Through this present communique, I hereby declare my absolute civil rights against any person or persons who would enjoin me against crying or pouting, or from telling me why said admonishment is necessary, or from demanding I be good for goodness’ sake; also against anyone seeing me when I’m sleeping, knowing when I’m awake; from determining whether I’m naughty or nice, bad or good, and thus including me on a completely arbitrary and capricious list, even if said list is checked twice and even if said person is coming to town.

(Facebook recommends copying and pasting the aforementioned notice to your wall to protect yourself against this clearly illegal intrusion into your privacy. Failure to post this notice means you are tacitly allowing yourself to be accused and convicted of naughtiness without constitutional due process including an opportunity to confront and cross-examine your accusers as outlined in the Kringle Convention and North Pole Statute. Henceforth, habeas corpus carpe diem e pluribus Unum pa rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum without the express written consent of Major League Baseball.)