When life hands you stale popcorn balls or apples, egg the hell out of life's house.

I think I'm ready for this to be over. I've started arguing with robocallers and, what's worse, losing.

For all of our complaining about the campaign, it is abundantly clear that America has fully achieved the goal set by Jimmy Carter 36 years ago: "a government as good as its people." Or, if you prefer the H.L. Mencken version: "Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want and deserve to get it good and hard."

My review: Second-best movie ever ending in "argo."

"Deb Fischer gives trick-or-treaters fun-size Almond Joys that she bought on clearance last November." -- harsh new Kerrey ad as race gets uglier

Michael Brown offering his wisdom on Hurricane Sandy response is akin to Capt. Edward Smith giving advice on iceberg evasion.

Geez, God, overkill much? I mean, whatever happened to those precision lightning bolts? Hell, we even could have helped Your aim, lured Trump and Coulter to a hilltop just by telling them there was a TV camera there. And, not to be picky, but You missed 'em both. Frankenfail.

Hurricane Sandy tragedy: Two dozen undecided voters lined up for early voting outside polling place in Raleigh drowned from looking up while it rained.

So that photo of the Statue of Liberty washed up against Mt. Rushmore isn't real? Too bad. Bitchin' shot.

I'm not worried about Mitt's disaster-response cred. Hell, look at the campaign he's run.

Who's that annoying, boring old guy who interprets for the hearing for Lydia Calas? She's a star; seems like she could find someone better.

Gallup says it's suspending daily tracking for a second night because of Sandy. Panicky media worries it may have to wait until election night to declare a winner.

New Washington Post poll shows Jim Cantore leading both Romney and Obama.

Bathtub full of water, shower and fan on full blast, model ships and other props gathered. Stand by for some fresh viral Hurricane Sandy photos.

Fischer campaign and other Republicans are discounting the reliability of a new Omaha World-Herald poll showing Kerrey has pulled close. In other words, I guess you could say, they wouldn’t touch that poll with a 10-foot fence.

Watching TV reporters screaming in the rain and wind, I’m thinking that would be one sweet venue for one last presidential debate.

Beaucoup Boku (Coach Pelini's occasional assessments, in haiku form):

Inconsistent? No.
Look it up, all: We've been ranked
-- well, or rank -- all year.

"Not only did Deb Fischer pick on the elderly, but she also was known in the area for taking candy -- and sometimes noses -- from babies." -- Kerrey, turning up the heat in another soon-to-air ad.

I don't know what you all are complaining about. I'm enjoying the Steelers' Killer Bees skit.

As Frankenstorm bears down, residents of Eastern battleground states Virginia, North Carolina and Pennsylvania are being urged to check on the welfare of undecided voters in their neighborhoods, amid reports some have begun evacuating TOWARD lowland coastal areas.

If you don't like the weather in Nebraska, wait 10 minutes, then get down on your knees and thank God we don't get hurricanes mixed with our winter storms.

The latest Beaucoup Boku (Coach Pelini's occasional assessments, in haiku form) 

Pins in Denard doll.
Don't judge me. Whatever works:
Blackshirts and black arts.

"… Deb Fischer took her elderly neighbor a chocolate pie, asking, 'now, you haven't read "The Help," right?'" -- from another devastating, soon-to-air Kerrey ad.

Beaucoup Boku (Coach Pelini's occasional assessment, in haiku form):

Most important game
of my career? Again? Give
me a f---in' break

Scary scene at Yager Stadium during Miami (Ohio) football game today. Bunch of undecided Ohio voters got trapped in the men's room. Lots of panic 'til EMTs arrived and yelled to the pile of men trapped and huddled against the doors: "PULL, don't push."

“ ... and then Deb Fischer shoved her elderly neighbor into a wood chipper” – from final, devastating Kerrey ad due to run next weekend.

Concept for a new Deb Fischer ad: “Nice little piece of property you have there; be a shame if anything happened to it. Elect me to the Senate, or I might move next door to you.”

