Time to renew that marriage license, guys

Guys, imagine if marriage licenses had to be renewed every five years. You and your wife would report to the Department of Marriage Licenses and you'd be put through a grueling day in the Marriage Simulator, observed in a series of real-life situations the entire time by marriage license examiners.

Your wife will have no problem passing the exam with flying colors, of course. But here's a sampling of the questions and scenarios the simulator will offer up for you:

1. Your wife has dragged you to the store to help her pick out clothing. You're sitting on a chair outside the dressing room and she says to you, from behind the door, "Go get me this dress in the red. You know my size." And you don't. You have no clue. But you know you should know, and you dare not ask. You have to figure it out. What do you do?
A. Guess. I mean, what the hell, how far off could you be?
B. Ask a nearby clerk, "did you see the woman who went into that fitting room? What size would you guess she is?"
C. Find another customer who looks to be about your wife's size and stalk her around the store until you figure out what size she's pulling off the racks, or until store security shows up and Tases you, whichever comes first.
D. Pull out your cell phone and call in a bomb threat to the store.

2. Your wife seems a little down, you ask what's wrong, and she says "nothing." What do you do?
A. Think that's the all-clear sign, say "oh, good, glad to hear it" and rush out to your golf outing before she starts sobbing again.
B. Keep asking over and over again "what's wrong," or "did I do something?" until she gives you an answer that makes some kind of sense, any kind of sense.
C. Understand that some women, unlike men, cannot always provide a bulleted list of what’s troubling them but simply feel an amorphous but overwhelming sadness that shakes them to their core but that is no less real than your grief when the DVR fails to record the overtime period of the game. So, you hold her in your arms quietly and supportively for as long as it takes, even though your bladder is about to burst and the basketball game's about to start, even resisting the temptation to try to turn on the TV with your toe and watch the game on mute over her shaking shoulder.
D. Feign a heart attack to end the standoff.

3. You're in the car together in a strange, large city and it gradually dawns on you that you're lost. You realize that your wife knew it 15 minutes ago, and she is alternately annoyed by and enjoying your growing discomfort. What do you do?
A. Stop at the nearest convenience store, go in and ask for directions.
B. Stop at the nearest convenience store, send your wife in to ask for directions and let her take over the driving. (Might as well ask her to grab a plastic baggy while she's in there, 'cause you're gonna need somewhere to put your testicles.)
C. Feign a heart attack and drive into a light pole. As the EMT tends to your injuries, motion him to lean over and, whispering into his ear, ask him for directions.

4. The house is on fire. Your wife, kids and pets are safely outside along with some household items they’ve managed to rescue. You’re headed toward the door with one last armful of prized possessions and room for only one more item. You stop in the family room and your eyes dart back and forth between the TV remote control and wedding album. What do you do?
A. You grab the photo album. The photos are irreplaceable; they mean everything to your wife.
B. You grab the remote control. Really, when's the last time anyone even looked at the photo album? You use the remote every single day.
C. You succumb to smoke inhalation while you agonize. Your last move, before you lose consciousness forever, is to grab the photo album so at least your grief-stricken widow can comfort herself with the belief that you died trying to save it. That anecdote might even make it into your eulogy.

5. You're on a park bench with your wife on a lovely summer day, and an extremely attractive woman in tight, short shorts walks by. The simulator, it should be said, has extremely sensitive equipment monitoring your neck and eyes to register if you make the slightest movement of either in an effort to catch a little hindsight. What do you do?
A. Stare straight ahead, unblinking, as if your life depends on it, which it might.
B. Turn to your wife – who, as you well know, noticed the woman, too, and is locked in on your reaction -- and say "gosh, you look pretty today."
C. Feign a heart attack and as you roll around on the grass, take a furtive peek in the young woman's direction. But do it quickly, because your wife's furiously glaring face is about to fill your vision and she’s about to tell the EMT – damned if it’s not the same one as in No. 3 – to look away for a moment while she implements her own makeshift Do Not Resuscitate order, kicking you a couple of times in the ribs and tearing out a few fistfuls of grass to shove down your throat. (She seems to be onto this heart-attack shtick, by the way. It may be time to move on to faking strokes, epileptic seizures or, if all else fails, ants in your pants.)

6. This is an easy one. In fact, we'll make it true-false: You have an argument with your wife. You're wrong and should apologize immediately.
A. True
B. True

Well, that's just six of 250 questions on the test. And no, guys, it ain't graded on a curve. Pass, and your marriage license is renewed for another five years. Fail, and you're issued a six-month probationary license. During that period, you’re banned from certain marital benefits. Also, you'll go through six hours of hostile questioning by Oprah in front of a jeering audience of Oprahmaniacs; a 24-hour marathon of chick flicks; and 300 hours of community service to be determined by your wife.

You can retake the test after six months; you don't want to know what happens if you fail it again.