We have a saying here in the Great Plains, maybe you've heard it: Corn's knee high by the Fourth of July; lilac rules by April Fool's.

Does anyone else wonder whether Kermit the Frog ever saw the irony in whining, "why are there so many songs about rainbows?"

March comes in like May, goes out like June.

Never mind the grace and wisdom to accept the things I cannot change, Lord. Give me more control, dammit.

Um, Amen.

Considering how gaffe-prone Romney has been trying to shake his filthy-rich 1 percenter image, you just watch: He’s probably about to win the MegaMillions, the poor bastard.

Attachnophobia: The idiotic feeling you get in that moment right after you send an e-mail that promises an attachment, but you realize you didn’t attach said file. Followed immediately by the Resend of Shame.

Ah, the college newspaper April Fool’s edition, that annual reminder that satire, like heart surgery, is best left to the professionals.

The throngs are rushing to buy tickets today for Mega Millions, which is, after all, an anagram for "Lo, is a lemming."

Inside this fat body is a skinny man yearning to be set free. Maybe two.

I'll bet there's an alternative universe where bedbugs freak out about being infested by college students.

Got updated to the new e-mail system at work this morning. But I see it still doesn’t have the one feature for which I've lobbied: a setting to automatically set on fire the fingertips of certain, designated colleagues when they start typing a message to me.

Dan Brown, call your agent. Art historians and theologians, still studying da Vinci’s “The Last Supper” for hidden messages, have discovered a heretofore unnoticed detail: A bowl at the corner of the table, full of brightly colored objects. Careful enlargement of the detail reveals the astonishing truth: Yes, they’re marshmallow peeps. This. changes. everything. #AmazingifTrueLentTrivia

BREAKING NEWS: At this hour, postal carriers are rolling into the U.S. Supreme Court chambers barrels of crayon-written letters from children making heart-tugging, yet remarkably constitutionally convincing, arguments for upholding the individual health-insurance mandate. Even Scalia and Thomas have tears in their eyes. An immediate 9-0 vote in favor of Obamacare! And the solicitor general gets the girl, too!

Gingrich campaign is in such deep debt, it's started charging people $50 at campaign events to have their picture taken with him. Oh, and it's $100 not to have your picture taken with him.

What about Bob?

On primary day May 15, I will do my duty as a Republican in Nebraska – following the sacred oath I took years ago when I switched my party affiliation -- by voting against Don Stenberg early and as often as polling workers will let me do so. I imagine I’ll write in Doug Bereuter’s name, or maybe Nobby Tiemann’s, as I can’t abide any of the other candidates either.

I mean, we get it, gang: You’re conservatives. Even Bruning, who apparently had pinko tendencies in college but wisely realized when he began plotting his path to the U.S. Senate -- and beyond? -- that being a liberal was no way to get anywhere in Nebraska politics. But rest assured, Bruning’s political ambitions are such that if he were plying his trade in more liberal environs, he’d be running on a man-furniture marriage plank and comparing welfare recipients to adorable kittens.

Of course, Bruning is in Washington, D.C., this week, providing updates on the Obamacare hearing before the Supreme Court. No doubt we can look forward to plenty of television ads this fall showing our intrepid attorney general standing resolutely on the steps of the Supreme Court, Lady Justice gazing on him beatifically, as he strikes a steely-eyed expression and swears to protect the nation against mandates of all sorts, if you know what I mean. (And if you don't: "mandate,” urbandictionary.com, look it up.)

Meantime, let’s hope the GOP leadership is ready to get over its thoroughly asinine challenge of Bob Kerrey’s bona fides as a Nebraskan. Look, the taint on Kerrey from 12 years in New York is a legitimate issue, but how about a little deftness and humor, rather than legalistic whining?

Three ideas, off the top of my head:

• Have New York style pizza, pastrami and bagels with lox delivered to Kerrey campaign events.

• Counter Kerrey’s quite nicely done “Welcome home, Bob,” ad campaign with some parodies reintroducing him to the finer points of the state: “Yes, welcome home, Bob. It's been awhile. This is a cow. And here, a football. Over there, a pickup truck.” Each ad would end with a ripoff from those Pace salsa ads: “A Nebraska senator from New York City." “New York City!?”

