Your move, Charley Thone. #NESEN

Once a SEAL, always a SEAL, apparently. Ask Chuck Hassebrook, now bleeding out from the knife he just took in the back. #NESEN #Kerrey

Other things that make Rick Santorum want to throw up: “Modern Family” and “Glee,” Lady Gaga, arugula, Unitarianism, Arlen Specter, the Kinks’ song “Lola,” pills of any kind, smarty-pants college boys making fun of his sweater vests, devil’s food cake, that massage he got one time from a guy named Raoul (yes, it moved), the Catholic Mass said in English, muslin sheets (it's just confusing), the 19th, 20th and 21st centuries, gladiator movies and Google searches.

Bob Kerrey registered to vote in Douglas County Tuesday. More clues: He was seen trading in that hipster NYC stocking cap he was photographed in recently for a fresh corn head. And several people at the election commissioner’s office said they overheard him singing "And the Band Played Waltzing Matilda" under his breath.

Thunder, lightning, heavy rain, even a tornado. In February? God is not amused, Bob Kerrey. Are you paying attention? If a tsunami takes Kearney out, or a volcano Scottsbluff, that blood's on your hands, sir.

Other things Santorum doesn't believe in the separation of: oil and water, Kevin Bacon's six degrees and fact and fiction.

If I were a candidate, I'd get the Dallas Cowboys' quarterback to record automated campaign phone messages for me. Romocalls.

The ego has landed: Kerrey confirmed to be in Omaha today. Presumably, someone injected one of those GPS bugs under his skin so we can track his every move this week. If the man so much as enters a small-town coffee shop; stands in a field, squinting thoughtfully into the distance; or pops into a podunk airport somewhere, we need to know.

Rick Santorum's new education slogan: "A mind is a terrible thing."

What’s red and caffeine-y and made up of chopped-up flannel, denim, black-plastic eyeglasses, beard hair and Bon Iver CDs?

A hipster in a blender.

In protest against Santorum's assault on a college education as an exercise in snobbery and liberal indoctrination, I call on my fellow university employees and students to dress in solidarity today. First, though, I gotta figure out how to get these latte stains out of my Ché t-shirt.

Remain calm and go about your daily lives, everybody. This is Bob Kerrey, after all. He has until Thursday to file. Hell, by then he might decide to join the circus, become a swami or apply for Nebrasketball coach.

I, for one, welcome our flaky former overlord to the race. #NESEN #kerrey

Washington Post reporting that Kerrey's going to run for U.S. Senate after all. Apparently, he neglected to tell his family earlier that he was planning to spend more time with them. Oops. Awkward.

Assorted tweets from Oscar night

I live-tweeted the Oscars Sunday night. Here's a selection of them.

-- Awkward. Meryl Streep and Sacha Baron Cohen showed up in the same outfit. #oscars #academyawards

--Looking forward to tribute to the stars we lost last year. There's always at least a half-dozen that I thought died 10 years ago #oscars

-- Botox? No. Billy Crystal has a little knob behind ear. When he feels face give a little, he just turns it & tightens it back up. #oscars

-- It was kind of a buzzkill when Santorum walked down the red carpet and shouted, "Hollywood, you're all going to hell!" His sweater vest was stunning, though. #Oscars

--Twitter reports J Lo showed nip. Rewound & rewatched 6 times, I got nothing. But what the hell WAS that in Cameron Diaz's hair? #oscars

-- I can't wait 'til Clint Eastwood comes out and says something that pisses off Karl Rove. #oscars #academyawards

-- I'm having a very difficult, painful conversation with my daughter that no doubt is being repeated between parents and children in homes across this country tonight -- trying to explain how Billy Crystal was once funny. #oscars

-- Terrible accident outside the theater: Angelina Jolie slipped through a sewer grate and was swept away by a rush of water when cast of "Bridesmaids" all happened to flush at the same time. #oscars

-- What?! Whitney Houston died?! #oscars

-- Uh-oh, Meryl Streep forgot to thank her agent and The Academy. Here comes another 30-year dry spell. #oscars

-- I think I speak for an entire horrified nation in saying, please, God, let Angelina Jolie spend some quality bonding time with Melissa McCarthy. And soon.

