"Walking Dead" season finale spoiler alert: Rick breaks his leg REAL bad playing basketball. Most gruesome scene yet.

An Easter haiku:

Christ died on cross, rose
in 3 days. Eggs dyed, in yard;
some don't rise 'til June

"YOLO -- but then it gets really good." -- Jesus

The "people's Pope" strikes another blow, casting from the Vatican all the nongreen plastic Easter grass, yellow jelly beans and hollow chocolate bunnies. His first encyclical to come?

Wow, that was fast. Drove under the bankrupt Kearney Archway this weekend, and CVS already has taken over the site.

"Keep Calm and Carry Your Cross." -- Jesus

I always say a silent prayer of thanks on Easter that the technology that produces hollow chocolate bunnies hasn't been refined enough yet to be applied to ham. Or, even worse, God forbid, steak.

Let me be the first to wish you all a Happy Fourth of July!

Relations with North Korea deteriorate further when last-ditch diplomatic mission ends with Charles Barkley spitting on Kim.

Church traditionalists are further scandalized when Pope Francis is spotted eating a peep tail first.

Watching a young family buy chicks at the store the day before Easter is like watching a scantily clad young woman head to the pond by herself to skinny dip in a slasher flick: You know it's gonna end badly but you're helpless to stop it.

Haven't seen this much vitriol toward the Jayhawks on my Nebraska-dominated feed since Mark Mangino ate a couple of our DBs during a TV timeout in '09.

Every time I watch "Project Runway" I'm reminded I don't have an aesthetic. :(

I appreciate that Jesus Christ died an agonizing death on the cross for my sins and to guarantee my eternal salvation. But it seems a bit much that I have to avoid the jelly-bean jar at work today in exchange.

This yellow shirt seemed like a good idea this morning, but I see in the office-bathroom mirror that I look like giant Easter egg. Must avoid sitting in the grass if any tots toting baskets are nearby.

Jesus was known among his disciples to greet the last work day every week with a cheerful and hearty “Good, Friday!” (there being no Aramaic version of TGIF). So it stuck. I think he’d be pretty annoyed at how we Christians chose to adopt it, however.

Whoa, I just caught on -- that red and pink equal sign is a Magic Eye. Stare at it long enough, and you’ll get it too – it’s an image of the Founding Fathers poring over the Constitution, with Ben Franklin looking toward us, dialogue bubble over his head: “What? Dudes are marrying dudes? Yeah, right. What’s next, a Negro president?”

"I apologize. I meant to say 'spics.'" -- Congressman Don Young

Wait, what? God hates FLAGS?! Crap. Never mind then on that Pledge of Allegiance requirement.

ESPN, 3/27: Are the Heat the greatest team ever? ESPN, 3/28: Have the Bulls uncovered the secret to beating the Heat?

I guess at this point we Nebraskans are cringing with the knowledge that it’s just a matter of time before one of our state senators says something about sex or biology that gets us on “The Daily Show” – with a backdrop of our map (though maybe they’ll screw up and show Kansas), maybe even a shot of the Sower. For the record, I’m betting on a football-rape analogy.

"Never mind expedited partner therapy. Hell, where can I find an expedited partner?" -- loser in bar

DOMA may be in trouble with the Supreme Court, where justices’ comments indicate the court appears to be leaning toward a ruling that the definition of marriage should be left to states. Here in Nebraska, that would be: One man, one woman, one Husker flag or ornamental stone.

Good news: He called you back after all a few days after that wild night you had together. Bad news: He whispered those three little words -- "expedited partner therapy."

"I'm not a constitutional lawyer; I just play one on social media." -- everyone

This has to be the gayest week at the Supreme Court since that ill-advised "Project Runway" challenge a few years ago to design new robes for the justices.

