New exhibit from Doorly Zoo: 2014 GOP World

Exciting announcement from Omaha’s Henry Doorly Zoo: A new exhibit paying tribute to the 2014 Nebraska Republican primary. Built to scale and cleverly laid out so that you can move only to the right, the exhibit comprises a variety of habitats on 100 acres with plenty of interactive, you-are-there displays:

-- Take the controls of an EP-3 spy plane for a crash landing on China’s Hainan Island.

-- Head down to the Mexican border to stick your toe over the line.

-- Look in on some Washington insiders, behind closed doors, as they wield their awesome influence (Note to those in the front row: You WILL get wet.)

-- Here’s Wrigley Field where one candidate’s family has proven its sterling business and management acumen. Use buttons to choose the kind of ignominious defeat you’d like to witness.

-- Slap on virtual green eyeshade visor as you audit a state agency. Be careful now, there’s math.

-- Have a seat at a meeting of college administrators and faculty. Can it be? Yes, a PowerPoint display of new paradigms in promotion and tenure guidelines.

-- Hang out on the porch of the lake house you own with banking execs – and what’s that racket by the boat house? Why, yes, it’s a bunch of scavenging raccoons.

-- Hunker down as jackbooted federal bureaucrats threaten to regulate you, your family, your business.

-- To the floor of the Nebraska Legislature where you will show your cojones by tangling with a hologramic Ernie Chambers, then wander down the Statehouse halls to the governor’s office, where a set of lifelike gubernatorial cheeks are ripe for kissing.

-- Feel the butch thrill of strapping yourself into a fleece vest and walking into a small-town coffee shop.

-- You’re on a debate stage: See how many times can you praise Reagan and assault Obamacare.

-- Stride purposefully across a farm field, squinting manfully into the distance, then nodding earnestly as you listen to a life-like farmer next to you. Listen carefully, as you can tell by his walk, his seed cap and the cut of his haybales that he is full of common sense.

-- Stand on a stage next to a so-real-you-won’t-believe-it Sarah Palin as she endorses you, going weak-kneed at her heady fragrance of Calvin Klein’s Euphoria, rank political opportunism and demagoguery, snowmobile fuel and moose shit.

-- Finally, the firing range, with a full complement of guns with which to pose. Guard against too much excitement, lest you shoot off prematurely.

Oh, the Places You'd Better Not Go!

Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You're off to Great Places!
You're off and away!

You have brains in your head.
All agree you're a whiz,
though the longer you campaign,
the less obvious it is.

You're on your own and you know what to do.
And YOU'RE the guy who'll decide where to go.
Unless the Navy in your course has a voice,
in which case you'll find you have limited choice.
Though no matter where Uncle Sam sends you hither and yon,
he said nothing about landing your plane at Hainan.

You'll look up and down streets, look 'em over with care.
About some you should say, "I don't choose to go there."
Like K Street, or Florida, or, seriously, a Dakota?
You'll avoid them all, if sense you have one iota.

With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet,
you're too smart to go down any not-so-good street.
Some may come back to haunt you
in a PAC ad or tweet.

And you may not find any
you'll want to go down.
In that case, of course,
you'll head straight out of town.

But why would you do that?
Leave Nebraska behind?
Turn your back on apple pie and mommy?
Are you some kinda Commie?

Sure, Washington's tempting to a man on the make.
For sure, lots of federal teat to be sucked.
But don't stay too long, nearly a decade's too much,
or one day, verily, you're f***ed.

We're glad you returned
after your grand jaunt,
though frankly, some of us wonder,
what the hell -- Fremont?

On the other hand, Florida?
Maybe that's not so wrong.
Unless a PAC's about to spring a pic
of you on South Beach in camo thong.

Then you longed for South Dakota
to the Black Hills you wanted to flock.
Well, for that sin, you SOB,
bow down before Chimney Rock.

So ...
Be your name Sasse or Osborn
or Mordecai Ali Van Rosencrans,
It's hard to believe, some of us ask,
Jesus, is it too late to keep Johanns?

Ernie: The Unicam Cat

Inspired by, and with apologies to, "Gus: The Theatre Cat" of "Cats"

He is the Cat on the Unicam floor
His name as I'm sure you have heard before
Is really Ernie, but that name takes it toll
So by Day 56, some just call him "***hole"

His T-shirt is tight
His whiskers gone gray
And he suffers indignation that makes his voice bray
He was in his youth quite the smartest of cats
But thanks to term limits, shut out of the spats
He laid low in Omaha, awaited his time
And now he is back, still a cat in his prime.

Whenever he joins colleagues out on the floor
He loves to regale them even if he's a bore
When he gets cranked up, he goes on and on
He cares not if his listeners yawn.
He served with Warner, sparred with Terrible Terry
He's at his best when he's most contrary.

"I have played in my time every possible part
And I know this chamber's rules quite by heart
I extemporize poetry
I know how to preach
And when it really matters, I'll even beseech.

"Yes, I often lose but it comes at a price
For I know how to put this place in a vise.
Shoot mountain lions? OK, but if it comes to that
I'll never stop clawing -- Ernie, the Unicam Cat."