As a Christian, I believe I will come to fully understand God’s will and intent in the next life. It is the height of arrogance to imagine I can in this one.

Huskers' wide receivers coach bragged this week about how few dropped passes his players have this season. Crap. Well done, sir. I guess we all can predict the storyline for tomorrow's game now, can't we?

Obama flew home to vote yesterday, taking advantage of Cook County's famous Early Bird Special: Vote by Oct. 30 and you get to vote three more times. And a bonus: Because he brought a canned item for the food bank, his mother gets to vote too.

"So which one's the black dude and which one's the Jehovah's Witness again?" -- one undecided voter to another in line at Ohio polling place during early voting today.

People who don't suffer from an anxiety disorder must not be paying attention.

So, I hear the Huskers are changing their tunnel walk music Saturday to the Keystone Kops theme.

Well, you know what they say: Good hitting beats good pitching every time.

Four of America's leading narcissists -- Trump, Palin, Coulter and Allred -- are all acting out the same week. What the hell's going on? Turns out we have a rare Full Douche Moon. Thank God, it only happens once every 1,200 years.

Introducing the new iPad Mini. It's for those lighter information-flow days, ladies.

Mitzi Washington, Undecided Voter No. 47 from the Hofstra debate, just broke the news to the Obama and Romney campaigns: She never had any intention of voting anyway. You got pwned, guys.

Tweets from presidential debate

 -- I believe I would pay good money to watch a debate moderated by Tim McCarver.

 -- Be careful tonight, my fellow Americans. If you're engaged in some channel hopping, please do not try to play both debate and Tim McCarver drinking games. It's only Monday, for God's sake.

-- I get the feeling Romney has a 5-point plan for going to the bathroom: 1) Unzip. 2) Pull out … well, you get the idea.
 
 -- Of course the audience will be silent. It's after 8 in Boca Raton. They're all asleep.

  -- The Apology Tour was OK, I guess, but the Steel Wheels Tour rocked so much harder.

 --- When a politician says "nothing could be further from the truth," you are very close to the truth indeed.
-- Uncomfortable: Obama just had a drone towed out onto the stage, said “come to papa,” started stroking it and saying, “pretty, so very pretty.”

-- I would welcome a fourth debate devoted entirely to this whole Chinese tire issue.

A spirited debate, to be sure, but this race for condo board president of Del Boca Vista Phase III is still too close to call.

Yes, please, paid mouthpiece/party hack/running mate/candidate's wife, I would love to hear your considered analysis of the debate.

Some people thought Obama was being condescending and snide, but no. He was just repeating what the chairman of the Joint Chiefs has to remind him every briefing: Submarines are ships that go underwater, aircraft carriers are these things that planes land on.

Got a familiar feeling during the debate last night, so I rewatched it this morning, with audio off and music playing. Sure enough: "Dark Side of the Moon." Try it, it's uncanny.

Beaucoup Boku (Coach's occasional assessment in haiku form):

We'll win out, but oy.
Best pack change of underwear,/
maybe a barf bag

OK, Husker fans, is the glass half full or half empty with this team? Actually, neither. They just fumbled the glass onto the ground, so it's empty and shattered. Also, a penalty was called for improper pouring.

Shouldn't someone finally tell those 82 undecided voters still sitting in the Hofstra hall that they're not asking the questions for tonight's debate?

Beaucoup Bo-ku (Coach Pelini's occasional assessments, in haiku form):

Fourth-quarter promise
to God. Now, must break to son
he's gonna be priest

Ah, Huskers. The Cardiac Kids? No, that's not quite right. More like the Cardiac, Stroke, Aneurysm, Indigestion, That Tic is Back in my Left Eye, the Dog and Children Are Cowering Under the Sofa, the Air is Full of F-bombs and I'm Throwing the Remote at the TV Kids.