I’ve only seen two of the nominated movies: the one where the white girl solves racism and the one where Tom Hanks -- having survived the Vietnam War, an encounter with the Black Panthers and the unpredictable vicissitudes of the seafood business; a bacchanal of a bachelor party; being cast away on an island after a plane crash; an aborted trip to the moon; nearly getting destroyed as a toy; and two relationships with crazy Meg Ryan -- has the almost unbelievably bad luck to wind up in the World Trade Center on 9/11.

There's not much point in my doing Oscar picks, considering I just got around last week (no lie) to seeing "Boys Don't Cry," for which I definitely think Hilary Swank should win.

I know shouting "fire" in a crowded theater is verboten. But what about shouting "Breaking Dawn" in a crowded firehouse?

I'll bet if you hire on at the cardboard factory, you can get away with about two thinking-outside-the-box jokes before you get your ass kicked in the parking lot after work.

BREAKING NEWS: UNL cancels opera performance at a Lincoln high school, citing "excessive sexuality and emphasis on alcohol and drinking" there.

No, my career didn’t turn out quite the way I’d hoped. I trace my failure to that fateful day in 1978 when I took a No. 7 pencil with me to take the ACT.

Isn't it time we put our greatest scientific minds to the challenge of inventing a nonflammable Koran?

Some villages have more than one idiot. But enough about Fremont.

Hello, my old friend, tuna noodle casserole. I’ve missed you so.

February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month. But don't worry, guys. Every month is White Men’s History Month.

The Nebraska Legislature is considering changes in term limits. But I'm starting to suspect we have it all wrong in this country. To improve the quality of our government, never mind term limits on lawmakers, governors and the president. Let's impose them on voters instead.

If your young son insists on being referred to by his first, middle and last names at all times, he’s 87% more likely to have the cops one day digging in his crawlspace and backyard for human remains. And if your young daughter insists on being known only by one name, she’s at a similarly high risk of becoming an overhyped and probably underdressed pop diva. I don’t know which is worse, but either way, nip it in the bud now. #StuffTheyDontTellYouInTheParentingManuals.

I can understand why Obama's feeling a little smug these days. After all, one of the GOP frontrunners sounds on the verge of proposing bringing The Crusades back, and the other is losing to him. But I think he might want to reconsider his tentative campaign slogan. "Obama '12: Once you go black, you never go back."

My earlier nightmares of Rick Santorum as a mean Ned Flanders -- "Okeley Dokely, voterinos, stay away from health insurance; it's a form of gambling" -- has yielded to nightmares of him as Church Lady. "Let's see, what could it be that's sending our country to hell. Hmm, could it be, oh I don't know, SATAN!?"

Some still want Chris Christie to enter the GOP race. But once the novelty of some fat asshole from Joisey telling people to shut up wears off, what then?

Anyone know why Rick Santorum has started to work the word “consubstantial” into all his speeches? Seems ominous.

Whatever other evils they may be up to, surely we all can agree the Girl Scouts promote obesity and diabetes, not to mention do great environmental harm by raping the gorgeous mint forests of the Amazon, the shortbread fields of China and the caramel bogs of Florida.

Come to think of it, those Girl Scout sashes ARE a bit butch, aren't they? Not to mention perfect for displaying medals from the Dear Leader for most glorious valor in fight against running dogs of Imperialism. So, maybe that guy's on to something after all.

Republican leaders worried at the prospect of Rick Santorum as their nominee have come up with plan to shut him up. Henceforth, he must keep an aspirin between his lips at all times.

Whole Foods coming to Lincoln? Thank God. It's high time Trader Joe's gets a little competition. Maybe this means I'll finally be able to find a decent dark chocolate-glazed, pine-nut-and-cranberry stuffed mahi-mahi in this hick town. #firstworldproblem

Crossover programming idea: "Criminal Minds" cast on "Cupcake Wars." I'll not go into detail about the ingredients, but count on lots of red food coloring. Oh, and human entrails, too, obviously.

I know two wrongs don't make a right. Nor do six or seven, I suppose, but what the hell, I'm on a roll now.

