I'm gonna be too excited to sleep tonight. Tomorrow's my designated watering day. Hell with it, I'll just stay awake, fondling my sprinklers, waiting for midnight.

This just in: Brits cancel invitation to Romney to participate in Olympics opening ceremonies after word leaks of his plan to enter arena with a corgi strapped to the top of his car.

"Sometimes, you see, there's only one set of footprints in the sand because I can fly" -- the Lord, rolling his eyes, to one of his not-so-bright children.

Love the Games! I don't have just Olympic fever. I have Olympic flesh-eating bacteria.

I don't like to brag, but my superpower is the ability to make any silence instantly awkward.

The first rule of Debate Club: You do talk about Debate Club. The second rule of Debate Club: YOU DO TALK about Debate Club. The third rule of Debate Club: A dab of Mountain Dew will lift those Clearasil stains right out of a clip-on tie.

Lots of snarking about embarrassing screwups and miscues by organizers of the London Olympics, but on the positive side, word is the new ski-slalom track they built is stunning.