Supreme Court watchers obviously are keeping a close watch on justices’ Facebook profile pictures this week for clues to their leanings. Thomas still has his usual Coke can and Scalia, of course, the grumpy cat, but the ever-cryptic Kennedy just changed his to a sideways equal sign – looks like two doors; if so, what’s behind them? Or maybe two phalluses side by side? Wow. On the other hand, sometimes a sideways equal sign is just a sideways equal sign. Uh-oh, Roberts just updated his to a guy punting. Well, I give up. Totenberg, what say you?

North Dakota law notwithstanding, I wouldn't grant personhood status until at least age 2. 'Til then, they're just eating, crapping, crying machines that pretty much ruin everything they touch.

This Cheez-its box says 13 servings but all I found was one. :(

I could live with the night terrors if these day ones would just go away.

Best. tan. ever. on spring break. Twenty degrees this morning in Lincoln, no one's gonna know under leggings, Uggs and sweatshirt. Must at least wave gorgeous golden fingers in people's faces as much as possible. -- college girl problems

"Why aren't there any TV shows about snotty, spoiled couples deciding whether to spend $800,000 or $1 million on a house?" -- me in 1997

Is there a War on Easter? If so, let's get it on. But both sides: the Cadbury Creme Eggs are off limits! NOBODY harm them!

Oh God, no! Turns out that every time someone reposts one of those Facebook memes that they hate cancer or that they love their child, cousin, spouse or sibling, someone's child, cousin, spouse or sibling gets cancer. Please, please, just stop!

Man, I'd love to see Jeremy Jensen's private Facebook feed this morning.

April showers bring May flowers. March snow brings oh my God bitching and moaning like you've never heard.

A historic occasion today as Pope Francis met with his predecessor. I'm sure there's a two-popes-walk-into-a-bar joke there somewhere, but it's just out of my reach.

Well, damn, guys, the jig is up on the yoga pants. Now, nobody mention that we can totally see their breasts through those Uggs.

Just to review, in North Dakota life now begins at conception, still ends at birth. #northdakotabashing

So, I guess it's clear over the last month, first courtesy of The Onion, then the Jensen-Janssen fiasco, that the c-word is off-limits even if you're a joke.

My teenage daughter: "You got this mail from the crisis pregnancy center. Is there something you and mom need to tell me?" Me: "Wow, it's about time. We asked for that information 17 years ago." This family is no place for the overly sensitive.

I like my women how I like my coffee -- robust, full-bodied and in nothing but a No. 4 filter.

Have you ever Googled your family therapist, found out where he/she lives, then driven slowly around the block several times a week hoping to overhear a family fight, maybe even see a cop car outside the house? Me neither.

My life coach, pastor, boss, psychiatrist, spiritual adviser, 12-step sponsor, pharmacist, physical therapist, wife AND girlfriend all have demanded a group meeting with me. I'm sure it's no big deal, though, right?

The Swiss Guard just tossed Dennis Rodman out of the Vatican.

Seasoned observers are certain the cardinals will end the conclave before Friday as the Vatican’s tuna noodle casserole is notoriously awful. Some suspect it may even be part of the reason Benedict refused to serve through Lent.

Reform-minded observers are urging cardinals to be bold and daring in their papal choice, but don't count on it. It looks like they're just gonna go with another old Catholic guy.

Cardinal Timothy Dolan’s papal prospects may have taken a blow with emergence of an old video that shows him dismissing 47 percent of American Catholics as takers that “we’ll never convince should take personal responsibility for their lives.” Dolan’s colleagues are outraged by his lack of discretion, not to mention his way-too-low estimate.

Screaming goats doing the Harlem Shake please, Internet.

Big news: The Vatican has signed with Nike to be corporate sponsor of the next pontificate. Some traditionalists are a little concerned about the firm’s plans for a bold, new alternative uniform, but after more than 2,000 years, what could a swoosh on the alb and mitre and some tasteful but distinctive neon Lycra here and there hurt?

The city of Lincoln is counting on a mid-March warmup to thaw side streets without extensive plowing-- you know, the same approach it follows for snows in October, November, December, January and February.