The Huskers are the Inspector Clouseau of college football. They usually get their man, but only after the most godawful bumbling, pratfalls and slapstick. Which would make Husker followers the Chief Inspector Dreyfus of fandom -- a long-suffering, angst-ridden, twitching mess of tics, whimpering and nervous laughter.

Beaucoup Bo-ku (Coach Pelini's occasional assessments, in haiku form):

Relax. Got lots of
zone read defenses. In fact,
binders full of them.

Mack Brown, clearly addled on the sidelines last week, has been dogged all week by whispers he's lost his grip on the Longhorns' program. Not so, he insisted Friday. "I'm sure Vince Young will rebound Saturday," he said.

I sure enjoyed that bye week. Hate to admit it, but I kinda wish we had another this week. Oh well, GBR, I guess.

So, females who consume too much gluten? Women full of binders.

Well, I guess we can call them the Bronx Bombers again.

All a part of God's plan? Really? I demand to see His planner, please.

Ah, so this is the week when “my, aren’t the fall colors lovely this year” turns to “@#$% these leaves.”

God, I sure wish George Steinbrenner were still alive.

Some fun being poked at Northwestern for plan to have players take mandatory pregame nap Saturday. I love the idea. In fact, I'd like to see the Huskers adopt this in lieu of their mid-game naps.

Typical. Obama administration is blaming that New York Federal Reserve Bank bombing plot on the fact the perp just watched "Die Hard With a Vengeance."

Binder? I hardly know her.

The Omaha World-Herald endorsed the Democrat in the House race today. Man, it didn't take long for Warren Buffett to turn that thing into a pinko commie rag, did it?

No Internet/e-mail for about two hours now at work; no one seems to know why. It feels like we're about 30 minutes away from a complete societal meltdown here. Stay safe, Lincoln, and keep away from East Campus.

Collection of debate tweets

-- Whew. Romney and Obama camps finally agree they'll answer debate followup questions from moderator Candy Crowley, but they can only be in true-false form, and each candidate gets three lifelines.

 -- You're probably wondering how they're luring 80 or so of America's best and brightest undecided voters to the debate tonight. Trails of Skittles, fake lottery tickets and assorted shiny objects leading to the hall from bars, shopping malls and Chuck E. Cheeses.

 -- "I will label China a currency manipulator." Boom, election won!

 -- A 12 million point plan that's gonna create five jobs? Did I hear that right? 

 --  Be sure to watch the debate on MSNBC. Pretty cool technology -- they've hooked up a monitor to Chris Matthews' thigh with real-time onscreen reading to see if Obama gives him that old thrill up his leg.

 -- "I can't find my effing flag pin!" -- Obama, freaking out backstage.

--  If Obama loses tonight, Hillary Clinton already has prepared a statement accepting the blame.

 -- Tonight's drinking game: Drink a shot every time one of these undecided voters asks a question that makes you say, "screw voter ID laws; how 'bout voter IQ laws."

 -- Idea for next town-hall debate: Replace stools with those deep leather chairs that make that hilarious farting sound when candidates struggle out of them.

-- I think Obama almost dropped a "Mitt, you ignorant slut" there.

 -- Idea for next town-hall debate: Replace stools with those deep leather chairs that make that hilarious farting sound when candidates struggle out of them.

 -- I'm not saying this thing is getting a little tedious, but Bush 41 just stepped onto the stage and looked at his watch.

-- Note to both candidates: The white suburban woman voter in my household really hates it when men interrupt. I mean, really a lot.

--  Oh snap. Daniel Day Lewis as Lincoln just took the stage, and he's mopping up the floor with these two! You go, Abe!

-- And with that, 82 undecided voters file out into the Long Island night, agreeing that was the most spirited live stage show of “I Spy” ever.

"Binders Full of Women" was one of the creepiest episodes of "Criminal Minds" ever.

