What about Bob?

On primary day May 15, I will do my duty as a Republican in Nebraska – following the sacred oath I took years ago when I switched my party affiliation -- by voting against Don Stenberg early and as often as polling workers will let me do so. I imagine I’ll write in Doug Bereuter’s name, or maybe Nobby Tiemann’s, as I can’t abide any of the other candidates either.

I mean, we get it, gang: You’re conservatives. Even Bruning, who apparently had pinko tendencies in college but wisely realized when he began plotting his path to the U.S. Senate -- and beyond? -- that being a liberal was no way to get anywhere in Nebraska politics. But rest assured, Bruning’s political ambitions are such that if he were plying his trade in more liberal environs, he’d be running on a man-furniture marriage plank and comparing welfare recipients to adorable kittens.

Of course, Bruning is in Washington, D.C., this week, providing updates on the Obamacare hearing before the Supreme Court. No doubt we can look forward to plenty of television ads this fall showing our intrepid attorney general standing resolutely on the steps of the Supreme Court, Lady Justice gazing on him beatifically, as he strikes a steely-eyed expression and swears to protect the nation against mandates of all sorts, if you know what I mean. (And if you don't: "mandate,” urbandictionary.com, look it up.)

Meantime, let’s hope the GOP leadership is ready to get over its thoroughly asinine challenge of Bob Kerrey’s bona fides as a Nebraskan. Look, the taint on Kerrey from 12 years in New York is a legitimate issue, but how about a little deftness and humor, rather than legalistic whining?

Three ideas, off the top of my head:

• Have New York style pizza, pastrami and bagels with lox delivered to Kerrey campaign events.

• Counter Kerrey’s quite nicely done “Welcome home, Bob,” ad campaign with some parodies reintroducing him to the finer points of the state: “Yes, welcome home, Bob. It's been awhile. This is a cow. And here, a football. Over there, a pickup truck.” Each ad would end with a ripoff from those Pace salsa ads: “A Nebraska senator from New York City." “New York City!?”

• Remember the old McGruff safe house campaign? How about encouraging voters to put posters in their windows emblazoned with Cosmic Bob’s picture and the message: “This is a Kerrey safe house. Since he doesn’t actually live in Nebraska anymore, we pledge to offer him space in our guest room or on our sofa bed.”

You get the idea.

For the record, if I were still a Democrat, I’d probably write in someone else's name on the primary ballot. Maybe that Chuck Hassebrook guy; he seems like he’d be a good senator, dontcha think?