Mine eyes have seen the glory

Wow, that was some terrific, glued-to-the-TV drama, wasn't it? Most thrilling spectacle in a long time.

But in the offices of producers, directors, writers and cable-television network executives everywhere, there's great wailing and gnashing of teeth today over the fact that no one thought of this whole trapped-in-a-mine reality-show concept before real reality served it up.

Of course, they're also sniffing disdainfully at the sheer amateurishness of this production. I mean, can you believe they pulled them all out in less than 24 hours without a hitch? Not even once did that little capsule slip and fall 30 feet, sending screams through the studio audience and sending TV viewers' hearts into their throats -- right before a commercial break, of course. Also, where were the huge, poisonous mine spiders and snakes stalking the trapped miners, or the one sinister miner plotting to kill the rest, one by one?

And what happened to the original plan to pull them out at Christmastime? Damn, that would have been sweet -- family and friends serenading the miners with "Silent Night." Though not as sweet as timing the last miner's ascension for sweeps week. Finally: 33 Chilean miners? Really? Where's the dramatic tension in that? You gotta have some demographic diversity to really move the ratings needle. Hotter and younger; obviously some women, inexplicably stuck down there with nothing but bikinis and lingerie to wear -- less of a miner look, more of an Abercrombie and Fitch look. Dial up that sexual tension half a mile below ground. That's how to get sponsors to buy a piece of this action.

Even the most jaded Hollywoodite, though, has to admit the Yonni Barrios angle was sheer brilliance -- the miner's wife wondering, "say, who's this other woman pining for my husband?" Turns out it's his mistress. ("Oh no, he di'int" cries the studio audience as wife and mistress glare at each other.) Boffo!

Imitation being the sincerest form of flattery, we should assume that dozens of trapped-in-mine ideas were in planning stages by first thing this morning. Maybe the next "Die Hard" movie will be set in a mine. Perhaps a romantic comedy (Hanks and Ryan in "You've Got Shale").

The TV possibilities are limited only by the cable-networks' good sense, taste and restraint -- which is to say unlimited. "Survivor" and MTV's "Real World" are obvious. Send Martha Stewart down to offer tips on how to decorate should you ever be stuck underground for a couple of months ("Rocks can be stacked for an exquisite autumn centerpiece.") A very special "Iron Chef" (special theme ingredient: copper)

Finally -- and I hate to go there, except that I want credit when it happens -- a mine-based version of "The Biggest Loser," in which the winner would be the first person to lose enough weight to slip out through that 28-inch hole. And the ones left behind? They'll be the subjects when we send Clint and Stacy down for a special episode of "What Not to Wear" ("That hard hat is doing nothing for your love life, honey.")