• Remember the old McGruff safe house campaign? How about encouraging voters to put posters in their windows emblazoned with Cosmic Bob’s picture and the message: “This is a Kerrey safe house. Since he doesn’t actually live in Nebraska anymore, we pledge to offer him space in our guest room or on our sofa bed.”

You get the idea.

For the record, if I were still a Democrat, I’d probably write in someone else's name on the primary ballot. Maybe that Chuck Hassebrook guy; he seems like he’d be a good senator, dontcha think?

Reportedly, the justices have quit even paying attention when the solicitor general argues in favor of Obamacare. Time for him to take up bow and arrow and shoot that apple out of Scalia's mouth?

Stand your ground may be the law where you live, but can we all agree on this by now: Sometimes skulking or running away is the better part of valor.

When life gives you a tall, frosted glass of ice and a straw, go find the guy who got lemons.

It turns out that some of those spots where there's only one set of footprints in the sand, I was carrying God. Yeah, He's terrified of crabs. Go figure.

In one for the medical journals, doctors reveal that Cheney ordered them to remove one lung, his spleen, appendix and tonsils and install four backup hearts in those spots. Reportedly, there's even a fifth in an undisclosed location in his body (rumor has it, they took out several feet of intestine to make room; you folks at home, make up your own joke). Now, they'll be able to open Cheney back up and just move around the tubing in the unlikely event he develops a bleeding heart. (Ba-da-bomp.)

Certain Cheney-hating churls are cracking wise or bitter on social media about the former veep getting a heart transplant. What you all don't understand is that while you may carry around an organ-donor card, Cheney has what's called an organ-beneficiary card. It allows him to procure any organ, anytime, from anyone he chooses, living or dead. In fact, in addition to his new heart, Cheney demanded another donor off the street and ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.

Somewhere someone's working up a new Internet meme photoshopping hoodies onto the greatest villains in world history. Hoodie Hitler, anyone? Hoodie Kony?

I'm not sure exactly what political statement I'm making by both wearing a hoodie and carrying around an Etch-a-Sketch, but that's how I'm gonna roll this weekend.

"Ding, dong, Avox calling." Oops, I mean "ngn, nng, ngnnggnn nmgin." #BoomHungerGamesJokes

I caught myself absent-mindedly singing "We Built This City" -- only a minute or so, honest -- and now the damn mockingjays on my deck won't let it go. #BoomHungerGamesJokes

Oh, THIS old thing? Just something Cinna threw together for me. Pretty hot, isn’t it? #BoomHungerGamesJokes

In a dark hotel room somewhere on the campaign trail this afternoon, Mitt Romney, fortified with a half-can of caffeine-free Diet Coke liquid courage, lines up 20 Etch-a-Sketches, takes out the gun he used to hunt varmints with and goes Elvis on every last one of ‘em.

Man, I’m hungry. I really could use a silver parachute floating down with a Snickers bar right about now. Any of my sponsors listening? #BoomHungerGamesJokes

For tributes from the districts, those sumptuous all-you-can-eat buffets in the Capitol are to die for. #BoomHungerGamesJokes

Phew, Friday. Man, it's gonna feel good to shake the Etch-a-Sketch on this week.

In case you're wondering, audiologists do not think it's particularly funny when they're having you repeat words back to them during a hearing test and they say "there" and you say, "wait, was that 't-h-e-y-'-r-e,' 't-h-e-i-r,' or 't-h-e-r-e'"? But then I suppose audiologists have heard it all before. (They don't think that's particularly funny either. You know, I just don't think audiologists have a very good sense of humor.)

Workplace discussions among colleagues of "The Hunger Games" give us the opportunity to use the word "dystopian" to describe something than our workplace.

Yes, of course I've taught my daughters to pierce a man’s heart from 250 yards with a bow and arrow. What father hasn’t? But I prefer they slice him open from stem to stern with a shiv -- the better to see the agony in his eyes as his life drains away and he realizes that getting in their way was the worst, and last, mistake they ever made. #BringOnTheHungerGames

Saw an oddly familiar, disheveled dude in downtown Lincoln yesterday, sitting on the sidewalk, leaning against a building. Other homeless guys gave him a wide berth, said he "smells a little New Yorky." Sure enough, the guy reeked of eau du pastrami, pizza, subway station and garbage-men-are-on-strike curbside. Then I saw his cardboard sign: "RuNNinG 4 SenaTE but no PlAcE to liV. PleZ heLP." Ah, OK. So, I dropped 50 cents into his stocking cap for his Super PAC and moved on, but fer chrissake, this is getting pathetic.

