The Grinch Who Stole the Fourth of July

Every Who down in Whoville liked the Fourth a lot
But the Grinch who lived just north of Whoville did not!

The Grinch hated the Fourth! The whole Fourth season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.

It could be, perhaps, that his flip-flops were too tight.
It could be his head wasn't screwed on just right.

But the most likely reason, if you ask me
Was that he blew off three fingers and an eye in '03
As Lee Greenwood sang his treacle on the TV

But, whatever the reason, his missing parts or his shoes,
He spent the whole holiday weekend hating the Whos.

Staring down from his campsight with a sour, Grinchy frown
At the red, white and blue below in their town,

For he knew every Who, no matter the weather,
Was busy now stringing M-80s together.

"And they're hanging their bunting," he snarled with a sneer.
"Tomorrow is the Fourth! It's practically here!"

Then he growled, with his Grinch fingers nervously drumming,
"I must find some way to keep the Fourth from coming!

For I know all the Who girls and boys
Will wake bright and early. They'll rush for explosives!

And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
There's one thing I hate! All the NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!

And they'll shriek squeaks and squeals, waving their sparklers.
They'll dance with firecrackers tied onto their heels.
They'll blow their Roman candles. They'll spout their fountains.
They'll blow their rockets. They'll bang their poppers.
They'll spin their spinners. They'll shoot high their parachutes.

Then the Whos, young and old, will sit down to a feast.
And they'll feast! And they'll feast! And they'll FEAST! FEAST! FEAST! FEAST!

They'll feast on chips and hot dogs, burgers and potato salad, watermelon and that cherry cheesecake stuff. Why, oh why, does every potluck have it? For cherry cheesecake is a feast I can't stand in the least!

And then they'll do something I hate most of all!
Every Who down in Whoville, the tall and the small,

They'll stand close together, while my ears are still ringing.
They'll stand hand-in-hand, and those Whos will start singing!"

"God Bless America,
Land that I love.
Stand beside her, and guide her
Thru the night with a light from above.
From the mountains, to the prairies,
To the oceans, white with foam
God bless America, My home sweet home"

And the more the Grinch thought of that patriotic bling,
The more the Grinch thought, "I must stop this thing!"

Why for fifty-three years I've put up with it now!
I must stop the Fourth from coming! But how?"

Then he got an idea! An awful idea!
The Grinch got a wonderful, awful idea!

"I know just what to do!" The Grinch laughed in his throat.
"I'll make a quick Uncle Sam hat and a coat."

And thus attired, he started down
Toward the homes where the Whos lay a-snooze in their town.

He broke into garages, empty bags in hand,
And stole every last firework he could land.

Snakes, firecrackers, candles, lady fingers and rockets,
Even the cute tanks that spout and spin, all went in his pockets.

Then he slunk to the icebox. He took the Whos' feast!
He took the watermelon, potato salad, beer and ground beef

All he left behind was the cherry cheesecake, that gloppy, viscous lump; and atop it he squatted and left a big ol' green Grinch dump.

Interrupted just once, when awoke a boy named Tommy, who asked the Grinch, "what are you, a Muslim or Commie?"

But, you know, that old Grinch was so smart and so slick,
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!

"Why, my sweet little tot," the fake Uncle Sam lied,
"There's a punk in here that won't light on one side.

"So I'm taking it home to my workshop, my dear.
I'll fix it up there, then I'll bring it back here."

And his fib fooled the boy, who wasn't especially bright
So the Grinch gave him half a bottle of Nyquil and bid him good night.

It was quarter of dawn. All the Whos still a-bed,
All the Whos still a-snooze, when he packed up his sled,

"Pooh-pooh to the Whos!" he was grinchily humming.
"They're finding out now that no Fourth is coming!

They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!
Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
Then the Whos down in Whoville will all cry boo-hoo!

That's a noise," grinned the Grinch, "that I simply must hear!"
He paused, and the Grinch put a hand to his ear.

And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.
It started in low, then started to glow.

"And I'm proud to be an American,
where at least I know I'm free.
And I wont forget the men who died,
who gave that right to me.

And I gladly stand up,
next to you and defend her still today.
‘Cause there ain't no doubt I love this land,
God bless the USA"

But this sound wasn't sad!
Why, this sound sounded glad!

Every Who down in Whoville, the tall and the small,
Was singing without any fireworks at all!

He hadn't stopped the Fourth from coming! It came!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!

It came without fireworks! It came without flags!
It came without chest-thumping, xenophobic brags.

He puzzled and puzzled till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before.

Maybe the Fourth, he thought, doesn't come from a store.
Maybe the Fourth means a little bit more!

And what happened then? Well, in Whoville they say
That the Grinch's small heart grew three sizes that day!

Perhaps that is so, he'd say as he fidgets,
Though what he really would have liked was some new digits.

And then the true meaning of the Fourth came through,
And the Grinch found the strength of ten Grinches, plus two!

He descended the mountain, a right happy fella.
Cheerily blowing "Who! Who!" on his vuvuzela.

He brought everything back, all the food, to the lake
Where he, the Grinch himself, carved the cherry cheesecake.

Then he stood before the Whos, tapped a keg, filled his cup
And said, "gather round now, y'all, let's blow some shit up."