Some fun being poked at Northwestern for plan to have players take mandatory pregame nap Saturday. I love the idea. In fact, I'd like to see the Huskers adopt this in lieu of their mid-game naps.

I’m just devastated that “binders full of women” took off as the meme of the night. I guessed wrong and wrote dozens of hilarious but now completely useless posts and tweets based on “I will label China a currency manipulator.”

Of course I've never sued a neighbor over a dispute. Isn't that what flaming bags of dog shit left on the front porch are for? #NESen

The political cognoscenti like to pay slavish homage to the sainted uncommitted voter, but try being undecided in the order line at Subway and see what it gets you.

So, if good fences make good neighbors, I guess bad fences make desperate politicians, huh? #NESEN

Good news, Democrats. Obama advisers have talked him out of a repeat of last time's pre-debate gathering with his old Choom Gang.

Ryan lied, nothing was fried!

C'mon, Internet. Where's the new meme that shows Hillary Clinton texting other mea culpas from under the wheels of a bus?

People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones -- especially inside.

Town-hall presidential debate Tuesday will feature an audience of undecided voters – presuming they can dress themselves and find their way to the hall, of course.

So, that Hulk Hogan sex tape? I'm assuming fake orgasms, right?

"It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing." -- Shakespeare, on people who argue politics on Facebook

Meantime, in Williamsburg, Va., President Obama, practicing for Tuesday's debate, still cannot, despite hours of repetition, say "malarkey" without losing it.

Of course I remember exactly what I was doing five years ago today when I heard Steve Pederson was fired: Hoping Steve Pederson would get fired.

It's a bye week, so Lincoln radio station KLIN is gonna re-air broadcasts of two Husker wins from the glory years. Great idea. Say, think they'd take requests for other classic wins to re-run instead of the games the rest of this season?

Sorry, guys, it's time to quit kidding ourselves -- using a mobile map app is still asking for directions. Get lost.

"Why, Lord, why couldn't you have taken A-Rod instead?" -- every Yankee fan today

A Husker fan's bye-week haiku:

Man, woman and child,
dancin' in aisles: Mizzou, 'Horns
thumped. We don't play. Yay!

Watching the Sooners and Longhorns play, this Husker fan is feeling a little nostalgic for the Big 12. Somehow, the world just made more sense when we were losing to THESE guys. Good times.

I think Illinois needs to fire Ron Zook again.

"It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing." -- Shakespeare, on people who argue politics on Facebook

Yeah, right, Obama, so much for your hope and change in Washington: October, per usual, will be about bad football, not postseason baseball.

Lots of self-righteous piffle about whether the Huskers' new athletic director, an "outsider," can possibly understand the "Nebraska culture." Yes, the Nebraska culture -- as if we're some mysterious Plains tribe whose ways are too deep and inscrutable to be plumbed by anyone but the most sophisticated anthropologists. As far as I can tell, the most relevant aspect of Nebraska culture at this point is that we really don't like getting our asses kicked on national television. Understand that, Mr. Eichorst, and the rest pretty much will fall into place.

Huskers' new AD Eichorst has his first news conference today. Fans anxiously await his promise to lift football program to mediocrity.

Thank God we're a basketball school now.

An Ode to October in Nebraska


Ah, the familiar sounds of Autumn:

the insistent honk of the geese overhead, hurrying south before the snows fly;

the gentle whisper of leaves as they reluctantly surrender their stubborn grip on branches overhead and fall, twirling and skipping on the breeze, to earth, to softly crackle underfoot;

the crisp, sweet crunch of the bite into an apple, freshly picked;

and the plaintive, echoing cry of the mediocre football team, as if from loons on a lake, "We still control our own destiny, we still control our own destiny, we still control our own destiny."

It does this old newspaper man's heart good to see from the Lincoln Journal-Star's website public comments that there still are people out there who become completely unhinged if their paper is late. #20thCenturyProblems

By the way, the Huskers gave up more than 11 full football fields of yardage in their two losses. That's 3,453 feet. 41,436 inches. Six-tenths of a mile. #TheNUMath

This regression will not stand, man. #huskers

Looks like Urban Meyer made the right move for his health, trading the stress of ESPN for coaching in the Big 10.

