Everyone has their own expectations for what Heaven is like, I reckon. As for me, I'm pretty sure it's like that moment when you start your car up for an eight-and-a-half minute drive just as "Won't Get Fooled Again" is starting on the radio.

Beaucoup Bo-ku (Coach Pelini's occasional assessment in haiku form):

Honoring T.O.,
read my lips Saturday night:
"dad-f---ing-gummit."

Boys, please, if you're gonna trash talk, make sure you do so in an environmentally sensitive way. #huskers #badgers

Husker Nation, get to the stadium early to have time to change into fans' alternative uniforms. Supposed to be a surprise, but rumor is it involves red spandex. Lots and lots of red spandex. Yech. Memorial Stadium is really going to be bursting at the seams tonight, eh?

Tempting though it is, dadgummit, no, Husker fans, sneaking rocks into Memorial Stadium Saturday and skipping them across the field toward the Badgers' sideline is not acceptable fan behavior.

Facebook says it's International Book Week and I'm supposed to grab the book nearest me and share a line from it. Ironic, huh? Thanks to Facebook, there's never a book near me anymore. :(

Everyone has their own expectations for what Heaven is like, I reckon. As for me, I'm pretty sure it's like that moment when you start your car up for an eight-and-a-half minute drive just as "Won't Get Fooled Again" is starting on the radio.

Wait, what? That assclown Mike Love has the authority to fire Brian Wilson? God, I hope this doesn't send him back to his bedroom for another decade.

Thank God the referees and NFL have struck a deal in time for all of us to transition to bitching about postseason-baseball umpiring and then the BCS.

"Gangnam Style" now? Really? Before the possibilities of the "Call Me Maybe" meme have been fully explored?

Today is National Punctuation Day. Take a colon to lunch.

I'm hereby announcing the Tom Osborne for NFL commissioner campaign.

You know, he never won the big one as AD. (Sorry, I was channeling the '80s for a second there.)

Well, maybe this will help: NFL announces that as long as replacement refs continue to work games, coaches will be permitted, in addition to two challenges per game, three hissy fits, two spittle-flying tantrums, one dope slap, one ear flick and, if worse comes to worst, a Get Out of Jail Free card.

Speaking before the UN General Assembly today, President Obama decried the "crude and disgusting video" that has sparked such outrage in the world. "But enough about the Monday Night Football game," he added.

A worldwide bacon shortage?! My God, so the terrorists really HAVE won.

What the NFL needs are some replacement owners and a replacement commissioner, am I right, people?

Please remain calm, America, and leave the Hitler-reaction meme out of this. #MNF #NFL

You know what? Though we never mention it, our girls are pretty square and our boys plenty fair too. There is NO place like Nebraska. #UNL24

Without warning or explanation, my local newspaper moved the Sunday Jumble to a new page today. See, this is why print is dying.

I think the Broncos accidentally signed COOPER Manning.

There have been so many officiating reversals in this Chiefs-Saints game, they just started it over.

I love the smell of musty, first-cold-day-of-fall furnace in the morning. And I don't even care if today's my turn to run it or not, mayor.

There were the 99% and the 1%, followed by something called the Other 98%; then 47%, 8% and now, just yesterday, 14.1%. See, this is why people hate politics -- too much damn math.

So, any chance Hayden Fry is ready to pull a Bill Snyder?

I'm actually pretty satisfied that the Huskers made it through the tough part of their schedule at 3-1.

Beaucoup Bo-ku (Coach Pelini's first-quarter assessment, in haiku form):

Get off my chest with
defibrillator paddles.
I'm just sleeping, guys.

Hey, Husker fans. Tom Osborne's passing the hat at Memorial Stadium at halftime. Just $3 apiece, and we can add another $250,000 to the Bengals' $600K payday. Seems only fair.

I ain't saying today's Husker game is a bit of a mismatch, but word is Lil Red will see playing time at quarterback and cornerback in the second half.

Rappers on Twitter? Twizzlers, right?

"Wow, you sure do have your mother's eyes. Now, put them down slowly and put your hands up, you sick bastard." -- from my script for a "Criminal Minds" episode that producers keep rejecting. :(

"Hey! You kids get off my swan!" -- old man to young neighborhood punks behaving inappropriately with his pond wildlife again.

I wonder if Romney campaign staffers cry themselves to sleep every night, or if some nights they scream at the top of their lungs into their pillows.

Pillage Like a Pirate Day would be a lot more fun.

The Huskers are working on a new offensive game plan this week. It's code-named Flu-like Symptoms -- mostly runs, but throw it up occasionally.

I don't know that the Romney campaign is completely dysfunctional, but it sure isn't dat functional either.

Imagine how the world would be different if the Sabols had shown an interest in soccer instead.

Media advisory from Huskers Athletic Department: Bo will take no questions at today's press conference. Doctor wants him to ease back up to speed, so has prescribed him 15 minutes of quiet, uninterrupted glaring at reporters.

It may be time for Romney to claim he's been brainwashed.

