A quicker-witted Romney would have responded to Newsweek's tired "wimp" slam by noting Twain's old adage against arguing with anyone who buys ink by the barrel, and then adding, “oh, but wait. They don’t anymore, do they?”

Tough break for Romney: New photos show him windsurfing with his wife's dressage horse.

Tragedy at the Olympics. Bob Costas fell in the pool, still wouldn't shut his mouth. Drowned.

Sightseeing in Israel, Mitt Romney: "That is indeed a wailing wall."

Regrettably, I must decline the invitation to your pool party. I can't stand having all those women staring at me, dressing me with their eyes.

Romney probably should make his next foreign trip to a country that doesn't speak English.

Chik-Fil-A stands its ground, God bless 'em, with a bold new menu item: The Hetero Platter – two perfectly straight chicken strips, stacked missionary style, with Breeder's Cup o' Slaw. NOT available with waffle fries or fruit-cup side dish. And the kids' meals have Leviticus action figures!

I got kind of excited when I heard bikinis were optional for sand volleyball at these Olympics, but never mind.

Like they say, it takes more muscles to frown than to smile. Also, it takes only three to raise your middle finger. So smile and flip that bird -- message still sent, energy still conserved.

Halfway through my Popeye's chicken tonight, I suddenly realized I have no idea where they are on LGBT issues, abortion or evolution. Crap, am I gonna need to purge?

Nice thing about those alternative uniforms for the Wisconsin game is they'll hide the blood. Hmm. Maybe should consider them for Michigan, Michigan State and Ohio State games too?

Having a time here. Wish you were wonderful.

The collapse of Michael Jackson's family into complete and utter dysfunction is a mystery -- specifically, how the hell did it take this long?

Ugh. No more "Project Runway" for me. It makes me so bitchy the next day.

I hate to say it, Lincoln, but that wasn't rain. It was that Greenland ice sheet melt washing over us.

Maybe I’m missing something, but in contemplating the question of the day (again) -- “Should assault weapons be illegal?” -- doesn’t the phrase “assault weapons” sorta make the answer obvious? I mean, seriously, how effin’ stupid are we if we can't figure that out?

Washed car, thoroughly watered garden and other important plants, but, dammit, forgot to leave all my windows open, remove downspouts and leave something really valuable out on my deck to get soaked. So, if it doesn’t rain, it’s on me, I guess. Sorry, Lincoln.

No doubt business colleges in the future will teach this important rule of corporate communications: Never, ever get into a fight with a bunch of Muppets. The little buggers are cute but, when the felt starts flying, ruthless.

Penn State punishment harsh, but not harsh enough. Bring us the head of Todd Blackledge! #Huskers

The Jim Henson Company has a lotta nerve casting aspersions on Chik-fil-A. Word is that company is a hotbed of sexual harassment -- those poor Muppets get felt up all the time.

Weather experts are recommending residents of drought-stricken areas pour an inch or 2 of water in their rain gauges once a week or so because ... well, it's not really clear why, but just do it, OK? It might make us all feel a little better.

No traveling his summer. Just grilling: T-bone today, ribeye tomorrow, then New York strip, followed by flat iron, filet mignon and so on. We call this a steak-ation in Nebraska, 'cause that's how we roll here.

Life has handed me gators today. Trying to make Gatorade, but they're bitey, oh so bitey.

CNN reports that NCAA has guaranteed Penn State a spot in BCS title game for the next four years.

Wow, another leak from the NCAA's "unprecedented" punishment for Penn State: "May you go straight to hell, where you will eat naught but burning hot coal and drink naught but burning hot cola, where fiery demons will punch you in the back, where your soul will be chopped into confetti and strewn upon a parade of murderers and single mothers, where your tongue will be torn out by ravenous birds ..."

Hoping to stave off NCAA action, in addition to tearing down statue, Penn State today announced the retroactive retirement of Paterno, Spanier and others effective in 2001.

Wow. " ... and a plague shall leave your fields and women barren ..." -- early leak from the NCAA's reportedly "unprecedentedly tough" sanctions against Penn State.

