Really? Already? Westboro Baptist has a new set of picket signs: "The God particle hates fag particles."

Mitt Romney now says the individual mandate is a dessert topping, contradicting an aide who called it a floor wax.

So, anyway, my wife came home from the store with turkey bacon. Of course I sent her back and she returned this time with low-sodium bacon. Can this marriage be saved?

Until recently, the Higgs Boson scientists hadn't been particularly successful.

Grilled steak, fresh garden produce and margaritas, followed by coffee with a splash of Bailey's and key lime pie; watching "Die Hard 2" on Netflix and listening to fireworks outside. Ya done good, Thomas Jefferson; ya done real good.

Wow, that didn't take long. The Higgs Boson particle just announced "The fact is, I'm gay."

That awkward moment when you sneak two of the red, white and blue strawberries your wife labored over for the holiday feast and then realize, crap, I'll bet she counted them.