Well, this is awkward: Bain Capital is making a bid to acquire the floundering Romney campaign, get rid of its underperformers (starting with, um, you know ...) and merge what’s left with the boffo 1980 Reagan campaign.

So, Romney says 47 percent of Americans will vote for Obama because they're dependent on government and think they're victims. Obama says 47 percent are clinging to guns and religion. That means this election will be decided by the 6 percent of us in the middle who think we're victims AND cling to guns and religion.

Cowboys AND Patriots lose? That means the terrorists lose.

Bo's OK. But doc ordered him to use his inside voice all week during practice, limits him to only five f-bombs a day, and for the next three games, he'll be trussed up on the sideline, Hannibal Lector style.

Now, now, Chiefs' fans, if you could back in history, you would NOT strangle the baby Scott Pioli in his crib. I mean, it's a baby, man, and that's not who you are. But if you could go back not quite so far in history and be a guidance counselor at his high school, you'd definitely steer him into another line of work. Like coal mining, or bomb defusing, or at least the NHL.

Communications major Matt Barkley is thinking of pursuing a career in the newspaper business rather than be drafted No. 1 by the Chiefs in 2013.

Look, I'm not overly superstitious but why the hell wouldn't you find a route that didn't take you through Dead Man's Curve several times a day?

Whatever happened to Higgs boson? Man, that was the lamest 15 minutes of fame since Taylor Hicks.

Beaucoup Bo-ku (Coach Pelini's occasional assessment, in haiku form):

Sorry. Just our new
halftime adjustments. Next week
I'll leave sans amb'lance

"You saw my blood pressure. What do you think?" -- Bo Pelini to emergency room doctor

Husker flags are hung on our porches with care, in hopes the damn Blackshirts will be there.

Suffering terrible writer's block this afternoon. Can't figure out how to even begin this magazine story due this week. Ugh. First word problem.

Hey, Husker fans, keep this on the QT, but I got a helium guy and he just scored some primo stuff, he didn't say how and I ain't askin'. DM me if you want some of this action. What say we release those balloons Saturday at the first tackle, lift the boys' spirits a bit?

Hey, baby, it's Saturday night, and I got 7 PointsPlus left for the week. What say you and I go out for 6 ounces of protein -- sorry, just 4 for you -- and then back to my place and, you know, earn a few Activity Points together? -- pick-up line at a Weight Watchers meeting.

Well, if nothing else, I guess we’ve learned this week that the same communications tool that works so well for sharing the latest Chris Brown tat or Kardashian cleavage sighting may not be as well-suited to the complexities of international diplomacy.

Lincoln mayor ended mandatory watering restrictions this morning. "My fellow Lincolnites, our long municipal nightmare is over."

Whoo-hoo! An inch-and-a-half of rain overnight, helium supply restored. Gonna celebrate by taking water balloons to the Huskers game, spraying the lawn with helium.

iPhone, uPhone, weallPhone for iPhone.

Six generations in, how is it that Apple still hasn't come up the one obvious innovation needed on its iPhone -- a set of mirrors mounted on it so these iDiots with their faces constantly buried in the damn thing as they walk can see in front of them and avoid running into the rest of us?

The city may make illegal watering in a drought a lesser offense. OK. But maybe people who don't have the sense to turn off their automatic sprinklers the day after an inch and a half of rain should be punished by being mounted on a sprinkler head for a colonic irrigation.

I read in the paper this morning that Bo has decreed that the Huskers will practice tackling this week. And to think some people complain that he's overpaid.

Happy 150th birthday, William Sydney Porter, aka O. Henry, master of humor, irony and the surprise, twist ending – and, of course, inspiration for the name of that well-known candy bar, the Snickers.

(Ha! See what I did there, well, did ya?)

Really, Chancellor? Time for "Call Me Maybe," Larry the Cable Guy and Gen. MacArthur references, but nothing on the tackling crisis facing this university?! Oy.

Given each's opponent's respective baggage, I don't see how Obama OR Romney loses this race.

An important point of clarification for Huskers' fans: Pitt is NOT gravitating toward mediocrity. The Panthers are 0-2. They'd have to levitate to get to mediocrity.

Is that Chapstick in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me but very poorly endowed?

Turned in someone for illegal watering today. I've never felt so alive.

I sure hope the quality of Peyton Manning's play hasn't dropped as precipitously in his year away as the quality of his TV commercials.

Beaucoup Bo-ku (Coach Pelini's occasional assessments in haiku form):

Big 10 title still
within reach. So is giving
Penn State its first win

Legal tip: If arrested for public urination, remember you have a right to trial by a jury of peeers.

I hear there's this bright coach at Ohio University doing a really impressive job. Hmm, I wonder ...

Back despite popular demand, Bo-ku, Coach Pelini's occasional assessment in haiku form:

Team's execution?
Very good question. I am
in favor of it.

"I will not take God off our coins" -- Mitt Romney, this weekend. Really? When's the last time Mitt's even SEEN a coin?

Holy crap, the sun's not coming up!!! Oh wait, it's only 5:30. Never mind.

I think it would be a lovely gesture if Ron Brown led both teams to midfield before the game today to pray some more for Penn State.

