The barista at the local coffee shop who's memorized your first name and your favorite beverage probably doesn't have enough information to steal your identity, but, to be on the safe side, the FBI advises you change your drink order every six months.

I have come upon what I believe is an important medical breakthrough – a strategy for preventing Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. It’s quite simple, really: Be thoroughly consumed and overwhelmed by Current Traumatic Stress Disorder. Watch for my groundbreaking article on CTSD in either the New England Journal of Medicine or Reader’s Digest’s Life in These United States, whichever accepts it first.

Senate hopeful Jon Bruning is accused of being a closet pinko over some heretical college-newspaper columns he wrote. I must say he seems sufficiently right-wing to me, but now I fear my own college-newspaper work coming to light -- not because of its controversy but its vapidity. As I recall, most were screeds on parking and the mystery meat served in the cafeteria. Also, I frequently abused apostrophes and commas.

Newt Gingrich is back in the game. He’s forming an exploratory committee for a 2012 presidential run. Next steps: Hire a campaign staff, find a different wife and, of course, get back in touch with his Romanian source for the 10 live human babies he must consume each day.

There are casual friends, best friends, work friends, friends with benefits. But everyone needs at least one friend they trust so completely they could call him or her at 2 in the morning for help disposing of a body, no questions asked. I'm not saying you'll ever need to do that, but if the situation arises, you damn sure better have someone on speed dial. Preferably someone with a sturdy shovel, and maybe a boat.

The U.N. Security Council took new action today in its efforts to rein in that out-of-control, megalomaniacal nut job. Frankly, I don't know what good a no-fly zone over Charlie Sheen is going to accomplish, but it probably can't hurt.

Who says the U.N. is toothless? The Security Council voted 15-0 early this morning to require Gadhafi to submit to sanctions from the "What Not to Wear" show. At this hour Stacy and Clinton are parachuting into Tripoli -- particularly vulnerable because, of course, they refused to don camos. If Gadhafi's makeover works, they'll next head to Pyongyang to take on Kim Jong-il. Godspeed, Stacy and Clinton.