Bane's father is Darth Vader?! I did not see that coming.

Summer safety tip: While frying the proverbial egg on the sidewalk, do not sit, lest you cook rump roast too.

Drought be damned, I feel like Bubba Blue with our garden tomatoes this year: Anyway, like I was sayin', tomato is the fruit of the garden. We got sliced tomatoes; bacon, lettuce & tomato sandwiches; tomato salad; tomato omelettes; and, tonight, Mediterranean stuffed tomatoes.

How 'bout a rule that would allow the Big 10 commissioner to step in as offensive coordinator in certain situations, say midgame by a 2/3 vote of the fans?

I have a feeling the Founding Fathers might question our interpretation of both the 2nd AND 1st amendments on a day like this.

Donald Trump announces that Jim Delany will be the new host of "The Apprentice."

Don't you get the feeling that under the right circumstances, Ann Romney could be goaded into saying, "let them eat cake"?

Sadly, America, the one adjective that does not apply to the Aurora theater shooting, no matter how often it's used, is "unbelievable."

People who complain about a lack of parking around here clearly haven't been on I-80 west of Lincoln lately.

Wow. Anyone else notice that Mitt Romney is listed as head of the London 2012 Summer Olympics? What's up with that?

Never mind Rush’s rantings about Bane and Bain. Consider this: In 2008 we elected a president named Obama. Thirty years earlier, a Republican administration armed and nurtured a future terrorist in Afghanistan. Incredibly, he had almost exactly the same name. Coincidence? Ha! What say you, El Rushbo?

I'm not saying Michele Bachmann isn't the brightest bulb in the House, but she just wigged out when someone said there were muslins found in the White House linen closets.

Geez, forget what downtown parking garage you're parked in one time, and the rest of the family is ready to go safe-haven on you at the nearest nursing home.

The Girl Scouts are pinko pro-choice lesbians, the Boy Scouts are fascist homophobes. Thank God for 4-H. Wait, they kill animals, don't they? Damn.

Grass is greener on the other side of the fence, you say? Neighbor's probably flouting the city's drought water conservation plan. Gonna jump the fence after dark with three jugs of Roundup and a sledgehammer to do some sprinkler adjustments, teach him a lesson about respecting our planet, yo.

So, anyway, when exactly did Rush Limbaugh ditch the Oxycontin for bath salts?

Let’s face it. Some people wouldn’t know what to do if life handed them lemonade mix, a pitcher, ice and frosted drinking glasses.

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then it's yours. And if not, well, that’s what Facebook stalking is for.

Note that an anagram of “icon” is “coin.” Bring in enough of the latter, and you are essentially untouchable as the former. #Paterno

Monday. Per usual, I'm not making eye contact with anyone. Don't know the answer, don't wanna be called on.

If you make fun of Ron Paul on Twitter, or leave even the slightest impression you don't think he's the saviour of America, you can expect to hear from some very, um, interesting people.

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief ... and unspeakable love.” -- Washington Irving

Ugh. Dontcha hate that feeling on the back of your neck right after a haircut? You know the one -- where it feels like she mighta shaved a swastika back there, or maybe Kanye West's likeness?

A woman cried because she had no shoes, and her husband looked in her closet and said, "what the hell are all these, hon?" He walks a little funny now, what with the 4-inch-heel enema he got.

"We buried Paul." -- Nebraska GOP

What's all this crud about water conservation? Hey, mayor, you can have my sprinklers when you pry them from my cold, dead hands.

Objects in fitting-room mirror are farther away than they appear.

Big deal, Pamplona. In America we celebrate the Running of the Bull for months every election year.

Well, thank God. It looks like this nation is finally going to have a serious discussion about the dangers of letting people wear costumes in movie theaters.

To Mitt Romney, with apologies to Henry Higgins: To reign you must 'splain mainly about Bain.

Never mind the controversy over when Romney left Bain. He's now claiming his term as Massachusetts governor actually ended in 2005, the year BEFORE health-care reform was adopted there. So, that explains that.

