Look, Twin Peaks and Tilted Kilt, it cannot be denied that my inner pig enjoys a little cleavage and leg, but what really turns me on in a waitress is a full water glass, being asked no more than once "so, how's everyone doin' here?," ketchup available without asking, not being called "hon" by any waitress under 60 and no smiley faces doodled on the bill (I dock 5 percent off the tip for that last transgression).