Elf on the Shelf getting old? Perhaps you want to start a new tradition this Christmas and add one of its guilt- and fear-stoking partners to your household's merriment:

-- Yenta on the Mantle, who glares at your adult, single children when they come home for the holidays, wondering why they can't find a nice partner and finally settle down; 

-- Reindeer in the Beer, the broken down former Santa livestock who compensates for his depression during the holidays by getting stinking drunk and making a damn fool of himself; 

-- Midge in the Fridge, the disapproving personal trainer who glowers at you when you open the refrigerator, peeking from behind a carton of eggnog, sitting astride a stick of butter, pulling herself out of a ball of cookie dough; or

-- Guido in the Mistletoe, the menacing debt collector who dangles from above tapping a baseball bat on his hand as he surveys your out-of-control Christmas spending.

The gullible stranger's money in hand, the boy realized he now had enough to score big at the mall's Cinnabon. He dropped mama's Christmas shoes on the store floor and skedaddled.

Beaucoup Boku (Coach Pelini's occasional reflections, in haiku form):

Pro: I rock orange.
Con: Tried, can't say "execute"
in Tennessee twang

The Interwebs are buzzing with rumors that Bo Pelini has contacted Tennessee about its open coaching job. Probably nothing to it, but as a precautionary measure, Gov. Heineman has scrambled Nebraska Air National Guard fighters to intercept Houston Nutt's plane if it enters state airspace.

For what it's worth, Bret Bielema already has sent a very enthusiastic letter of recommendation for Bo Pelini to Tennessee's AD.

Guatemalan cops arrest antivirus software guru John McAfee, suspected of neighbor's murder in Belize. McAfee will get a 30-day trial, of course.

I'm sorry but I have no use for the Grammy awards. My Grammy was the best and she never got one.