Scientists have discovered that the planet shifted slightly off its axis with 2011’s arrival. That explains the die-off of thousands of birds, fish and crabs around the world, as well as the fact that this first week of January lasted, like, 17 days, didn’t it? Even worse, scientists project that the next mass species die-offs are projected to be the world’s cacao trees and hops vines – oh, and that February will last 97 days.