Penn State's president just called the NCAA to ask it to consider again the death penalty for the football program.

About those 96,000 new jobs created in August? Subtract the ones created by frozen yogurt shops, the Walmart empire, infestations of organic/yuppie/upscale grocery stores and lawn-sprinkler enforcement, and the number is 7.

Further compromises are smoothing over yesterday’s unrest at the Democratic National Convention. Convention-goers now agree to keep God in their platform but only if specified as a transgendered, bi-racial, disabled undocumented worker Supreme Being who, in addition to being all-powerful and all-knowing, is a'ight.

Fellow Huskers' fans: It belies our hard-earned reputation for decency and good sportsmanship to take such pleasure in Steve Pederson's current woes. But what the hell, no one's perfect. Ha. Ha. Ha.

So, old people on Twitter? Tweezers, right?

Obama speech moved indoors from huge outdoor arena. Tough break -- now he's gonna have to check his ego at the door. :(

Being a fact checker during a political convention is like being a UN peacekeeper in some wartorn African nation: So, so much blood and gore, where to start?

All Democrats in America are walking around today with smiles on their faces like -- excuse the indelicacy -- they got laid last night. Now, of course about half of what Clinton said was unadulterated lies or bullsh--, including, quite possibly, his claim he wants Obama re-elected. I mean, it’s Bill Clinton, after all. Still, even Republicans marvel at his ability to make it all go down so smoothly, with a smile, that folksy drawl, a Fleetwood Mac song, a strategic lip bite here and there, hell even a Reagan line. Obama probably should come out tonight and just say, “What he said” and walk off.

Democratic convention officials said the omission of Jerusalem as the capital of Israel and the word God in the party platform was a "technical oversight" because it is "many pages long." Don't scoff. It's actually a perfectly plausible explanation. After all, some of these people are the same ones who don't know what's in legislation until after they've passed it.

For some Democratic convention-goers, evidently, God is like that weird kid in your class you don't wanna invite to your party, but mom says you haveta.

Clinton still makes everyone else in this business look like a rank amateur.

Let me be the first in 2012 to say: Fire Tom Coughlin!

Given the quality of the two political parties' work, I suspect God would rather be left unmentioned in both platforms.

If an alien landed on Earth and asked me to explain why we Americans despise our politics and politicians so, I'd have it listen to Harry Reid speak for five minutes.

My favorite part was when the first lady flexed those amazing guns of hers and challenged P90X boy Paul Ryan to an arm wrestling match, after they run a marathon against each other of course.

Her husband isn't political, doesn't cast us vs. them, is always courageous and does the hard things because they're right? Sorry to hear the Obamas split up. So, who's she married to now?

Weather service issues rare Turkey Advisory: Please, people, do not look directly up into rain in awe, lest you drown.

Well, it ain't exactly Hope and Change, but when life hands you 8.3 percent unemployment ... well, you know the rest. So, the Democratic convention this week features the economic theme "It Was Like That When We Got Here."

People who follow the letter but not the spirit of the Lincoln watering restrictions – for instance, watering every day they possibly can – are really gonna love those every-other-day toilet-flushing limits this winter.

Joe Biden is insisting on a full dining room set as a stage prop for his Democratic convention speech, won't say why. He's really pushing his luck; after weeks of negotiations, campaign managers only grudgingly agreed to give him a microphone.

A U-Haul truck full of supplies for a Joe Biden campaign visit to Detroit was stolen this weekend. Secret Service demands return of the truck's contents, but makes no demand for return of the confused, incoherent 69-year-old man who was dozing in the passenger seat when it was hijacked.

Bill Clinton is the only Democratic convention speaker who's not turned in his speech for vetting yet. Campaign organizers are fretting over rumor he's demanding a stripper pole as a stage prop.

After the Clint Eastwood debacle, the Obama campaign is rethinking its invitation to Charlie Sheen to introduce the president at this week's Democratic convention.

Not ready to drink the Taylor Martinez Kool-Aid just yet, but another coupla weeks of that, and I'll at least shake the powder into the glass.

Mass, Weight Watchers meeting, workout at the gym and New York Times Sunday crossword -- all done by 11:30 a.m. It's a good thing the feeling of moral superiority I have right now doesn't last long, or I'd be pretty damn hard to be around.

Used-car shopping for my daughter, I told one seller I wanted to have a mechanic look at a prospective purchase. "Yeah, I'll have my guy look at it," I said. As soon as we were out of his earshot, my daughter says, "you don't even have a guy, do you?" No, of course not, and I'm sure he knew it too, but he didn't call me on it. Because you never doubt another guy's guy. That's standard Guy Code.

Best proof of American exceptionalism: Prime-time Saturday college football. :) Proof U.S. still not perfect, though: Play by play by Brent Musburger. :(

Paul Ryan says he misspoke. He meant to say he finished the marathon in under three hours riding his unicorn.

Heading west from Lincoln on I-80 on game day, I feel a little like salmon in a Saturn.

Wow, Politifact is really on a roll. I guess they're even fact-checking the Huskers' play-calling this afternoon. That should be festive.