effects. Put it this way: 49ers plan to neutralize Ray Lewis tomorrow by shining a pair of headlights onto the field.