Nice touch: To celebrate their first playoff appearance in 15 years, the Orioles will send Earl Weaver out to home plate tonight, have him drop a few f-bombs on the ump and get himself ejected. There won't be a dry eye at Camden.

Say, I wonder if the Huskers' new AD knows that a hell of an old football coach will be out of work and available come Jan. 1.

Beaucoup Bo-ku (Coach Pelini's occasional assessment, in haiku form):

Got new boss this week.
God, sure hope his satellite
TV's out tonight.

With that last OSU score, Huskers running their hurry-up defense -- had to get Buckeye offense off the field quickly so our offense could get the ball back.

So, why that uppity "The" in The Ohio State University? Well, in 1986, university officials decided to re-emphasize it to distinguish it from all the lesser OSUs in the nation, as well as to make it clear that it was the top university in Ohio. I guess you could say that The is an article of faith for Buckeyes. Whatever. GBR, let's kick the ever-lovin' The out of 'em, or at least knock it down to an An.

It's a good thing for an overconfident campaign to get its nose bloodied unexpectedly; it's a clarifying, humbling moment. Or, to put it another way: It's easier to know what time it is after you get your clock cleaned.

I've always been more of a Mr. Snuffleupagus man myself.

"OK, I'm ready to start the debate. Hey, where'd everybody go?" -- Jim Lehrer, 10 minutes ago.

Well, this explains it: Apparently, Obama thought he was supposed to lower expectations DURING the debate.

Strangest thing: David Axelrod's mustache turned pure white overnight.

To make matters even worse, Obama tonight already burned through the one gratuitous dead-grandmother reference candidates are allowed during the campaign.

Quit clinging to my guns and my Bible long enough to give it up for tonight's winner, Romney.

Man, I'm sure glad Jim Lehrer didn't live to see this.

Romney has a bigger flag pin. Someone's getting fired in the Obama campaign before the night's over.

Twitter seems to be overloaded. Lindsay Lohan must have punched someone in the debate hall.

Interesting refinement in tonight's post-debate coverage: At random moments the spin room will actually start spinning, sending reporters and hack pols from both parties tossing and tumbling out of control. Can't wait.

Drinking game for tonight's debate: Begin imbibing 10 minutes before it starts and don't stop 'til Chris Matthews shuts his big fat pundit hole two hours later.

Obama advisers reluctantly agree he can use that Hampton University ethnic down-home accent he uses when he talks to black folk for a couple of answers tonight and his Charlie Sheen impression for another but even at this hour are arguing vehemently against his breaking out his goofy Osama bin Laden voice for his recap of the SEAL attack.

Romney woke up with a huge zit on his nose this morning. Expectations further lowered.

"Gentlemen: What country will your administration attack to ensure a steady supply of bacon?" (If that's not the first question of tomorrow's debate, I'm switching to Honey Boo Boo)

Mitt Romney has been lowering expectations for two years. Brilliant! #debate

Republicans, already looking ahead to the Oct. 11 vice-presidential debate, plan to have Paul Ryan just say "pass" to each question so Joe Biden has more time to speak.

Perhaps it would be best if we all lowered expectations for our performance today. #debate

Romney woke up with a huge zit on his nose this morning. Expectations further lowered.

Maybe it's just me, but there's just something extra beautiful about a crisp, cool autumn morning, leaves crunching underfoot, pumpkin and corn stalk tableaux replacing container plants on porches, when you know that Dallas Cowboy fans everywhere are in full freaking meltdown mode.

Our governor is either too stupid to know one faculty member doesn't speak for an entire university, or he's overdosed on the Viagra he takes for that hard-on he has for health-care reform. (Hint: He ain't stupid.)