You're all aware, I assume, that Nebraska sports scribes and headline writers already are compiling plays on the new Nebrasketball coach's name: Miles marker, Miles-stone, go the extra Miles, Miles away, Miles High Club, Miles to go before they sleep. Etc.

No, no, scratch the Etch-a-Sketch metaphor. He meant to say Romney's like a Ken doll 'cause they can change his look at will.

Nebraska state senators are considering legislation to regulate what should become of people's Facebook accounts after they die. Not necessary. I've downloaded the FB4ever app. After I'm gone, it will randomly generate baby pictures, penis jokes and other cheap sophomoric ephemera and pseudo-motivational pap into perpetuity. It'll even automatically "like" others' posts here and there; add the occasional "LOL," "OMG," or "bitch please" comment; and eviscerate certain objectionable political and social opinions that I pre-designate. No one will ever know I'm gone. In fact, for all you know, I'm already dead.

I just thought of a really hilarious joke involving white first ladies, black first ladies, the word "slut," Newt Gingrich and a "Raging Bull" reference, but I don't know ... #DeNiro

Over the weekend two men made a spectacle of kissing at a Santorum rally. The crowd responded by chanting "USA, USA!" And today, as Romney toured Google offices in Chicago, he spotted a lava lamp on an employee's desk. “That’s a big lava lamp, congratulations,” he said.

And to think there are people who are tired of the GOP race. Not me, man.

Those perplexed by their dog's checking out a half-dozen or so spots before peeing have never gotten down on all fours and sniffed for themselves. Trust me, when you find the right spot, you just know it.

Newt Gingrich vows as president to bring gas prices down to $2.50 a gallon. The process involves mixing crude with his own noxious output into a blend to be called Ging-gas. Highly combustible, produces a lot of belching noise, the fumes are terrible and it doesn't get you very far.

Man, you have been in New York too long, Bob. Never piss off the secretary of state -- unless you want your name to be on the ballot in an unfortunate “typo” – say, Boob Carry.

"Correct me if I'm wrong" is just rhetorical. So everyone can stop now.

Tim's already been seen practicing Tebowing with clipboard in hand. He'll be fine -- he's just pretending he's holding a stone tablet.

OK, a contest for all of my Nebraska Facebook friends: Let's see who among you can be the first to goad Gov. Dave "Mini-Christie" Heineman into threatening to kick your ass and drive you out of the state. I know several of you are up to it. Admittedly, I have a bit of an advantage since I've done some planning already, so I'll stand down for 24 hours to give you all a chance to catch up.

As any Catholic can tell you, a successful confession is all about having good sinergy.

Nice win for Romney in the Puerto Rico primary. Now, can he make it through the next 24 hours without a comment about how his favorite domestic help always came from there?

Frankly, I don’t care whether the president believes in the same God as I, or believes in Allah, Buddhism’s devas, Hinduism’s Ishvara or, what the hell, the Greek gods and goddesses. I just want a president that believes in SOMETHING so as to acknowledge he (or she) is not the Supreme Being in the universe.

I get the feeling Gov. Heineman hears Clint Eastwood's voice in his head when he talks tough, but I keep hearing Peewee Herman's. In fact, yes: Peewee Dave. That'll do.

Twenty days into Lent, time for halftime adjustments. Considering abandoning chocolate ban, replacing it with two Hail Marys a day. OK, God: three.

A drunken Irishman's blessing: May the road rise up to meet you. Ay, here it comes. Ay, ye fell on your face again, didn't ye?

O'Reilly, a diminutive prisoner suffering from Hansen's disease, picked up an unfortunate name on the cell block: LeperCon.

Embarrassing scene out front this morning. Apparently I was so excited last night by Duke losing, I flipped my own car over and set it on fire

Waiting in line for a new iPad 4G, getting terrible reception of NCAA Tournament games on my piece-of-crap iPad 2. #firstworldproblem

Behind the scenes, Romney's willing to consider Santorum as VP running mate. But Rick's balking at Mitt's insistence he ride in kennel atop campaign bus.