I ain't much for small talk. If you start up with me, it's likely we'll end up getting into pre-WWI Austrian monetary policy. So, my advice to you: Just walk on by.

I, for one, welcome Obama's phoning theology. Maybe it will make people use better cell-phone etiquette in public. #santorum #EmilyLitellaLives

The Rev. Franklin Graham plays the Obama-is-a-Muslim tune again. An Indiana lawmaker says Girl Scouts promote communism and lesbianism and oppose "American family values." Rick Santorum questions the merit of public schools, criticizes prenatal testing and says Obama's theology is "not based on the Bible." Well, remember, all, the Chinese New Year began a month ago, and it IS after all the Year of the Asshat.

Just so you know, ESPN: If Matsuzaka begins the season in a slump, you cannot use the headline: "Sox Try to Nip Dice K's Woes in the Bud." Also, the caption on a shot of Dirk Nowitzki enjoying a post-game hot dog with the works must in no way, shape or form include the word “kraut.”

Wow, ESPN did it again. Headline from World Track and Field Championship made a "Leap Frog" reference in story on French long-jumper.

Crossover programming idea: "Criminal Minds" cast on "Cupcake Wars." I'll not go into detail about the ingredients, but count on lots of red food coloring. Oh, and human entrails, too, obviously.

Why do I have the feeling ESPN employees are in for a Diversity Day this week? Sure hope it's being led by a guy named Mr. Dago. #TheOffice #Linsanity

That's it, I've had it. Henceforth, I shall communicate only with those who follow AP Style. Yes, this will cut me off from much of human civilization, but perhaps there will be some downsides, too.

The son of a preacher man is a catch, I suppose, but ladies, my advice is to hold out for the son of a plumber man.

I don't believe He's an angry God, but I'll bet He does a lot of heavy sighing.

Isn't it weird when you meet in person for the first time someone who you’ve emailed back and forth for years and they look nothing like their emails read?

By the way, I use that aspirin-between-the-knees trick after 8 p.m. to keep myself from waddling over to the fridge for a snack. #Santorum #FosterFriess

I know it appears I am procrastinating. But no, you got me all wrong. I actually have no intention of EVER doing that job.

Jeremy Lin is smashing Asian-American stereotypes both on the court, where he set a new record for points in first five games, and off, where he was stumped when he tried to calculate his per-game average.

I found a carton of peppermint ice cream left from Christmas buried under some stuff in the garage deep freezer. Moral dilemma: Share it with the family, or sit in the dark garage and eat it all alone?

At least Foster Friess shut up before he got to his theory about if you WANT to get pregnant, it helps to insert a baby aspirin into ... oh, never mind. #Santorum

Went into my daughter's high school the other day. Big sign just inside the door said "Drama." Well, that's truth in labeling, I thought. Then realized it was just marking the theater entrance. Still.

Flipping channels this afternoon and coming across the "Parent Trap" remake, I couldn't help feel grateful for the sake of all humanity that only one Lindsay Lohan is still alive.

I love contemplating those what-if questions that really test the way we think about humanity, morality and the greater good. You know, like: If you could go back in history and kill the child who one day will grow up and invent those tiny children's shopping carts, would you do it?

By the obvious paucity of olives, I can see this is not the Super Supreme pizza I ordered, but a mere Supreme. Bastards! #firstworldproblem

My objection to a tax cut for the “hard-working middle class”: How do you guarantee some lazy middle-classers won’t get it, too? Governor Heineman, your move.

Given the engineering wonders the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue works every year with the body-paint bikini, it seems strange no one’s adopted this technology for business casual yet.

The long-married couple's Valentine's Day dinner was going just fine until she suggested regular date nights might be just the thing to bring some romance and freshness back into their relationship. He enthusiastically endorsed the idea, then listed some of the women he'd like to date.

Mitt Romney’s Maine win is now in doubt, weeks after his Iowa victory was reversed. It's probably not a good time for Ann to tell him he’s not really the father of their sons.

In and out of the restaurant by 6 p.m. on Valentine's Day, and used a coupon, 'cause that's how we old folks roll.