Dear Earl May/Dr. Sanjay Gupta: Is it possible to catch blossom end rot from your tomato plants? That's kinda what it looked like this morning in the shower. (Asking for a friend.)

Spent several hours in the car, so can report the question of the day on ESPN Radio was what to do with the Paterno statue. Rather than tear it down, perhaps it would be instructive to add to it the figures of Spanier, the ex-AD and Sandusky in a pose of see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil -- and Evil.

I don’t care if Elvis himselvis returns from the grave and performs one with Bruce Springsteen, the Who and Merle Haggard. As God is my witness, I'll stand by my vow not to tweet, email or post on FB any version of “Call Me Maybe.” You're welcome.

Today is World Population Day. Complicated issues, lots of controversy, to be sure, but the international community has come together on this: Kanye West and Kim Kardashian must be prevented, at all costs, from reproducing.

Judging from the disturbing recent uptick in gunplay in Lincoln, it appears the city's annexation of Omaha may have backfired.

Beer me. And while you're at it, go ahead and bacon me too.

Guys, no need to be ashamed of being curious; hell, we all are. But be aware there have been reports of men who furtively read "50 Shades of Grey" and then went to see "Magic Mike" who suddenly came to their senses in a strange store trying on completely unnecessary shoes.

Generally speaking, cautious optimism is the best approach to life, but today I believe I'm gonna go with reckless pessimism.

I accept that I can't take it with me. But I sure would like to hang on to more of it while I'm here.

Choosing bacon-flavored baked beans from the store shelf, I found myself wondering: Why do they even make non-bacon-flavored food?

So, apparently Higgs boson is gonna crash the Internet tomorrow. Good job, stupid scientists; you couldn't just leave it alone, could you?

I got a head for business – though, sadly, not the one I happen to be in -- and a body for sin -- sloth and gluttony, to be specific. Story of my life.

Meantime, University of Wyoming animal scientist John Higgs seethes over the fact that his discovery of a new breed of bison was completely overshadowed this week.

So, a quark, a lepton and a boson walked into a bar. Mass confusion ensued.

Some people look at this week as having two Mondays, but I look at it as having two Fridays.

Really? Already? Westboro Baptist has a new set of picket signs: "The God particle hates fag particles."

Mitt Romney now says the individual mandate is a dessert topping, contradicting an aide who called it a floor wax.

So, anyway, my wife came home from the store with turkey bacon. Of course I sent her back and she returned this time with low-sodium bacon. Can this marriage be saved?

Until recently, the Higgs Boson scientists hadn't been particularly successful.

Grilled steak, fresh garden produce and margaritas, followed by coffee with a splash of Bailey's and key lime pie; watching "Die Hard 2" on Netflix and listening to fireworks outside. Ya done good, Thomas Jefferson; ya done real good.

Wow, that didn't take long. The Higgs Boson particle just announced "The fact is, I'm gay."

That awkward moment when you sneak two of the red, white and blue strawberries your wife labored over for the holiday feast and then realize, crap, I'll bet she counted them.

If not for the courage of our Founding Fathers 236 years ago, we'd all be speaking English today. Like, totes.

I, for one, welcome our new God-particle overlord.

Pull up at stoplight, singing loudly to radio. Make eye contact with driver in the next lane just in time for us to simultaneously hit "Scaramouche! Scaramouche! Will you do the fandango?!" at the top of our lungs. We nod and smile a silent "well done, sir" to each other, light changes, off we go. Feel bad, though, that we're not stopped at same light a few minutes and blocks later when "Layla" comes on; I think we could have made beautiful music together on air guitar.

The good news: Scientists may have found the God particle. The bad news: They accidentally squashed all the poor Whos living on it – yes, even JoJo -- when they put it under the microscope.

I miss those days before the Fourth of July became so damn commercialized -- when families and neighbors would gather and simply set fire to piles of money.

So help me, the first time I hear that Lee Greenwood song this week, I'm moving to Canada, with a winter home in Costa Rica.

How is it Subway hasn't become a sponsor of "Criminal Minds," with a special tie-in sandwich served in a pita and called, of course, the Unsub?