In reference to the Omaha World-Herald's Ask a Sad Hipster advice column. (http://www.omaha.com/article/20131001/GO/130909567/1707#ask-a-sad-hipster-a-new-advice-column)

How about: Ask a Sad Newspaper?

Dear Sad Newspaper:

Why should I read a newspaper when I can get my news from so many other places, and in a much more timely, succinct fashion, as well as targeted to my specific interests?

Sincerely, More of a Steve Guttenberg Guy Than a Johannes Gutenberg Guy

Dear More of a Steve Guttenberg Guy Than a Johannes Gutenberg Guy:

I think you'll find we have many relevant features suitable for a wide range of audiences, many suggested by our crack marketing department, that show we are on the cutting edge of a variety of lifestyles today. For example, see our new Ask a Sad Hipster advice column, which features what someone, who will remain cleverly anonymous because that makes it hipper, believes to be the voice of a currently untapped portion of our potential reading audience. Please enjoy this amusing slice of life and stay tuned for similar features as: Grilling, Goth Style; Big Red Today for Emos; and the Walking Dread section for Rastafarians.

We can deliver this product to you every morning, occasionally even before you go to work.

Hopefully, Sad Newspaper