Speaking of Pinnacle Arena’s “Candy Box” artwork, surely another scene will memorialize the Huskers’ first Big 10 title game appearance. It’ll incorporate a white-chocolate jockstrap of a juked-out NU defender left on the field as a Badger runs by.

I gave the last of my money at the store to a boy whose mama had no Christmas shoes to go meet Jesus. But then I met a boy at the prosthetics store whose mama had no feet.

Pinnacle Arena's "Candy Box" depiction of Lincoln culture will be a travesty if it doesn't include a scene of a car going through a roundabout with its driver's middle finger extended.

Oh my God. Can't you people see what's happening here? The Mayans' plan all along was to bring the modern world to apocalypse this month through collapse of the Internet thanks to endless dumb social-media jokes about Mayans. You bastards!

Please, people, don't take the "ristma" out of Christmas.

Lately, I have been tormented by the inexplicable but unshakeable belief that every time a bell rings, someone somewhere has said "I could care less" or "irregardless."

Listening to sports talk radio hosts and their callers trying to figure out what went wrong with the Huskers Saturday night is akin to listening in on a bunch of first-year med students in a lab gathered around an especially bloody corpse trying to pin down the cause of death. In the end, the carcass is so completely torn asunder, how can you possibly tell?