For Husker fans only -- Why the face, Bo?

You know, Ben Cotton should consider himself very lucky. In some primitive cultures -- though presumably not Texas's -- he'd now be considered married to the Aggies' No. 83. (http://bit.ly/8Z2XtH)

Be that as it may, let us pause for a moment to listen to the howls of anguished outrage filling the Nebraska air this morning and channel our inner Johnny Carson for some random observations about Coach Bo Pelini's behavior on national television last night. It might help if you insert this (http://bit.ly/3treLZ) between each paragraph.

• Bo may know football, but judging from some of the suggestions he was making to the game officials last night, he has little understanding of human anatomy.
• In the raving-lunatic department, Bo still isn't half the coach Mark Mangino was.
• Conspiracy theorists convinced Big 12 officials are giving the Huskers the business as they depart the conference will be happy to know that to welcome NU to the Big 10 next year, officials there not only will call no penalties on the Huskers all season, but for every moment during a game that Bo is NOT screaming, they'll award NU 15 yards for good sportsmanship. So we got that goin' for us, which is nice.

• And so opens a meeting of Bo's new 12-step support group: http://www.twitvid.com/RDKNO

• Big 10 officials announced today they will require Pelini to show proof of rabies vaccination before each conference game next year. Also, referee crews will insist Pelini be secured on a choke collar and tie-out not to exceed 12 feet in length.

• I wonder -- at one point during the game do Nebraska's assistant coaches mute their headsets? Or do they ever even turn them on?
• Someone really needs to start soaking Bo's gum in doggy downers before each game.
• LINCOLN, Neb. (AP) Nov. 26, 2010 -- Nebraska Coach Bo Pelini spontaneously combusted on the sideline of NU's game against Colorado today after receiver Niles Paul was called for illegal procedure, holding, pushing off and unsportsmanlike conduct and dropped a pass -- all on one play. Two graduate assistants suffered third-degree burns and had to be euthanized on the sideline, and Assistant Coach Ron Brown, who had fallen to his knees and begun praying in tongues over the pile of Bo's ashes, had to be forcibly removed. Meantime, Pelini's jawbone, the only part still recognizable, went through four more packs of gum and drew three unsportmanlike conduct penalties before game's end.
• Tom Osborne should require Bo to watch game film of himself -- and send him to bed without any dinner the rest of the week.
• C-SPAN is praying that Bo follows a certain predecessor into politics some day. The ratings on his congressional floor speeches would go through the roof.
• The NCAA announced it will consider rating NU's future televised games "For Mature Audiences Only."
• I'm no labor-law expert, but I'm pretty sure NU's sideline could be classified at times as a "hostile work environment."
• Yeah, yeah, Husker fans, we wuz robbed. However, that offensive effort last night was akin to leaving the door wide open, our vacation schedule posted and all our valuables right there in the entryway.