If not for the courage of our Founding Fathers 236 years ago, we'd all be speaking English today. Like, totes.

I, for one, welcome our new God-particle overlord.

Pull up at stoplight, singing loudly to radio. Make eye contact with driver in the next lane just in time for us to simultaneously hit "Scaramouche! Scaramouche! Will you do the fandango?!" at the top of our lungs. We nod and smile a silent "well done, sir" to each other, light changes, off we go. Feel bad, though, that we're not stopped at same light a few minutes and blocks later when "Layla" comes on; I think we could have made beautiful music together on air guitar.

The good news: Scientists may have found the God particle. The bad news: They accidentally squashed all the poor Whos living on it – yes, even JoJo -- when they put it under the microscope.

I miss those days before the Fourth of July became so damn commercialized -- when families and neighbors would gather and simply set fire to piles of money.

So help me, the first time I hear that Lee Greenwood song this week, I'm moving to Canada, with a winter home in Costa Rica.

How is it Subway hasn't become a sponsor of "Criminal Minds," with a special tie-in sandwich served in a pita and called, of course, the Unsub?