May you find a Valentine whose toothbrush you’re not too grossed out to use in a pinch, because that's practical, but not all the time, because that’s likely to show up one day in the motion for a restraining order.

Here's a depressing thought for Valentine's Day: John Hinckley Jr. is dating. A lot, apparently. Probably more than you. A judge in charge of his case recently expressed concern that Hinckley's romantic relationships with women were "problematic." Yeah, go figure. To be fair, things usually go great right up until he says, "Oh, I'm really going to impress you now, baby."

Too soon?

Sometimes I think it would be romantic to renew our wedding vows. But it seems risky. Do I really want to give her a chance to reconsider at this point?

No surprise, I guess: Romney lost big at the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show caucus tonight. Santorum rolled, as caucus-goers barked their approval for his promise to prevent canine-human marriage.

Nicki Minaj's Catholic-poking Grammys performance “provocative”? Please. Taking shots at the Church is pretty much de rigueur for “serious artists." Hell, even a dumb schmuck with a glass of his own urine and a crucifix can get professional Catholic crank Bill Donohue's Rosary in a wad. Ho-freaking-hum.

You wanna be edgy, Nicki? How about poking fun at Islam?

Yeah, that's what I thought.

My romantic instincts are so keenly honed I walk up to the Valentine card display and in five seconds pick the first card I see for my wife, just knowing it will be perfect, while all these schlubs around me spend 15 minutes poring over them all. I wish I could teach this instinctive gift, guys, but you either have it or you don't. Oh crap, this is a Valentine for Grandma. Well, maybe she won't notice if I ply her with enough wine before I give it to her.

Some women last week trotted out that old saw that the politics of human reproduction would be very different if men could get pregnant. Perhaps. But let's imagine how we men would dress at, say, 8 months along. Got the picture? Deal-breaker, isn’t it? So, yeah, ladies, sorry you got stuck with the uteri, but give it a rest.

Exchange between my mildly, and mostly charmingly, OCD daughter about 9 last night after I hung a couple of dozen of her shirts up in her closet:

"I'm not complaining," she complained, "but did you not notice how I have my closet arranged?"
"Um, no."
"In rainbow pattern?"
"Still, no."
And, with a weight-of-the-world sigh only a 15-year-old girl can manage: "Well, so much for getting to bed early!"

A confession: When they do the obligatory best-dressed, worst-dressed report the day after these big awards shows, I usually guess wrong.

I'm gonna book myself a spring trip to Hidden Valley, Pa., this year in time for the harvest season. Always wanted to see 'em tap those mighty ranch-dressing trees.

I don't care what they say. I've seen enough medical shows to know people are NOT beautiful on the inside. So, we'd best keep it up with the tanning booth, gym and Botox, all.

Obama planning his next round in War On Religion. So, watch out, you smug Unitarians. This shit's about to come down on you.

Husker men fell into last place in Big 10 yesterday. So, despite popular demand, the first, and likely last, edition of Doc-ku (Nebrasketball haiku):

Call it: 2 p.m.,
2/11. Sorry, Doc,
you lost your patient

Way too much conversation about lady parts in the news lately. How ‘bout a little love for prostates, or at least Adam’s apples, for a change?

Some national polls show Santorum gaining rapidly on Romney. See, Warhol was right: In the future, everyone will be the Republican front-runner for 15 minutes.

I’m bored with all this complaining about Doc. Let’s move on, people. Do we have to wait ‘til spring practice to start bitching about Bo?

2 below zero in Lincoln right now. And -- oh man, be careful -- just 3 below in the shade.

My 15-year-old daughter has her first co-ed group of teen friends over tonight -- three boys, three girls. A little nerve-wracking for the old man. But don't worry. I'm playing it cool -- just sittin' in the corner cleanin' my shotgun. Left an old Navy SEAL jacket that I picked up at the military surplus store draped over a chair, too.

In all the commotion over contraception, no one’s noticed another outrage: Obama is requiring the Catholic Church to provide insurance for the debilitating faith-based chronic pain known as Kneeler’s Patella.

"Peace be with you," Obama says to Catholics. "No, seriously. Peace!"