"'Did you see that cat video?' Like everyone has said every day for the last seven years."-- $#@! My Teenage Daughter Says

I consider those who cannot remove a few inches of snow with a shovel and a little old-fashioned elbow grease to be pampered wusses, further evidence of the Decline of America. However, I AM willing to set aside my outrage and moral superiority for a neighbor who, as long as he's got it fired up anyway, is willing to run his snowblower on my sidewalk -- and I'll even keep my muttering about his wimpiness under my breath from inside my warm house while I watch him do it.

Setting my clock ahead to May 15 before bed tonight.

Every time someone says "if you don't like the weather in Nebraska, wait 10 minutes," a monkey gets its wings.

The conclave is just a big popeularity contest.

It's daylight saving time, not Daylight Savings Time. C'mon, people, AP Style -- learn it, love it, live it.

Well, well, well, Winter Storm Q, you certainly took your sweet time getting here.

If only weather forecasting were a science ...

Cardinals agree on ... RULES OF THE #CONCLAVE

1st RULE: You do not talk (or tweet) about the CONCLAVE
2nd RULE: You DO NOT talk (or tweet) about the CONCLAVE.
3rd RULE: If someone says "stop" or goes limp, grab the defibrillator immediately and call IX I I. (After all, average age of this group is 70something.)
4th RULE: No outside food or drink and no electronic devices. (And, yes, Bibles will be inspected for hidden compartments.)
5th RULE: Don't bogart that incense.
6th RULE: No shirts, no shoes.
7th RULE: Conclave will go on as long as it has to.
8th RULE: Only one pope soap on a rope souvenir per cardinal.

When cable went out in the days before Internet, children, sometimes we actually had to talk to other people, or even read a book. It was brutal.

I cried because I had no cable reception. Then I met a man who had no feet. But he had cable, the lucky bastard, and who needs feet if you have TV?

No cable reception during boys' basketball tournament. Meantime, Bo describes Huskers as "mentally weak ... a bad football team" after practice today. I think it's fair to say this is Nebraska's 9/11

I'm sure looking forward to losing an hour of insomnia tonight.

I'm sure looking forward to losing an hour of insomnia tonight.

Who would have thought Harvey Perlman had it in him to become UNL's version of The Dude? And by the way, where's the "I've been thinking" merch? I want a hoodie, some mugs and a backpack. http://perlsofknowledge.unl.edu/

Breaking news: SWAT team surrounds Lincoln home where desperate area man has Pictionary out and is threatening to use it on his family.

Mayor Beutler: Someone on my block was already running their lawn sprinklers yesterday. What is the procedure for adding them to the president's drone-kill list? Assume there's a form online somewhere?

Well, I think we've all long known the end of the world in nuclear fire and devastation would somehow involve Dennis Rodman.

It's kinda surprising more senators don't engage in talking filibusters, given that it's a chance to listen for hours to their favorite sound in the world.

Dammit. If I don't put a sticky note on my computer monitor or set an alarm on my phone, I’m not gonna remember it. Sorry, the Alamo. Belated Happy (?) ... um Anniversary (?) March 6.

Nebraska Legislature is debating yet again a measure to allow betting on so-called "historical" horse races. Good Lord. Sometimes I wish we could have issues debated and decided by "historical" unicamerals -- you know, the ones that had Jerome Warner, Maurice Kremer, "Terrible Terry" Carpenter and so on.

So what if the hilarious Honest Toddler is really a Canadian woman. That doesn’t make the tweets and Facebook posts any less entertaining, just as Donald Trump’s tweets aren’t any less entertaining for the fact that they actually come from a meth-addicted lab monkey given access to an iPad as part of a federal social media research project.

We’re not really THAT happy in Lincoln, but we got that scary Twilight Zone boy living here. You know the one -- he’ll wish us into the cornfield if we complain. We lose thousands after every snow storm or Husker loss. Still, it's a GOOD thing to be the happiest city in the USA.