Every time I go to the dentist, the hygienist foists some new sample appliance on me. Most of ‘em I’m game to try, but a uvula squeegee? WTH, doc?

Good thing Nebrasketball always has March off. That way, we can completely wallow in the perennial, critical questions of spring football: Is the head coach pleased with his team’s attitude and motivation, yet is there still a long way to go? Has the often-maligned quarterback matured and do his teammates have his back? Is the team determined to take the next step and complete last season’s unfinished business? Is the new assistant coach intense and demanding but loyal, fair and true? Is line play going to be a key to success this year? Are the new guys stepping up? (If you’re keeping score at home: yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes and yes.) GBR!

Beware of dudes in tunics, especially if they have a hand behind their back.

Of course Mitt Romney's nomination is still inevitable. If you can’t believe the experts who promised us the Hillary Clinton presidency, who can you believe?

80 degrees in mid-March means sorority girls are in bloom already. Bare limbs, booth-tan glows, stocking-hat hair magically replaced by flowing tresses. Watch you don't get downwind of a gaggle of 'em, though -- the perfume will burn your eyes and bring you to your knees.

When the mighty mushroom hunter tells a tale about his latest outing and gets to the part where he reveals the find he harvested, well, that, my friends, is what’s called the morel of the story.

Uh-oh. Tim Tebow just called Peyton Manning a slut. What the hell's up with that?

Well, that's a relief. This new poll that found that about 21 percent of Mississippi Republicans think interracial marriage should be illegal has been misconstrued. Turns out most of the respondents thought the question was about IndyCar and NASCAR fans marrying each other.

New poll finds over half of Mississippi GOP voters think Obama is a Muslim and one-fourth think interracial marriage should be illegal. Also, 75 percent can't spell Mississippi and 47 percent can't spell GOP.

Not only did I never consider home-schooling my kids, but on more than a few occasions I contemplated having them school-homed.

Political analysts marvel that Romney is thumping Santorum among Catholics, but I'm not surprised. Santorum strikes me as one of those church-goers who's always looking around at others in the pews judging their shortcomings and transgressions rather than praying about his own; one who talks a good game on Christianity but gives short shrift to that whole love-one-another part. So, yeah, I know he's a fellow Catholic, but of a sect I like to call Creep Orthodox.

You know those restaurants that offer a stack of pancakes as a side dish? A side dish! Pancakes! I love those places. One suggested tweak, though: Make it a stack of ribs. #AmericaF---Yeah

I dunno. I'm trying to keep an open mind, but the more I watch of this "Kony 2012," I just don't see how I can support him for president.

I don't understand uproar over McDonald's putting anti-foaming agent in McNuggets. I mean, do you WANT those godawful things to foam?

Never mind remedial driving class. Make offenders drive 90 days with a know-it-all 15-year-old girl in the passenger seat, passing expert judgment on their every move.

Come on, ladies. Forgive Limbaugh his ignorance about how birth control pills work. His frame of reference is Viagra, and all he knows is he has to take that before every show so he can be such a big dick for several hours.

A spiritual breakthrough for me this Lent: Finally, after years of hearing other people brag about God talking to them, I'm hearing His voice, too, now. Unfortunately, though, mostly He just tells me awful jokes. Just my luck: I'm in touch with Inappropriate God.

Thanks to an unfortunate typo, confused early Christians once celebrated this time of year by worshipping around their clothes-dryer vents and elaborately decorating their belly buttons. #AmazingifTrueLentTrivia

I've never been to an NRA convention, but I assume the standard greeting between members is "Piece be with you."

I think a good life's goal to strive for is to never be the subject of a news story that includes the phrases "the investigation is continuing" or "alcohol is believed to be a factor."

Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen announced this week they're done acting. I didn't know they'd started.

When I got off that Lincoln bus this morning, I realized why the ride had been so rough: Chuck Hassebrook was caught up in the wheels. #NESen

Saw some UNL sorority girls in bikinis on the roof of their house this morning on my way in -- apparently looking for some instant-tan action from those solar flares. I don't think it works like that, girls, but good luck to you.

For Nebrasketball, it's almost time once again for March Mehness.

How long is it gonna take someone to rework that Hitler video into a rant about Joseph Kony? Memes colliding.

