I don’t care if Elvis himselvis returns from the grave and performs one with Bruce Springsteen, the Who and Merle Haggard. As God is my witness, I'll stand by my vow not to tweet, email or post on FB any version of “Call Me Maybe.” You're welcome.

Today is World Population Day. Complicated issues, lots of controversy, to be sure, but the international community has come together on this: Kanye West and Kim Kardashian must be prevented, at all costs, from reproducing.

Judging from the disturbing recent uptick in gunplay in Lincoln, it appears the city's annexation of Omaha may have backfired.

Beer me. And while you're at it, go ahead and bacon me too.

Guys, no need to be ashamed of being curious; hell, we all are. But be aware there have been reports of men who furtively read "50 Shades of Grey" and then went to see "Magic Mike" who suddenly came to their senses in a strange store trying on completely unnecessary shoes.

Generally speaking, cautious optimism is the best approach to life, but today I believe I'm gonna go with reckless pessimism.

I accept that I can't take it with me. But I sure would like to hang on to more of it while I'm here.