It's Monday again. How 'bout we strive to be a little more constructive and productive this week? For example, instead of rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic, maybe rearrange the icebergs in the North Atlantic, OK?

Libs and lamestream historians had a cow over Tea Partier Michele Bachmann’s comments on slavery and the Founders. Wait 'til they hear her next speech, which will claim Jesus was a secret signer of the Declaration of Independence. He went by Button Gwinnett, which, you already noticed, I'm sure, is an anagram for We B Totin' Gun, TNT -- proof, she sez, that JC wrote the 2nd Amendment, too. So, suck on that, libs.

A case of insomnia, an overactive imagination, a vague sense of feeling not quite right and Internet access is a dangerous combination. That's how I decided I'm suffering from a mix of scurvy, malaria, beriberi, glaucoma, PTSD, Tourette's (&#@!, *^%&) and an imbalance of humors. So, I'm off to score a bag of lemons, some thiamine and quinine, a bucket of leeches and some medicinal weed. Gonna get well or die tryin'

Sure, she's got Bette Davis eyes. Pity then about her Ron Howard hairline, Leonid Brezhnev eyebrows, Lyndon Johnson ears, Shane MacGowan teeth, Jay Leno chin, Mark Mangino cheeks, Robin Williams hairy arms, Orson Welles belly, Kirstie Alley ass, Danny DeVito legs and Shaquille O'Neal feet. Still, look into those eyes. They ARE something, aren't they?

Nebraska is one of the few states to provide no legal protection of a woman's right to breast-feed in public, and a lawmaker has proposed a bill in this session to ensure that right. It’s hard to imagine anyone being opposed to that in this day and age, though it should be said many men prefer breasts for display purposes only, not as working models. I suppose you might call them lactose-intolerant pigs.

Yes, I fought the law. And who won, you ask. Well, I'm on the floor, forehead bloodied, a couple of ribs cracked, still suffering from some lingering Taser twitch, hands cuffed behind my back. Who do you think won, brainiac?

Man cannot live on Thin Mints alone, but for about two weeks every year I give it a shot anyway.