Apparently Obama is about to announce an “accommodation” for Catholic institutions on the health-insurance contraceptive issue. I got a bad feeling that it's going to require women to show their baptism certificates on demand. The long form, no less.

Once staunchly opposed to super PACs, Obama now is embracing one set up for his campaign. His reasoning is unassailable: They work. Yes, this is cynical and hypocritical, but mostly political (hey, I’m channeling Jackie Chiles!) On many issues, Obama’s views have evolved -- even reversed -- from his messianic days as candidate to the grubbier business of governing. So it goes with all presidents. I'd suggest a campaign slogan that acknowledges this while still hearkening back to the happier days of 2008.

"Obama '12: Beliefs we can change in."

I'm kicking around an idea for a novel about a troubled pyromaniac boy who burns down his hometown. Working title: “It Takes a Child to Raze a Village.”

I don't know whether Obama's dispute with the Catholic Church is part of his war on religion or not, but he was overheard asking his defense secretary, "How many divisions does the Pope have?"

I wonder if it's too late to go into plastics.

There's nothing wrong with bedbugs that an adorable Pixar movie couldn't fix. "BITE-E"?

Presidential candidates' religious beliefs and practices are a delicate, potentially explosive matter. Voters worried JFK would be beholden to the Pope; it turns out the most catholic aspect – note the lower-case c -- of his presidency was his enthusiastic and ecumenical embrace of extramarital affairs. McCain accepted support from Pastor Hagee, notorious basher of Catholicism and Islam. Obama worshipped in the church of America-hating Jeremiah Wright, at least when he wasn't bowing toward Mecca or tending to his duties as the Antichrist, of course.

But now, perhaps most critical of all, there's the matter of Mitt Romney’s Mormonism, and the question no journalist is brave enough to ask. So, I will: Sir, exactly what role will the Osmond family play in your Washington if you're elected president? Fairly or not, the answer to this question could be a deal-breaker for some of us.

There, it's out there.

Maybe Nebraska Democrats could convince Clint Eastwood to move here and run for U.S. Senate. He seems to be pretty hot right now. Nah, I guess not. He’s way too left-wing to serve as a Democratic senator from Nebraska.

Newt Gingrich ripped California court's Prop 8 ruling today. No surprise. After all, he’s a traditionalist who believes in destroying heterosexual marriage the old-fashioned way.

With Kerrey's decision, Jon Bruning has a little extra spring in his step today. Almost cocky, it seems -- he already has a new ad out warning gay marriage could lead to raccoons marrying furniture.

For Kerrey, it ultimately came down to a choice between going to Giants' or Huskers' home games for the next few years. Hard to blame him, I guess.

AP is reporting that Bob Kerrey won't be a candidate for the Senate. Nebraska Democrats will go to Plan B -- attempting to talk the ghost of Jim Exon into running.

The big hoo-hah over M.I.A. flipping the bird has overshadowed the fact that Clint Eastwood's fly was down during that whole Chrysler ad.

Not only does Lincoln do a crummy job of plowing, now the city's doing nothing to prevent melting snow from falling on my head from tree branches. Pitchforks and torches, people; to City Hall we storm! #firstworldproblem

That awkward moment when, while watching Sean Hannity interview Ann Coulter on one of the big screens at the fitness center -- sound muted, mind you, but closed captioning on -- you notice everyone looking at you strangely and you realize you just pedaled the recumbent bike 15 feet across the floor.

Dammit. I was too busy keeping a wary lookout for Madonna's nipple and toga-wearing tightrope man’s johnson to notice M.I.A.’s flipped bird.

Mark my words: By November, the No Fun League will be penalizing players for the league's new craze, the ass-first touchdown, which will be known as Bradshawing.

It's Monday, so remember: By all means, go ahead and get your ducks in a row, but understand the monkeys are still gonna throw their feces around.

A Brady hasn't completed that many straight passes to football players since Marcia went through her unfortunate slutty phase at Westdale High.

My wife, two years younger than Madonna, just apologized for not being able to move like her. I had no idea how to respond, so I exercised my right to remain silent, but I think I misplayed it. We might be watching the second half in different rooms.

Peyton Manning just finished watching "The Help" -- loved it, though not as much as the book -- and now is scrolling through Netflix to see what else he wants to see tonight.