Mitt Romney's advisers are taking him in for some pretty brutal aversion therapy: Every time he makes some rich-guy comment, they cut off a lock of his hair.

I guess all of us will always remember where we were when we heard Peyton Manning was released. Me? I was sitting in my car listening to ESPN radio thinking, "Jesus, I'm sick of hearing about Peyton Manning."

There are about six days a year in Nebraska when the phrase "Nice day, isn't it?" isn't followed by "except for the wind."

My new office is two floors below the men's room. I’m 50 years old. I think you can see where I’m going with this: Just what exactly is the protocol for establishing pee corners?

Well, maybe the Whigs will field a decent candidate this year. #SuperTuesday

What the hell, Oreo. You make that peanut butter-filled monstrosity, but no response yet on my idea to put one cookie wafer between two layers of crème filling? I mean, yeah, I can continue to rebuild 'em that way at home, but still. Well, happy 100th birthday anyway, I guess.

As I used to tell my kids, an "I'm sorry" with a "but" in it is not a real apology. Ditto, so to speak, for an "I'm sorry" that includes a "well, he did it, too." #Rush

Please note: The Rug Doctor is not a real doctor, and if you demand to see his diploma at the rental counter, he gets really steamed. (Thank you, thank you, I'm here all week.)

Is Rush hooked on those painkillers again? His apology seemed pretty oxymoronic.

I see the fit youngsters at my gym proudly strutting around in their spandex and am unimpressed, for no matter what they do, one day, I know, the sleek shall inherit the girth.

15 million people listen to Limbaugh. Fifteen million! Never mind his sponsors, demand a list of his listeners' names. You'll know one, maybe more. Boycott THEM. Bring El Rushbo down one listener at a time.

Two months into the year, and I'm already on my third fad diet. Maybe you've heard of this newest one -- it's the Hunter-Gatherer Plan. You eat only what you can catch and kill yourself. My haul so far: two squirrels and one rabbit that I ran over. Bummed about the one that got away: a plump and meaty but surprisingly agile UPS man.

Today, I'm relieved to report, I'm exactly sexy enough for my shirt. Yesterday was kind of a disaster.

Rush's apology after a couple of advertisers bailed and more threatened to follow, potentially putting a dent in his revenue stream, is akin to a child's apology after being grounded, allowance suspended and extra, punitive chores assigned yet still sensing the shitstorm raining down on him has only just begin. It ain't contrition; it's damage control.

Um, just checking: It's OK to take DOUGHNUTS from strangers, right?

The Nuge just endorsed Romney. Awaiting new campaign song, "Mitt Scratch Fever."

I wonder how many co-ed college rock bands are forming across the nation at this moment named The Snobs & Sluts.

People, people, let's not stoop to Rush's level and get so personal with the criticism. For one thing, contrary to much of the sniping I've seen, I'm quite certain he has plenty of sex, and most of it with his favorite person.

Rush apologized? Wow, what a fluke!

God, these out-of-town hick drivers in Lincoln for state basketball tourney really are a pain in the ass. I got stuck behind one last night that stopped at a red light.

I don't have a problem with Rush Limbaugh being on the air, but perhaps his show should be renamed "The Dick Monologues."

I'm getting a little uncomfortable with all this reproduction talk. If we're gonna keep it up, let's divide into boys and girls; I'd prefer to get what I need to know from my 7th grade phys-ed teacher, Mr. Shaw.

Warning, friends: That "Rush Limbaugh Sex Video" e-mail link now making the rounds is not -- I repeat, NOT! -- a computer virus.

What does Rush Limbaugh know about sex anyway? Four marriages and all he's ever gotten is "Not tonight, honey, I've got a headache."

Headed to lunch with a buddy today. I'm insisting on Vietnamese; he can’t abide it, refuses to eat it. So, you see my quandary: friend or pho?

You know what I wish came around more than once every four years? Stories about how people born on Feb. 29 celebrate their birthdays. Soooo fascinating.

So, control of the U.S. Senate may hinge on the fact that the Oscars were so excruciatingly dull that Bob Kerrey found time during it to revisit with his wife the possibility of running? Wow. More proof that Hollywood really IS dominated by liberals, I guess. Brilliantly played, Tinseltown.