Water restrictions: Laying odds and getting even

The Omaha World-Herald reports some Lincoln homeowners ticketed for outside watering violations Monday "had difficulty distinguishing whether their addresses were odd- or even-numbered.”

Huh?

All right, folks, let’s head back over to Tom Casady’s brown lawn and go over this again, shall we? First, do you know your address? If not, check the note sewn inside your clothing by your loved ones to be consulted in case you're ever found wandering around aimlessly and talking to imaginary friends in the middle of some busy street. Now, remember, it’s the first number, not the last one, in your address that counts, OK? Now, raise your two hands and look at them. Yes, you’ll have to get your thumb out of your ass and finger out of your nose first. 

OK, Pointer, Ring Man and Thumbkin are 1, 3 and 5; those are odd. Tall Man and Pinky are 2 and 4; they’re even. Oops, I’m sorry, I held Tall Man up a little too long for emphasis, didn’t I? Sorry, that wasn’t very nice.

Yes, go ahead and label them with a marker if that helps. Now, look at your other hand. WHAT, you’ve got the finger back in your nose again already?! Oy.

Now, take your street address and subtract from it the combined age of everyone in your household, then divide it by the number of letters in your street’s name and add the number of wins you expect the Huskers to have this season. 

Check that out: The answer is always 114. Cool, huh? How can that be? 

Sorry, digression. Now, grab your hose, but only using Thumbkin and Tall Man, and thrust the nozzle as deep as you can up your ...

Oh, the hell with it. We're just gonna cut off ALL water to you people and let Darwin’s Law run its course.