"It's exhausting to have so much potential." --@$&! My Teenage Daughter Says After Being Buttered Up By Admissions Staff on Her First College Visit

Campus visits with your high schooler are God's way of humbling and terrifying you with memories of the stupid, dangerous and maybe illegal things you did in college.

Driving through cattle country means never having to apologize for farting in the car.

That'll do, businesses still bragging about your websites being available 24-7. That'll do.

My very organized wife started labeling my lunch items with Weight Watchers points a couple of weeks ago. For the first couple of days before I caught on, I thought that was the order she wanted me to eat my food. "What a control freak," I thought -- and then, of course, spread my lunch out accordingly and ate it in exactly that order. One does not stay married for going-on 30 years without accepting that not everything has to make sense.

"Join the club of people I disappointed today." -- $#@! My Teenage Daughter Says

Crap, Rex is a Bengal? Well, that's that, I guess. How long before he gets arrested?

St. Peter's is standing at the Gates waiting impatiently. That damn No-Show Jones.

I don't mean to brag, but if you get enough beer in me in a karaoke bar, I've been known to sing both the George AND Tammy parts of "We're Not the Jet Set" -- and flat-out nail 'em. (Hint: It only takes one beer anymore.)

The Possum!? Why now, God, why? So untimely. Was there a clerical error up there? Did his paperwork fall under the fax machine and get lost 30 years ago?

Oh my God, you guys, the turmeric challenge, you gotta try this. You need 6 cups of the stuff, a 30-gallon metal trash can (MUST be metal, MUST be 30 gallons!), 25 feet of quarter-inch plastic tubing, three enema bags, then clear the room of furniture and cover floors, walls and ceiling with plastic sheeting and let the fun begin.

"Oh my God is this your first time being a parent?!" -- $#@& My Teenage Daughter Says

I'm so sick of hearing Jamie Lee Curtis prattle on about her digestive system, I'm kinda rooting for Michael Myers to return and finally finish her off.

Facebook powered by wind? I would have guessed piles of manure, methane produced by angsty users' desperate cries for attention and validation and cats on treadmills.

OK, I get it, but I would totally watch a TV show called "Celebrity Cinnamon Challenge."

The cinnamon challenge kills more people a year than guns. -- claim by somebody on your Twitter or Facebook feed soon, you just wait.

Reese Witherspoon arrested for disorderly conduct? REESE FREAKING WITHERSPOON?! I don't wanna be an alarmist, but I suddenly got a bad feeling that last week was just a prelude to some truly serious shit going down this week.

I'm really looking forward to being sick of the rain.

My other boat has a bloody fugitive hiding in it. -- future boat bumper sticker probably

Good news, Nebraska: We've gone viral again! Bad news: It's Mike Johanns talking video games and guns. #TeamMike

Whether referring to welfare as "government cocaine" or describing funding for services for developmental disabilities as a game of "whack-a-mole," state Sen. Bill Kintner certainly is a gifted turner of phrases. No doubt he'll appreciate henceforth being known as "Senator Vinegar and Water."

Based on what we saw yesterday, before I do anything crazy, you can be damn sure I'll provide my family members with some very specific talking points.

"Triple-tested condoms"? No thank you, Trojan.

We need an emoticon to respond to people who use emoticons in all their communications. The first one that comes to mind seems a bit harsh, though.

When all you have are parachute pants, everything looks like a Hammer.

Obama announces groundbreaking brain mapping initiative. It'll start slowly with volunteers from Congress -- mostly loose screws, rancid tapioca and lint in there. Then they'll move on to higher life forms.

"Mom's in the shower with the plumber. Thought you should know." -- %$#@ My Teenage Daughter Texts. "Yeah, I once found her in the dark with the electrician." -- %$#@ I Text Back.

I would rather see a woman breastfeeding her child in public than a large man eating a jelly-filled powdered-sugar covered pastry.

I'd like to call my local oldies station to request a song, but they're giving away tickets to callers for a Jefferson Starship concert this month, so I just can't take the risk.

Oy. My Cubbed-up news feed today already has me missing last week's gayed-up one.

Feeling a little sad tonight, thinking about all those little chick and bunny funerals today.

Thrilling crossover surprise last night as Matthew Crawley and Lady Sybil put in an appearance on "The Walking Dead."

Wow, Pope Francis is really on a roll. He just won April Fools' Day with an email to the starchiest of his church's cardinals announcing a Third Vatican Council to begin May 1 to "really shake some things up."

Celebrate Opening Day: Scratch yourself and spit.

My God, as if the Kevin Ware injury isn't horrific enough, now we have Joe Theismann back in the media spotlight.