The media always puts such a negative spin on everything. Like my local newspaper's headline says "Chavez loses battle with cancer." Why not "Cancer wins battle with Chavez"?

Blerg. Thinking of calling in unhappy to work today.

I'm really digging the new feel-good hit of the winter, http://perlsofknowledge.unl.edu/, but am determined not to get too attached to its hero. Seems like every character I've loved on screen lately has ended up getting killed off, and I just don't think I could bear another heartbreak. Please stay safe, Harvey.

Flipped off only 3 drivers on the way to work this morning, now that I know Lincoln is the new happiest place on earth.

You know what they say: It takes more muscles to frown than to smile. So it could just be that Lincoln is the laziest place in the U.S.

Administration rejects GOP suggestions White House tour suspensions were deliberately and dickishly punitive response to sequester. In related news, Obama holds news conference to announce cancellation of the White House's Girl Scout cookie order and says cuts to National Zoo's budget will force public execution of one panda per day.

Cardinals met today to begin planning the conclave. First order of business: They agreed to name it Popealooza 2013. Second step, of course: They made a Harlem Shake video.

Celebrated the Sacrament of Reconciliation today, my confessor the Weight Watchers weigh-in lady: Bless me, for I have sinned. I have not tracked my Points Plus Values, I lied to the gym elliptical machine when I entered my weight and age, and I didn't just covet that fried chicken; I done devoured it.

So Kim Jong-un couldn't have found some use for a huge, athletic ex-NBA player in one of his forced labor camps? Geez. Well, let's try sending over some Kardashians, I guess.

Despite great societal progress, men still have to work almost half as hard as women in the American workplace to get ahead. -- another Now You Know message from Women's History Month.

I KNEW there was something familiar about the Harlem Shake, and as soon as I saw the Huskers doing it, it hit me. Dug out video of the Big 10 title game and sure enough, our defense was onto this fad before everyone else!

The quality control inspectors at the PepsiCo plant have to do their Dew diligence.

A "serving size" of Thin Mints is 4 cookies. Yeah, right. I brush that much in crumbs out of my beard every time I pillage a box.

If you think the silences around me are awkward, wait 'til I start speaking.

Go home name a city that doesn't have an e in it, it's harder than you think. You're drunk.

So do we just get to goof off at Mass Sunday or what?

Just one day into this sequestered, popeless wasteland and already I can see I've miscalculated supplies for our bunker. The children are drawing straws to see who will venture to the surface to scavenge for more chocolate. Can anyone report on whether the walking dead are feeding right now?

That was just a taste, Nebraska and UNL. Coming to the Lied Center for just three nights in May: "ChancellorDance," Harvey Perlman's one-man show re-creating decades of dance fads from the Charleston on. Critics already are raving that his Electric Slide will bring down the house, and, well, let's just say his Achy Breaky Heart is a particular hit with the ladies.

Frankly, I'm always relieved when our political leaders are at such odds, for if this collection of hacks, nimrods and ass clowns all ever actually agreed on something, it would have to be something catastrophically stupid, perhaps even destroying our republic.

Let's just give up the pretense, Lincoln, and repaint all crosswalks as bull's eyes

As if things weren't bad enough already, Obama had to go and unleash the rage of Nerd Nation -- Star Trek AND Star Wars fans -- by mixing his metaphors today with a "Jedi mind-meld" reference. Picard and his first mate Chewie are NOT amused.

Sequestra-ku (a haiku):

Sequestration, sounds
a bit like castration. Yes,
get rid of these dicks.

Hey guys, where is everyone? I'm down at SouthPointe Mall for some sequestration looting, and no one else is here. C'mon!

Some serious Catholic thinkers are concerned about the implications of two popes in the Vatican at the same time. Some not-so-serious Catholic thinkers -- well, one anyway -- believe this sounds like the setup for a sitcom. Not a good one, mind you. Tyler Perry territory maybe. In which case, I guess we’re talking about two black popes. Hmm, getting funnier. And one’s really neat and the other’s a slob. Now we’re talking.