Never mind a wardrobe malfunction. With Madonna, the concern is that some piece of the work she's had done could snap free mid-performance and her whole face would come unraveled. A crack team of emergency rhinoplasticians will be standing by in Indy to piece her back together if necessary.

Looking forward to my Super Bowl commercial party. I DVR it and we start a half-hour late, so we can skip the game and just watch ads.

Every year I scour the Internet, newspapers and magazines for sumptuous, creative Super Bowl snack ideas. I don't know why, since every year I end up with a bag of Doritos and that seven-layer Mexican dip balanced on my chest as I sprawl on the couch. OK, you got me -- one-layer dip.

My wife just went out and kicked the hell out of the obscene snow sculpture I erected on our front lawn. Yes, I found the symbolism a tad uncomfortable, too.

What this 'hood needs is a massive, scandalous, obscene snow sculpture, and I think I’m just the guy to do it. Tune in the local news tonight for shocked reactions from the proverbial Concerned Neighbors.

Got about 90 of 140 newspapers delivered this morn before car got stuck. So today, for at least 50 people, print really is dead.

Lord, what a clusterflake.

In hindsight, letting our daughter have three friends in for a sleepover last night may not have been the smartest decision. State law is quite clear on this: If they're stuck here another two hours, we become their legal guardians.

Looks like we could be stuck here for awhile, so I'm gonna go ahead and implement household snow emergency plan. Begin rationing food -- I've stowed four boxes of Thin Mints behind the toilet tank; the rest of the family can split the remaining two. Quarantine the fatter cat in case we run low on protein. And lock down all potentially dangerous items -- liquor, guns and board games.

Watching young reporters from your local TV station cover a big winter storm is like having a puppy in your family room -- lots of yapping, tail chasing, leaping around for no apparent reason and peeing all over the floor. Still, awfully adorable and impossible not to watch.

Well, you know what they say: If you don't like the weather in Nebraska, wait 12 to 36 hours for the sun's uneven heating of the Earth's surface and the planet's rotational pattern to produce changes in air pressure, creating air masses of different temperatures whose fronts, as they meet, result in climatic conditions that perhaps will be more to your liking.

We all know how the old story goes, right? The university has sent in dogs to sniff out the bedbugs, then will have to send in lions to get rid of the dogs, and then ... and so on, and so forth. I'm gonna pull my daughter out of her dorm now, before the halls are overrun with a bunch of rampaging elephants.

Bob Kerrey emerged from his New York City apartment this morning and saw Karl Rove's shadow. So, six more weeks of deciding.

Bo Pelini had a car accident Wednesday night. He's OK, though police did cite him for driving angry.

Poor Newt Gingrich. Everyone else says he's jumped the shark, but he thinks he IS the shark.

Good grief. Of course Mitt Romney was unfairly quoted out of context with his "not concerned about the very poor" comment today. Read the whole passage; there's nothing wrong with what he said. And now I suppose the mainstream media will jump all over Romney again for a comment he made in a speech tonight, even though it's hardly fair to quote him saying, "I would enjoy sucking the marrow from the bones of poor children," when the entire quote was, "I would enjoy sucking the marrow from the bones of poor children if I were a cannibal, which obviously I am not."

Among the recruits Bo Pelini announced today: A couple of really big-ass bedbugs.

Today's the day high school football players emerge from their burrows to reveal whether certain colleges face spring or more winter. #NationalSigningDay

If grown men typically drooled over teenage boys the way they do on this day, the cops sure would be rounding up a lot of pervs. #NationalSigningDay

The campaign now moves on to the next primary, in Nevada, where Newt already is pounding away with a new hard-hitting attack: "Mitt Romney shot a man in Reno, just to convert him to Mormonism when he died." Wow.

Peyton Manning's arch rival and kid brother are playing in the Super Bowl in his town, as he contemplates the possible end of his career. Oh, he’s OK with it, though those going to his game party should be aware they're just gonna watch five hours of Peyton’s TV ads. Anybody changes the channel, he'll use the last bit of strength in his wrecked arm nerves to raise a gun and go Elvis on the TV screen.